Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

Your DP cannot register the baby if you are unmarried, so the decision is 100% up to you. I would give the baby your name. So many women end up bringing up children single handedly that don't have the same name as them.

It is quite likely that you and dp will not stay stay together long term, whatever your feelings for each other are now.

A friend in this situation portmanteaud and they both changed.

Eg example would be Parker and Holden - both becoming Parden or Holker.

Give the baby your name or double-barrel. I was unmarried with my first baby. We double-barrelled. Then got married and changed the surname to our (was his!) surname because you have to re-register the birth after marriage anyway. I’m the spouse in the stronger financial position but I am not really any more exposed or at risk or whatever by being married to him compared to living with him and having a child with him!

Coming at this from a completely different angle, my DSS once told me he is glad he has his dad's surname, as otherwise "he wouldn't match any of his family".
On that basis, I'd give him both surnames (but not double barrelled à la Spain, so he has the choice of whether to use one or the other or both

[quote yvanka]@Twizbe the rental income is mine but just covers the mortgage with a bit left over which I put towards any future work on it. I then pay rent to DP from my salary, so it works very well as I am still accruing equity separately without having any financial interest in his house.[/quote]
That's good, what is the plan for maternity leave / your reduced income in that time?

What about childcare costs? That needs to be a 50/50 split from your individual finances.

Do make sure you're 100% clear about what happens when you die and guardianship. Relationships always end, hopefully you'll be together forever and death is a long way off, but best to be prepared

It is quite likely that you and dp will not stay stay together long term, whatever your feelings for each other are now.

Lovely, thank you for that

I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone, it would make me feel trapped and anxious.

As opposed to having a child with someone, which not only ties you with 1 but 2 people with almost no routes out.

Double barrelled is the only way to go I think.

Well, I told DH that if we were not married any children we had would most definitely have my surname. We did get married, but I would certainly have stuck to that. My sister is not married but in a long term relationship, and her kids have her name. My other sister is married and the kids are double barrelled but no hyphen, I think.
I know so many families where the parents have split and the mum either has to keep her married name or have a different surname to the kids. I wouldn’t want either.

Absolutely put your foot down. Double barrel. He has no choice in the matter anyway, you can register the baby without him, he can't. It's not just about symbolism but it'll be an absolute pain in the arse to have a completely different name to your child.

On not getting married, I absolutely get it. I've been married and it meant the break up dragged on for a year, had to involve solicitors for certain things even though we agreed on everything. Neither of us could move on with our lives properly as the divorce took 9 months to come! I'm never doing it again. The feeling of being tied down was suffocating. I'm in a very strong financial position and I'm not worried about it at all.

I think there are some things that you can do to protect yourself financially as you’re not getting married. Such as getting any child benefits and such paid to you, not dad.
Also, do you have a private pension ? If you do and you’re taking some time off work, think about how dad will be paying into his pension but you won’t be.
Just look after yourself financially.

Did you know that if baby has a passport and partner’s surname (different to yours) you have to have written permission from partner to take baby out if the country. I’d fight for double barrelled if neither person is interested in changing surname

Unfortunately if you want DP to be genuinely happy then you'll have to give the baby his surname, since he won't offer a compromise. I would decide what my priority was - him being happy with the decision or using my own name.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I wish I could have done that (our surnames are not suited for). I know a Mr Van and Ms Carlen who got married and became the Van Carlens which I thought was cool!

@yvanka OP he's not compromising and has quite frankly no leg to stand on. Double barrell if you wish OR keep your name - there is zero reason why the baby should have his name only.

I agree that legally you are best off getting married. Your pension, income etc will take a permanent hit from childbearing and it's not right for him to be off the hook for it.

Hit post too soon, meant to say he’s being very unwilling to understand that you both want exactly the same thing, the baby to have your surname. But not sure how you both ‘win’ this one. Can you blend your surnames and all take the new one?

I do occasionally get called Mrs His-surname which does annoy me, I’m Ms My-surname, thank you. but it doesn’t bother me that I don’t have the same surname as the DS’s.

My SiL changed her name by deed poll to her partner’s so they both had the same surname as their daughter. & they did get married some years down the line. But I can see you don’t want to do that, I wouldn’t.

Babies are registered on the NHS system by the midwife first with mum's name.

You won't regret keeping your name for the baby but lots of single mums regret changing the name.

It's on him to compromise, you already are by offering both.

what is the plan for maternity leave / your reduced income in that time?

We usually pay the same amount into the joint account each month for bills, food etc as we earn the same, but DP will be putting all of it in and I also won't be paying rent anymore. Mat pay will be mine.

What about childcare costs? That needs to be a 50/50 split from your individual finances.

I plan on taking full maternity leave and then yes we will both put more in the joint account to cover childcare.

Why do you have such a negative view on marriage? Just curious.

I'm thinking if you can't agree on something like this, add in your negative view on marriage/men - you two don't stand a change. I can predict you both ending up in court in the future. I've seen it before now.

@IEat

Did you know that if baby has a passport and partner’s surname (different to yours) you have to have written permission from partner to take baby out if the country. I’d fight for double barrelled if neither person is interested in changing surname

Legally you need permission anyway, irrespective of surname.

@Same4Walls

I can see both sides as you obviously both, like your surnames and want to pass them on to the baby so why not use one as middle name?

I will add though that not being married is most likely a disaster waiting to happen. You should protect yourself and your child and get married asap. You're leaving yourselves very vulnerable.

That is not true. It depends on your circumstances. I am in the same position. My partner and I have decided we don't want to be married. This choice actually makes me more secure. I have a great income, an amazing pension,savings and my own property.

To answer your question OP, we opted for both surnames. We didn't double barrel. Just left the two surnames. Has worked very well so far.

You both don't want to get married and both want the baby to have your surname. There really isn't a compromise.

Toss a coin
Pull names out of a hat
Do you know the sex? If not then agree your name if its a boy, his if its a girl?

As you are not married you have control as only you can register the birth, but you would need to consider the impact on your relationship if you did.

Give baby your name or get married then all take his name.

Why do you have such a negative view on marriage? Just curious.

Take a look at my second post, I explained this

You can be married, in a civil partnership and still retain separate assets and accounts. You can get a prenup to protect, courts are now taking them into account more

If you are not going to get married then at least sort a will out

As regards surname the compromise is double barrel. If he won’t compromise then that says a lot I think, and I would be weighing up my options vi couldn’t be with someone who is not prepared to compromise on important matters and insists it’s his way. I would be registering the child with my surname

You won't marry him because you don't trust him but you're having a kid with him? I find that strange. Anyway, you will have to double barrel as a compromise. I wish I had with my son as he has my ex's surname as I thought we would get married eventually but we didn't.

In answer to your question, the reasonable answer is to double barrell.

I'm a bit disturbed by how much marriage id being pushed onto you - with the main reason being financial!!

Having been though a divorce - my advice would be to only get married if you are 100% into it.