Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

@Boomclaps because it's easy to sort out pre birth?

@RainingBatsAndFrogs that's not true. Mat leave already has a big impact on women's earning potential and therefore pension. By havings kids women end up taking the brunt of pick ups, sick days etc and it's been proven time and time again that we don't recover from that earnings wise compared to the fathers of our children.

@RickiTarr

I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc,

That’s more than a compromise. That’s him more or less getting his way. A name is essentially what you are “known as”. Yet he is not even happy with that. He is being beyond unreasonable.

You are correct that if you’re unmarried, the baby should “traditionally” have your name, but the compromise option is to double barrel and use both barrels (as it were ).

This.

Do not give baby his surname. There’s a 30-50% chance that you will split up and a 95% change that you will be the main carer. I know you don’t want to think about that but it’s the harsh reality for mums I’m afraid.

So It makes sense that baby has your name. And as you say, that’s the Tradition.

During your maternity leave you need to save from your joint income so that when you go back to work full time after a year you can pay back the pension contributions .

Make sure that your Dp does half the housework and the childcare drop off/ pick ups/ sick days as well as paying half the fees.

obviously Double Barreling is the fairest solution, even then you are saying that the child can drop your name at school though, why?

Because I don't mind him being known by his dad's name in everyday life, I just want to know that mine's on anything important too. I don't want to get stopped and questioned at the airport (this has happened to a few of my friends) or anywhere else.

We're married, but don't share a surname. Ds is myname-hisname, and as a teenager still likes that he has a db name and doesn't ever just use half.
Don't get pushed down the 'your name as a second middle name' route. No one will ever use or acknowledge it, and the no hyphen surname route is likely to also end with yours being dropped.

@yvanka

obviously Double Barreling is the fairest solution, even then you are saying that the child can drop your name at school though, why?

Because I don't mind him being known by his dad's name in everyday life, I just want to know that mine's on anything important too. I don't want to get stopped and questioned at the airport (this has happened to a few of my friends) or anywhere else.

That is exactly what we have done. Day to a it's baby hissurname but on passport and for official purspose me out kids are baby hissurname mysurname.

I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone...

Yet you are prepared to tie yourself to him for the next 18 years by having his child.

Because I don't mind him being known by his dad's name in everyday life, I just want to know that mine's on anything important too. I don't want to get stopped and questioned at the airport (this has happened to a few of my friends) or anywhere else.

So when you are teaching your toddler what their name is, what will you teach them?

@yvanka

obviously Double Barreling is the fairest solution, even then you are saying that the child can drop your name at school though, why?

Because I don't mind him being known by his dad's name in everyday life, I just want to know that mine's on anything important too. I don't want to get stopped and questioned at the airport (this has happened to a few of my friends) or anywhere else.

What things would you consider “anything important” OP?

If he’s known only by his father’s surname in everyday life, and therefore everyone who knows him calls him by that surname only, you can bet your name will gradually fade away into non-existence because of the problems it will cause him having effectively two different surnames.

@UserUser1234

Ignore pp telling you no marriage is leaving you vulnerable. It's the popular opinion on here, doesn't mean it's true.

If she ends up being the lower paid it IS true (why on earth are you paying to help him increase his equity - that makes no sense at all). However if her wealth (property, salary and pension) are all greater than his then it doesn't make sense for her to then have to split all those.

Sorry, assumed the baby was a boy because there are so many “he” and “his in your posts. I wonder why that is.

Double-barrelling is probably the best option or if not then your surname.

Personally I think having a child with someone is more of a commitment than marriage but people seem to forget that, you will have a connection with this person for 18 plus years, where a marriage can be disposed of if necessary.

Women that are unmarried are more likely to be “unable to afford to leave” as they don’t have the protections that marriage brings

Really? I have savings that I can access, parents who would gladly put me and DC up while I serve notice to the tenants on my house and then move in there. I could go literally whenever I want.

Much harder if you both own one house that you live in together, all your money goes into your joint account so have no escape fund and are about to spend thousands on a divorce.

As it happens, he's wrong.

Tradition is that the baby takes the mother's surname. If that's his line of reasoning he'll have to agree with you, right?

You're not married. That means he can't register the birth without a statutory declaration from you. Given he's so very loathe to compromise in any way, I think giving the baby a name other than yours would be a mistake. And the good news is, he has no legal power to stop you.

Being unmarried does have some benefits. This is one.

Give the baby your name and don't fall into the trap of giving up your financial independence. Keeping this is so much more important than marriage.

If you have no intention of marrying, or both taking a common name, then the child should really have your name. The child can always have your partner's name as their middle name as a compromise.

So when you are teaching your toddler what their name is, what will you teach them?

That Firstname Myname-Hisname is his "proper" name but at school he is Firstname Hisname because it's shorter.

Stop nagging poor OP to marry him. She doesn’t want to, and he is incapable of compromise anyway so bad husband material. She has her own property and pension. She is okay.

@ILoveShula

I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone...

Yet you are prepared to tie yourself to him for the next 18 years by having his child.

You missed “potentially”. Plenty of men have walked away without a backwards look. The only thing she is tying herself to is her child.

Definitely stick with just yours.It makes all the legal stuff a million times easier honestly and don’t underestimate the joy of being able yo travel together with a stupid letter of permission from your partner.

There is no reason to default to the father's surname. I'd go with your surname and use his surname as a middle name. Leave out the hyphen for simplicity.

If he’s known only by his father’s surname in everyday life, and therefore everyone who knows him calls him by that surname only, you can bet your name will gradually fade away into non-existence because of the problems it will cause him having effectively two different surnames

That's fine! I just want them to have my name on the birth certificate, passport and when registered at childminders/schools and other formal things like that so that no one questions whether I'm their mum.

Double barrelled is the only solution. He needs to compromise.

@yvanka

So when you are teaching your toddler what their name is, what will you teach them?

That Firstname Myname-Hisname is his "proper" name but at school he is Firstname Hisname because it's shorter.

Then you are 100% giving in to your boyfriend. Your child will have his surname in practice and in reality.

It's sad and wrong.

My kids have managed v well with a hyphenated name, used all the time, day to day. It’s their name.

One has now, at Uni, compressed their signature to FirstName-Initial of first surname- second surname

why on earth are you paying to help him increase his equity

We are both accruing equity. My house pays for itself so I am not out of pocket contributing to the house that I'm actually living in.

@yvanka

That's fine! I just want them to have my name on the birth certificate, passport and when registered at childminders/schools and other formal things like that so that no one questions whether I'm their mum.

That's not how it works. Not at all.