Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

Traditional is definitely children take their mums name. Shock horror the children of the unmarried mothers in my family are in their 70s and 80s. Both have their mothers name.
It was the clue that made me question things when I was a small child, why did mums sister have a different name.
I definitely think it would have been weirder for her to have a random name that wasn't linked to the family.

However one difference would be back in the day single mums were completely that. Single, no shared parenting, no maintenance money, stayed in the family home until they met someone else an married.
If Dad wanted involved he needed to take the mums hand in marriage or be completely out of the equation.

The thing is, if you were to split up with him and have a child with someone else, I assume you would want you and your children to all have the same surname ?
As you don’t want to tie yourself to anyone I’d definitely give the baby your surname.
I’m really loving your sense of independence.

@yvanka

I totally understand the comments about marriage and it's honestly something that I've considered at length. I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone, it would make me feel trapped and anxious.

People change and I want to choose to be with him every day rather than feel that I have to because I couldn't afford to leave.

We own separate houses (renting mine out currently) and have separate finances and I am very happy with the situation. Although I trust him as much I could ever trust any man, people surprise you.

It's up to you but I find it quite odd to be happy to legally tie yourself to someone through a shared child but not through marriage - and I really hope that you've thought through how your totally separate finances will work post-baby, with full compensation for either of you who takes a greater financial hit (e.g. taking more parental leave, reducing hours at work).

I know you say he's lovely but not compromising and calling things he doesn't like 'common' doesn't sound all that lovely...

Anyway, there isn't some secret option you haven't thought of - either you genuinely compromise on the double-barrelled name or one of you gets your way. My vote would be for you.

@yvanka it's good you e kept your own property, is the rental income just yours as well?

For you, the important thing to be clear on is what happens when you die (as we all do) not being married can have implications for guardianship. There are cases of grandparents going for custody over the child's father if the mother dies.

This is why I changed my surname when I got married, I'd have liked to have kept my last name but I knew the dilemma we would have when we had a baby and I don't really like double barrelling either. DH is an only child so really wanted our child to have his surname so I went with it.

But in this instance, he needs to compromise and double barrell. Personally if I were you it would be double barrell, or baby has your name. Those are his choices.

@yvanka

Hi *@Same4Walls could you please explain this? I will add though that not being married is most likely a disaster waiting to happen. You should protect yourself and your child and get married asap. You're leaving yourselves very vulnerable.*

Honestly you only have to look at the relationship board to see why. So many women think they have dotted every 'i' and croased every 't' so they dont need to get married only to watch it all unravel when they split up. Getting married is the easiest way to give yourself a whole raft of protection. You're about to be tied together for lwver because you have a child being married cannot possibly be more of tie than that?

Since you’re not married, he can’t register the baby and you are the one in charge there so it really does sit with you to ultimately decide.

No way would I have accepted being forced into having a different surname as my child so the only fair compromise is to double barrel.

If he won’t compromise, retain the independence you’re so clearly attached to, and do as you wish. You can’t declare your independence and then hypocritically give up your own wishes so easily. His lack of compromise will be what forces that.

@yvanka

I totally understand the comments about marriage and it's honestly something that I've considered at length. I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone, it would make me feel trapped and anxious.

People change and I want to choose to be with him every day rather than feel that I have to because I couldn't afford to leave.

We own separate houses (renting mine out currently) and have separate finances and I am very happy with the situation. Although I trust him as much I could ever trust any man, people surprise you.

Why should your DP trust you not to do a bunk with his kid?

I think you need to sit and think the situation through from all 3 POV, yours, DP and child.
But if you want other kids with someone else definitely give the kid your own name.

Remember only you can register the child. So it doesn't actually matter what DP thinks or wants.

Marriage protects the spouse in the weaker financial position (fewer assets, lower salary, smaller pension) and everyone is assuming that would be the OP. Of course it is more commonly the woman than the man, but not always.

@Twizbe the rental income is mine but just covers the mortgage with a bit left over which I put towards any future work on it. I then pay rent to DP from my salary, so it works very well as I am still accruing equity separately without having any financial interest in his house.

In Scotland it's traditional for babies to have their mothers name as a middle name- could that be a compromise?

@grafittiartist

In Scotland it's traditional for babies to have their mothers name as a middle name- could that be a compromise?

No that's not a compromise, it's giving him what he wants.

You are happy to comprise and he isn't. I find that a bit worrying. Is he thinking of what's best for the baby and your family or his ego?

Go with your name, you are giving birth. Have his as a middle name.

You're not being unreasonable, but you obviously need to come to some agreement.

My DP also didn't want to double barrel (and nor did I really) so we used his name as an extra middle name. Lots of family still assume it's a double barrel surname but I don't really mind.

We’re not married, teens now 16 & 18. We’ve had our ups and downs but got through them. Might get married in a few years for pension purposes only.

Decided not to double barrel the kids as each surname has six syllables and it would have been a huge name to wield. I suggested we give them my surname as a middle name, his as their surname. I’m certain he would have agreed to it being the other way around too.

But when not married, the mother registers the birth, we could only add DP as the father if he came along so that’s what he did. Has parental responsibility for one not the other as the law changed.

(I would really caution against bringing finances in to the argument.. that's not what it should be about)

if you were to split up with him and have a child with someone else, I assume you would want you and your children to all have the same surname

I definitely only want one child so this won't be an issue. I also genuinely don't see us splitting up. I am just realistic about the fact that you can never really know someone, as we see so often on MN with husbands cheating and their wives having no idea, so I am not willing to say "no matter how much of an arsehole you become in the next 50 years I will still stick with you, and if not you can have half my stuff"

In your position I think I’d be inclined to put my foot down and insist the baby had my name.

I appreciate that’s not a compromise but I don’t think you should compromise here. He is talking rubbish about tradition. If at a later date you do ever decide to marry, you can address the names again. If you were to split, chances are the DC will stay with you.

Double-barrelling would be my second option but I think he is being unreasonable all round about it.

Have you had a really honest chat with him about why he feels so strongly the baby should have his name?

Someone may correct me on this as I'm not 100% but I think legally the choice is yours as the mother.

If you'll never get married then baby should have surname of which of you will do all the day to day stuff like medical appointments, school, clubs etc. For ease. Use other surname as middle name.

Ignore pp telling you no marriage is leaving you vulnerable. It's the popular opinion on here, doesn't mean it's true.

@rc22 yes I can register the birth on my own and he can't, but I wouldn't just go ahead with something he hasn't agreed to. It's as much his child as mine and I want him to be happy with what we decide.

As others have pointed out, he is being the most inflexible. You are offering two options, he only has one, his way or no way at all. I would tell him that unless he is willing to compromise the baby will have your name.

You've compromised by suggesting double barrelling, if your partner doesn't like it I would just name the baby with your surname.

If I wasnt married then I'd give them my surname. Because if he left me, I want us to have the same name and not be questioned about why they have different surnames.