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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to work with him after this

257 replies

CurlyReds · 15/02/2021 09:53

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/02/2021 09:54

Divorce for that alone sounds as though there is far more to this!

Are you OK?

7yo7yo · 15/02/2021 09:56

Erm all a bit extreme.
Why don’t you talk about it first?
Specifically about what happened yesterday.
And if you are actually cut out to work together.
I worked full time and occasionally helped out my DH in his businesses, but that was based on mutual respect and understanding and communication.

OhamIreally · 15/02/2021 09:59

His horrible behaviour aside I would think it's probably more sensible to have one partner employed formally rather than have all your eggs in one basket. Does the new business generate enough to employ an assistant?
Doesn't sound like he's taking it seriously anyway.

freeingNora · 15/02/2021 09:59

Go back to work preserve your financial independence for yours and your daughters sake.

Let him set up his business on his own and see how serious he is a division of church and state is what's needed here. Reality check of self employment it's takes 2-3 years to establish a viable business self employed and with that there's always feast and famine endless hours 7day weeks and what if it's a lean period. You need position yourselves for a regular contingency income while all this is going on.

Hold onto your financial independence

gamerchick · 15/02/2021 10:00

If he can't be professional then no it's not going to work. He can't seperate work from home, it's pretty obvious.

I never got having husband as a boss, who would you moan about your boss to in that case?

Whether you stay cross enough to divorce is up to you, but I'd start job hunting now in any event.

idontlikealdi · 15/02/2021 10:02

Urgh. It won't work.

Have you discussed financials - will he pay you a salary?

ginnybag · 15/02/2021 10:05

Definitely not.

It doesn't make sense for both of you to be counting on his business, and his attitude would put me off straight away.

As you've seen, there's no divide between 'work' and 'home' - and that means all your issues and arguments will spill over from one to the other and back again.

Original poster
CurlyReds · 15/02/2021 10:06

I’m just fed up. DH has not done his fair share with DC. He’s worked ridiculous hours sometimes 6-7 days a week, sometimes overnight trips, and I had a nervous breakdown due to lack of sleep and support. I’ve had no income since DC was born and no independence. Now DC is going to nursery in September and I can finally do something constructive that progresses my career. Our only time to work on this is 4hrs on a Sunday while my mum babysits. I’ve spent all week tending to the needs of a child and being bored sick, I only have a limited 4hr window to work on something for my future that engages my brain, but DH thinks I should use that time to satisfy his needs. When do MY needs get satisfied? And DH has basically shown that if he doesn’t get his own way then he’ll remove this work opportunity from me.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 15/02/2021 10:08

Have your own job, your own money, and keep your work separate from him. He's playing power games already. Silly arse.

Thehop · 15/02/2021 10:09

You need to look for a job outside the home.

Is this a one off or is your his and usually a selfish controlling husband?

Sn0tnose · 15/02/2021 10:09

My immediate concern would be him throwing a temper tantrum at you telling him ‘no’ to being intimate. How did he make the leap from you saying that, to you not wanting to have a relationship with him? Is something else going on?

I think that if there are issues in your marriage, and he isn’t capable of separating work and home, then it would be madness for you to work for him.

brownet · 15/02/2021 10:10

The first thing you should do is get a job outside of the home.

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/02/2021 10:10

And tell him you're done with doing 100% of the child-rearing. He can step up and do his share from now on. Just like he will have to do if you divorce him and he gets the kids 50% of the time.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2021 10:10

Why don’t you just get a job? You’re both behaving in a very extreme way. So it’s unlikely it can work you working together. I think you need to accept that and simply find external employment.

judgingcat · 15/02/2021 10:10

Go get a job. It's controlling in a way what he's doing.

Greenevalley · 15/02/2021 10:11

I would never work for or with my dh and he would say the same.
Some couples can work together, most cannot imo.

If your dh idea of a professional meeting, even with his wife, is feeling you up whilst dm is downstairs then it’s never going to work as a business relationship.

You need to talk and your dh needs to grow up.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/02/2021 10:14

Yeah that’s really gross and disrespectful. Get your own job and your own money.

Ileflottante · 15/02/2021 10:15

I could only have gone into business with my husband on an even keel, not in an assistant role for him to sporadically fulfil some sort of sexual fantasy and for him to exploit as a way of controlling me and getting a power trip.

If he values you at all in a place of work, he would want you to be an equal surely? And would work to get you up to speed on the business? If he doesn’t, and sees you as lesser, then I’d suggest returning to work on your own merit and forging your own path.

Original poster
CurlyReds · 15/02/2021 10:15

Does the new business generate enough to employ an assistant?
He can’t afford an assistant. That’s why he asked me. I currently earn nothing so we’re no worse off. For tax reasons I don’t want to be paid a salary, I’ll take a dividend when the business makes a profit.

Hold onto your financial independence
I don’t have any. If I get a job I’ll likely be returning to a min wage supermarket position. This is an opportunity for me to move into an office job that I wouldn’t otherwise have.

It doesn't make sense for both of you to be counting on his business
Currently we both count on his job, so it’s no different.

OP posts:
Original poster
CurlyReds · 15/02/2021 10:18

My immediate concern would be him throwing a temper tantrum at you telling him ‘no’ to being intimate. How did he make the leap from you saying that, to you not wanting to have a relationship with him?
We haven’t had time alone for the past year because of Covid, lockdown, clingy DC and no babysitters. But my mum has put herself out to help on a Sunday afternoon - to help ME get into an office job with flexible hours so I have a professional future ahead of me, not to help him get his end away.

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Regularsizedrudy · 15/02/2021 10:21

I’d take a min wage supermarket job over being financially dependent on a bloke any day of the week. Especially one I was considering divorcing!

Oldraver · 15/02/2021 10:22

So you basically have to put out to the boss or you will loose your job ?

I think you need a serious talk here, does he realise how he came across ?

Get your own job and income independant of him. It doesn't bode well that the first opportunity he had, he tried to pressurize you then threaten to 'sack' you

MsMarch · 15/02/2021 10:23

Well, for a start, of course you should take a salary. The single biggest financial benefit of working in a company with your partner is the ability to both get the tax free allowance. So even if you only take a salary equivalent to that allowance, you should. And, if the business can't afford that, his salary should be reduced accordingly.

I'm not convinced however that the two of you are cut to to work together. Not least because he clearly sees you as very junior AND that your presence brings additional "perks" for him. That you're not feeling the same about. So I question whether this is doable.

Original poster
CurlyReds · 15/02/2021 10:23

Why don’t you just get a job?
I don’t want another shitty supermarket job. This is my chance to get an office job and have a husband who’s a business owner.

If he values you at all in a place of work, he would want you to be an equal surely?
Technically I’d be a company director. He’d do the client work and I’d be in charge of operations and admin. It’s a better opportunity than the supermarket job I’ll end up in otherwise. But not if he’s going to be unprofessional and nasty.

OP posts:
bloodyhairy · 15/02/2021 10:24

Divorce?! There has to be more to this, surely.