To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

Do you know, op, reading your responses, I’m really warming to you as a person. You come across in writing as warm, funny, intelligent and self aware.

I agree with watermelon I really don’t think PA or admin stuff will suit you. That’s all about personality, and how you come across and much less about actual technical skills. I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

You DO sound like you have a great skill set, and are a quick leaner. I’d throw your energy into working out what WOULD suit you. I work in a very technical field, and it attracts 2 distinct personalities, communicators, and back office types. You sound to me like so many of the bright, slightly odd back office whizzes i work with.

We have at least 2 that don’t do spoken communication, just emails. One is a spreadsheet genius, the other a demon proofreader. I suspect one or both are not neurotypical, but that’s bye the bye. They fit nicely, if quirkily in with the team, and enjoy their work. We benefit hugely from their presence, and we are all fiercely protective of our eccentric colleagues if anyone from the outside world is in any way dismissive of them.

Hi OP,
There are several variations of autism, so you need to consider what are your actual strengths. You said coding isn't a strength? What in particular made it hard for you? Can you analyse things, see details, and/or see the 'overall picture' of complex information? Can you look at a computer screen and concentrate for hours on some data or some project you are working on, without feeling any need to chat to colleagues? If so - that is a very valuable skill.
Here's my advice, for what it is worth:

1. forget thinking that working for your husband will be your key to salvation - it will be a dead-end career-wise and may damage your marriage. Tell him this - tell him to go self-employed, but get himself a book-keeper if he needs it.
2. spend the four hours you have each week between now and September doing lots of research - ideally you could come up with a ten-year career plan. Find somewhere quiet away from child and husband with a good internet connection (I would suggest a cafe except for Covid). Tell husband you WILL be taking this time for yourself.
3. if you have a formal diagnosis, look into disability organisations that may offer you advice or possibly some practical help.
4. forget becoming a PA or office manager - those jobs involve lots of eye-contact, smiling, talking, etc.
5. your best bet is to aim for either the accounts department or the IT department in a large organisation. Do your research - what are the professional bodies? What are the professional qualifications for membership of those bodies? What are the sub-professional or stepping-stone qualifications? Which (IT or Accounts) sounds like it appeals? - research, don't guess. You won't be doing any of these qualifications for a good few years - too expensive so you will need an employer to sponsor you. That is for the future. Accounts as a career is very well established and doesn't change much, but at the highest levels does need more people-skills. IT is far more dynamic, so get up to date - what are the emerging roles? Data analysis? Systems analysis? Lots and lots of research needed.

6.You will need to start at the very, very bottom - probably very dull data entry or similar. First thing - get a foot in the door. Don't aim for a higher level job yet. What are the employment agencies in your area that specialise in office work? What types of jobs are they advertising? Would any type of certificate-level qualification help you get in the door? You need to get an interview there to get 'on their books' for any temp work - not necessarily for a particular job being advertised. Tell them about your disability - maybe use the word 'Asperger's' even if that is not your particular diagnosis, because they will think you are very intelligent but just lacking social skills. Tell them you will do ANY job (except reception - too much talking and eye-contact), and mean it - you have to prove to the agency you are reliable and useful to them (they will be earning commission for any job you do for them, so be very willing and take anything).

1. For point 6. you need to get childcare and transport sorted, including breakfast and afterschool care so that you can do full days plus a commute - you need to be in a position to take ANY office job that an agency is prepared to give you. It may be five days a week long days. Husband gets no say in this - you are fighting for your future here. Maybe even fighting for your sanity.
2. once you get your first temp job and satisfy your agency, you are on your way. I would suggest a series of temp jobs because this is absolutely invaluable as informal training and experience-gathering, seeing how different companies do things differently or do things the same. Maternity cover jobs are great - long enough to really learn, and sometimes not very popular with other job-seekers.
3. Eventually you will get a low-level permanent role. It will be your agency that gets it for you - they will 'sell' you to the employer once they see your worth. You may find that a maternity cover turns into a permanent role. Expect to be doing it for about 4 or 5 years before any kind of promotion or step-up, and maybe a few more years after that before you can aim for starting a professional qualification. Be prepared to study in your own time as well as work full time, and maybe pay your own 'stepping-stone' course fees.

10. If you don't have the inclination to study in the evenings after work (which is absolutely fine - not many people can manage it), then you will need to rely on 'working your way up' within a company. This is not a problem, but it will take more years to get out of the boring roles and into the more interesting work.

I hope some of this helps you. I wish you luck.

Sounds like a bad idea already if you're fired & feeling harassed by him. Get a different job, have your own income independent from him & his business. If you can't get an office job otherwise then re-train or upskill or whatever you need to do to get you on the ladder...

There's some seriously nasty shit on this thread. In particular from brown and Steve. Mumsnet has really gone to the dogs.

@SteveBrexit

He was choosing to work longer hours than he was contracted for, prioritising his promotion above my need for support.

I hate when people - especially the ones who don't even work - come up with that.

If only it was that easy... most of the time it's more about KEEPING YOUR JOB than going for that promotion! You can't just say "stop" and reduce your working hours saying you are happy in your role. It does not work like that in the real world.

This guy is really patronising and being condescending to the op

if it were me, i'd be keeping the supermarket job as a fall back, while i did the admin stuff for dh part time (maybe 2 or 3 days a week to fit in with supermarket shifts) That way you're guaranteed money coming in and some financial independence.

if his business is a new start up will he be able to get clients in straight away, you might find you're not at all busy initially so can always drop shifts with supermarket when things pick up.

you've said you have an accountant, so Images assuming that the bookkeeping will be done by you, with the accountant preparing the financials and tax filings. you will do the company secretary role i assume - the client admin, the statutory filings, invoicing Hr, payroll etc

i would agree with others though that him working for himself might lead to longer hours because it'll only be him working with the clients - if you're doing the background admin, whereas currently he's working for someone else so whilst he has responsibility of dealing with his clients, ultimately he doesn't have the responsibility of the business too. if that makes sense.

good luck

OP I can see what employers are saying about first impressions. To begin with you seem defensive and awkward, but the more I read your posts, the better you’re explaining yourself. Now I know you’re autistic I’d say it’s even easier to understand.

Do you disclose on your application that you have autism or a hidden disability? I’m concerned that what you’re describing in feedback is actually a little bit discriminatory and those companies should be more careful.

Don’t rule out work outside of the home. If you feel you can, disclose your disability, see if you can find a disability employment scheme who can help you pinpoint your skills and really big them up so that the social side of things doesn’t matter so much.

As an aside, I know how you feel with the constant rejections. I have post grad degree and a ton of voluntary experience and got turned down time after time in my chosen field. Because the social and interaction part of the job carried a huge amount of weight, I never got anywhere with it and was overlooked for promotion and other jobs time and time again. I took some time out of the workplace to do some different voluntary work and discovered that repetitive admin work, like keeping records in order works really well for me. I work for the NHS now in a small team and it’s great.

Don’t give up x