Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

It’s tradition for married couples to give their baby the dad’s name. It is tradition for unmarried mothers to give their baby their own surname.

He is completely wrong here. He can’t register the child as you’re unmarried, so it’s entirely your choice.

You have offered a compromise, if he doesn’t like it, that’s tough.

If he persuades you to change your mind by being stroppy/arsy about it and go for it because you want an easy life or to make him happy, then I think that would make him a real shit. I think you would regret it as well.

Tell him bollocks. Fact is if things go south the child will live with you and he may decide to walk away totally. You never know what could happen. If down the line you decide to marry you can change the name. I doubled my youngest name as his dad kicked off about it. My eldest from previous relationship has mine. If I had anymore they would have mine. Still with my youngest dad and even now he sometimes moans our son should have his. I argue he should have mine because of his sibling. If your partner doesn'tike it tough.whats he going to do spit his dummy out and threaten to leave? That would prove you should absolutely put baby in yours. Your carrying the child and legally its your decision. Your word goes on this.

You openly say you want him to be happy with what you both decide. The fact is his not going to be happy unless he gets his own way. We doubled our son and dp still moans 11 years on. My answer is tough. If we get married we change it but he doesn't want to so that's something he has to live with. Tell him it's simple either you both compromise on doubling it now or your using yours. Your happy to compromise but if he can't agree to that why should you let him have his way when that's not fair to your wishes. He should want you to be happy with the decision as you are carrying the child.

@yvanka too soon really. DC is just 16 months old and not really been in situations where it possibly would be an issue. Saying that, I think it must be common enough for the mother not to have the same surname. I’ve not experienced any questions when booking nursery spots or asking for medical records etc. It is just assumed I am his mother.

Gawd don't admit to be unmarried on here, you'll get the have you got a will, life insurance lecture. Whispers I am unmarried and my Dc have DH's surname and it grates. I really did want to get married and DP didn't and I suppose after years of resenting that rejection I hate the thought of being owned or being a Mrs. I'm just bitter and fickle, as DP now wants to get married. If you aren't a jaded old witch like me I would get married for the for the same surname situation and as MN will tell you the protection of you spilt children will test your soul and your relationship and some DPs can get jealously issues . --

What ever you do at school he or you will be called the MR / MRS DC's surname. I also receive cards for DC with my surname ( from people who don't know they have a different surname) and things like that which confuses they DC. My family even send me cards with DH's surname, I'm not sure if they think we got married and just didn't invite them.

@KatharinaRosalie I'm really glad to hear that. I think Spanish society is becoming much more progressive than the UK anyway. Lots more female representation in government etc.

Your name for ease of travel when going abroad etc, plus it’s traditional. If you aren’t married, he could kick you out of his house, he has no legal obligation to house you (just the dc).

@SomersetHamlyn Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say the first part, that is - not so much the scathing analysis of DP he probably does sound awful from what I’ve put on here, but I omitted his many wonderful qualities as they aren’t really relevant to the issue at hand.

I’ll give you thick-headed, but he’s far from misogynistic. I don’t know many men who would willingly take their partner’s last name. It is stupid, but I am not qualified to deconstruct a lifetime of gender conditioning so can’t be bothered going full feminist on him. Sorry if you consider that rolling over, I’d prefer to call it picking my battles.

I think DP assumed that the baby would have his last name as that’s what his parents did with him. When I suggested double barrelling, he was caught off guard so automatically said no. His mouth works faster than his brain sometimes, possibly related to his ADHD, and the “common” excuse will have just been the first thing that popped into his head.

Anyway, I promise that I thoroughly scrutinised this man before letting his sperm anywhere near my egg and concluded that he is wonderful. You will have to either pop round and interrogate him or take my word for it

I can understand his point of view if you are refusing to marry him and he wants to get married, so is looking for a more trad set up.

However, looking at your motivations since you, not he, are asking for advice; you don't want to get married in case the relationship fails. In that case, it only makes sense for the baby to have your name. ( would be interested to see if this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, since you are now at loggerheads)

It is a little unfair on him, but he got you pregnant knowing you well.

I think this is quite a rare situation of the woman holding the cards and being financially fully independent.

FTR, my ex wanted to get married as he knew if i was unmarried I would have given the children my name, no ifs no buts.

@sofato5miles DP doesn't want to get married either. I was clear from early on about my feelings and we have often chatted about it casually as we have become more serious. His stance is that he would be willing if it was important to me, but really he's prefer not to. Everyone's happy with the situation.

We aren't at loggerheads and neither of us consider it a relationship-ending battle, it's just difficult trying to understand the perspective of someone whose life you haven't lived (completely opposite family setups growing up, DP is also 8 years older than me), so some of his opinions and ideas just sound ridiculous to me and vice versa. We love each other though and these things will get ironed out as long as we continue to talk, listen and learn. So yeah, no loggerheads and no impending breakup.

@PotteringAlong

No LTB from me but I would think very carefully about having children without being married.

Which decade do you think we are in? Plenty of unmarried people have children and shock horror they survive!

@Vixyboo oh no, where was @PotteringAlong and her infinite wisdom five months ago?

[quote yvanka]**@Vixyboo* oh no, where was @PotteringAlong* and her infinite wisdom five months ago? [/quote]
Hahahaha fab

I have to say I really regret not double-barrelling my children’s surnames when their births were registered, I wasn’t married to their dad who is abusive, so much so we ended up in a refuge and going against what many on here have said about marriage it was easier to leave the bastard because of that. But I do regret the surname thing although there’s no way he would have agreed to that.

I would be telling your partner that you either double-barrel the child’s name or they have your surname and not his at all. You’re compromising and I’d actually be really pissed off with him at he completely refuses to and that his excuse is “tradition”. I totally believe you that he’s very nice in other ways (you know him, I don’t) but he’s being a bellend about this.

OP i wasn't saying your break up was imminent at all. Just someone clearly older than you who has seen major issues stem from early resentments. Men and passing their name on is quite a major thing, for right or wrong. (Irritates me)

And you yourself said that your decision making re structuring your relationship is around mitigating future break up issues 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hope you talk it out and he agrees with you.

You are the one giving birth to this baby, you decide the baby's surname.

Yes, I think I will collect some sources so he can't dispute that the default is mum's name, then say that I am open to hearing his suggestions if he's not happy with the TRADITIONAL option. I'm always the one trying to find solutions, can't help myself, but this time I'll force myself to stay quiet and let him put his lonely braincell to work

I would love to show him this thread as evidence, but think he would be upset at some of the outrageous character assassinations he has received so best not ey

Don't do anything you don't want to do for reasons of tradition OP

Remember: tradition is just peer pressure from dead people 😂

@ElliePhillips haha I agree, it's just that his main point was that "traditionally kids have their dad's last name" so I want to show him that isn't true. I do believe he's just not too familiar with any of this stuff so just looked to his parents.

I do acknowledge the hypocrisy of two people living in sin and having a baby using tradition as an argument!

Wouldn't bother. If it isnt the traditional excuse, there will be another following behind.

Sometimes you just need to be the most awkward bugger in the room. "I love you but no" is a complete argument. He needs you to be a pushover. He cant actually get his way without your cooperation.

@Hazelnutlatteplease that's a good point actually. He actually has no power in this, he needs my consent whereas I don't need his.

I am now officially not offering any solutions! And new plan is just mylastname, perhaps he can haggle me up to double barrelling.

OP I'll echo you sound like you have your head screwed on, and whilst I had my own reasons to get married, I respect your wish not to.

If it helps I can tell you about our family names. I got married to my first husband and wasn't keen on his name. When I got pregnant I confessed I couldn't face giving it to our child, they'd get bullied for it, just as ExH did. Fortunately ExH understood. He wasn't keen to take my last name (he hated my Dad ), so we created an entirely new last name, and both changed our names to it. DC, ExH and I still all have this name.

Then I met my current DH, and knew from the start I wouldn't change my name again. Too much of a pain in the ass and I didn't like the thought of not having the same last name as my older DC.

When current DH and I had a baby, I made it clear from the start the baby would have both our names. DH was a little taken aback but never once said no.

The only thing DH insisted on was that his name went first. He thinks I kindly agreed to this, the actual truth is my last name is a very common male first name, and I didn't want people thinking it was his middle name. So for example (not actual names), it is Richard Walker-Thomas, not Richard Thomas-Walker.

This suits me fine because all of my children have my last name (Thomas) so they're linked not only to me, but to each other too.

Although apparently I'm common now my poor child is double barreled

OP I think you are misunderstanding the ‘character assassinations’ are voices of experience.

We’ll all be here for you in a few months time when his ideas on tradition or lack of executive function mean that he is refusing to get up in the night with the baby/change or bath them or keep up with the housework when you are recovering from birth or attending to the baby. A lot of us have been through it ourselves.

I am now officially not offering any solutions! And new plan is just mylastname, perhaps he can haggle me up to double barrelling.
I'm so pleased to read this! It was upsetting to read about your attempts to compromise and his attempts to steamroller you with hypocritical arguments about tradition and being common.

@Originalusername2021 I do appreciate that can happen, but you all have very little knowledge of this man. I shouldn't have included the things he said, I wrote the posts with context in mind that you all don't have and now of course I understand it made him sound quite bad. I was more focussed on presenting the last name issue properly though, I never thought we'd end up debating the importance of marriage or whether my boyfriend is useless!

He really has always been very caring and even more so during my pregnancy, I doubt he will start barking orders at me as soon as they wheel me out of hospital! Even if he did, he'd swiftly be told where to go.

He does most of the housework and cooking now so I don't see that suddenly stopping, he has remarked before that caring for a baby is a full-time job, so I doubt he'll be leaving me lists of chores to do as well.

You're right about getting up with the baby though, that will be my job while I'm off work. Happy to do it as I can sleep when baby sleeps in the day whereas he can't, and then he can do a night on the weekend or something.