To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

So the OP was about the lecherous husband, and every reply from OP is about how much of a good idea it is to ‘work for’ him. Er..great? Enjoy your new ‘shit’ job.

Why can't he move to another employer in another area?

I've heard alot of businesses don't like to hire people who were previously self employed. Does anyone know if that's actually true? (And if so why);

I’m smart and qualified, I’m sick of not getting decent jobs. The only way forward for me is self employment because I’m sick of trying to convince someone to hire me, I need to make it happen for myself

What are you qualified in? You also said in an earlier post you have skills - what are they?
What is your ideal role/salary?

Putting all your eggs in a new business and self employment at the moment seems very high risk, before you add in the rocky relationship and simmering resentment.

An employed job would make a lot more sense on a number of levels.

If you ignore all the pitchfork LTB crowd, there are probably some posters here who can give you some good pointers on how to structure your career over the next few years to get you where you want to be

Go back to work. Earn your own money.

If you don't like Asda, there are plenty of other supermarkets.

And stop being so patronising about supermarket work/workers. There are plenty of different kinds of jobs in supermarkets, and also opportunities to progress if you want to.

It sounds like it would be a disaster working with your 'D'H, and a very risky time to set up his own business (depending on what it is, of course.)

You also need to sort out better childcare. If he's earning a good salary then you can do this.

In all honestly, it will not work. In fact, I would go as far as saying that I understand why you are considering divorcing him, he seems to be fully focused in his needs and wants and is playing with your hopes to change things for yourself.

I wouldn’t expect a business to pay dividends until a couple of years later and honestly, if you split before than, you won’t get any unless he has include you in the articles of association.

Getting an office job at the moment is not easy as there are a lot of people who took voluntary redundancies due to COVID trying to get one. Considering the little time you have I would suggest you to start studying ECDL online to refresh your technical skills so you are ready to start applying as soon as the kids go to nursery, I suggest volunteering to do admin work from home as a way to get more up to date references but do all this without involving your husband, it seems to me he is the kind of person who would do everything to push you down when he starts seeing you are becoming less dependant on him (or that his unconditional PA/nanny may decide she has rights)

brightyellow How would they know it was husband? I used to go work for DH aswell as my other job - I have a different surname so my cv would just be AB working for CD (husband’s name) Business Ltd. Even if same surname it could be Op working at Widget Ltd - company doesn’t need to be his name.

BTW Some NHS trusts offer support to get back to work by offering volunteering schemes. I know someone who did 6 months in an office role as a volunteer before moving into a paid role in another department, the scheme didn’t offer a job at the end of the volunteering but having recent experience and good up to date references made all the difference.

I think the problem is here that you saw those 4 hours as finally a chance for you to move out of the drudgery of your life (and how realistic that is isnt the point) and to move forward and learn and use your skills.

He saw it as a chance to have sex.

I think you are both unhappy with how this is all going - I think you want to have a career and support looking after the children. He wants a career he enjoys and your support financially.

You need to communicate I think openly about the fact that he isnt taking into account the childcare and how you feel looking after the children all the time and that you need time for yourself in order to feel open to a sexual relationship with him

@Dixiechickonhols a very basic online check from the companies house website would show who owned the company and the registered address etc

Could you potentially look at any volunteer roles that use the skills you have? If you're not earning anything now (and still won't be working with your DH,) you won't be any worse off?

Will your husband's hours reduce in launching his own business? If so, I suggest using some time in the evenings for formal training. With all due respect, if an applicant's CV hits my desk with 10 year old degree, 6 years supermarket work, then 4 years working break, I would question why HR shortlisted you.

I suggest to have a think about what your skills are, and what accredited training course could be a good fit.

I think that you both sound incredibly naive about having your own business, it’s very different to being employed and there are no guarantees that it will work out, could finish up with no income and a load of debt. What is your skill set? Can you manage accountancy software, do you have good admin skills, can you do marketing, this is all basic stuff. If the business fails nobody will want to employ you, if the business is a success employers will be suspicious of you wanting to leave.

Go and do a business course at a local college part time and then get a job. Successfully running your own business takes hard work, determination and skills, and probably much longer hours than employment for the first few years, doesn’t sound like you have much of a chance to be honest.

@Dixiechickonhols

brightyellow How would they know it was husband? I used to go work for DH aswell as my other job - I have a different surname so my cv would just be AB working for CD (husband’s name) Business Ltd. Even if same surname it could be Op working at Widget Ltd - company doesn’t need to be his name.

There could be loads of hints... the business address to which they apply for her reference is the same as her home address; if they're curious what the business does and search Companies House there's her name as a director; they search for her on social media and spot her husband has the same name as her referee. Depends how much due diligence they do on potential employees.

@Dixiechickonhols That's why I said "If it was clear..." as in the applicant had stated that they were working for a family business or if it was pretty obvious that's what it was because the company was "Wilsons Widgets Ltd" and not only was the applicant's surname Wilson but they were listed as a company director at Companies House.

I'm not saying this applies to the OP at all but I know someone who works for their family's business and it's because they weren't very successful in non-family business jobs. If I've got to choose candidates, it could be a red flag.

@Neonlightning

Will your husband's hours reduce in launching his own business? If so, I suggest using some time in the evenings for formal training. With all due respect, if an applicant's CV hits my desk with 10 year old degree, 6 years supermarket work, then 4 years working break, I would question why HR shortlisted you.

I suggest to have a think about what your skills are, and what accredited training course could be a good fit.

Do anyone hours reduce when they run a business?

I would start with 12 hours a day 7 days a week as being the requirement if you want success in a new business. Maybe drop to 6 days after a couple of years.

What was your degree in? Why didn’t you pursue it at job level?

A ten year old degree with no following related work experience isn’t really relevant to your current employability.

Would you not consider a supermarket job with the expectation of progressing to back office work? That would make you more likely to land an office manager position eventually.

My friends who are PA/office managers don’t have degrees, they worked their way up to that position.

If you want to do PA work do a course and look for temp contracts.

You’re not going to get a highly paid job from being your husband’s secretary.
Also it sounds like it will be an unstable career option.

Or are you fixated with your perceived status of being a company director and being married to a company director?

If you divorce whilst working for your H (who you don’t sound happy with), he could leave you with nothing financially it’s very easy to hide assets when you’re self employed. Then you’d face no career history (how would you get a reference), and leave behind a company you helped build up without reaping any of the benefits.

Also currently covid, self employed business are being hit hard. Are you really expecting this business to make it under the current climate?
You say you’ll downsize if it fails. But you don’t want a ‘shitty checkout job’. Will you really be content downgrading your home?

You would be much better off taking some on-line courses and gaining some current qualifications, than working for your DH. Even an internship would be better, or volunteering as treasurer for the PTA.

Your DH is not a good teacher, and he is not a good boss. He obviously doesn't care that you want to learn and you will always be expected to just teach yourself and fill the labour gap for him.

There are a lot of on-line learning options just now - I would look into one of them and spend your Sundays on that. It will help your self esteem and identity outside the family unit as well.

Good luck.

@Sylvac, agree I would expect his working hours would increase but I had the vibe from the OP working hours was a reason to leave his job and set up himself.

Look for something outside the home. I personally wouldnt work with a partner. If he anything like my mam they be a strop if not their own way or things dont go his way..

By the way, regarding being smart and qualified... a 10 years old degree and no recent experience other than ASDA doesn’t make you look like that.

Most people I know working in admin jobs have postgraduate degrees or very recent bachelors degrees. Some have PhDs. But having that won’t get you an admin job, as you will be hired to do a certain job that requires different skills to those you may have gained at university. Don’t think for a moment of admin jobs as they were 30 years ago, when you just needed to do some typing, take notes and pick up the phone. Things are very specialised these days.

Most supermarkets have graduate schemes for their employees, it doesn't matter what subject your degree is in and could be a pathway for other opportunities. Even if you were you go back to customer service, recent experience will be better on your CV.

My friends partner set up his own business it was quite successful but destroyed their relationship due to the long hour he worked. My sister did the accounts for her DH business, his business was moderately successful. She still worked in her PT job throughout. He sadly died and she decided to sell the business as it stood.

Self employment is horribly precarious but your husbands attitude is utterly repugnant coupled with the fact you had your Mum downstairs makes it so much worse.

Apply for a job and see about attending a course at a local college to brush up admin skills.

Why can't savings or DHs good salary be used for you to undertake some training
I’ve had training. Lots of it. It hasn’t helped me get a job. I didn’t intend to go into this, but feedback from employers always says I’m well qualified and smart but they’re rejecting me for my autistic traits.

They don’t actually say that - they say I made the interviewer feel awkward, there was no rapport, we’re not a good fit, I seem too nervous, I don’t make eye contact or smile enough, I seem insincere, my speech seems stilted and they recommend exploring speech therapy, etc. I’ve already HAD speech therapy, my speech is as good as it’s going to get but it’s still not enough. I’ve HAD therapy to improve social skills, I’m trying really hard and I think I’m making eye contact and smiling but it’s still not enough.

Basically I’m not going to get a job. It was a fluke I got hired at Asda, it was only because they were desperate for someone to start immediately the next day. I worked hard and was always available to cover, did favours for people, so they kept me on. But when I applied for better positions I always got turned down. So it’s not surprising that when DH has offered me to be his assistant I’ve jumped at the chance. It’s the only offer I’ve ever had, or likely to get. I truly don’t see any other options for me. Employers didn’t even want to hire me when I was a young recent graduate worth no kids, so why would they change their minds now?

You sound like a kid playing “office” - giving yourself a fancy sounding title of office manager means nothing - but there is no office! It’s you both sat at home. There are literally no office management duties to speak of.

You’re a university graduate & seriously believe the only way out of working in a supermarket is to do 4 your husband’s paperwork for 4 hours a week?

You sound quite honestly out of touch with the job market today & frankly deluded.

You sound like you had a chip on your shoulder & above supermarket work. However own your choices! You chose to stagnate & not use your degree to leverage a better job then decided to start your family & take yourself out of the job market. It sounds like you have not ever been career minded?

So recognise that you are now choosing to see this as your perceived only option because it sounds more appealing than any of the other options - it sounds like less work & more exciting to play “office manager” role than the alternative, which you perceive as being less glamorous.

In reality if what you want is a job in an office you could do this without him. You don’t need him to get that, if that is what you want.

You would (I believe) be better off & more likely to get what you ultimately want by going back to the supermarket & applying for jobs on their administration side - getting promoted to back office work.

Am also a bit at the flippant notion that if husband’s business fails then you’ll just sell your house & downsize. Isn’t the whole point of this to get ahead in life?

Also with respect it it’s just a bit of admin work you don’t need all this “training” - it’s pretty straightforward, if you can obtain a degree you can likely do all the tasks required without requiring so much ongoing “training”.

Just get a sense of total naivety in this post about what this job actually is & what it can realistically do for you in the long run. What real office manager works 4 hours per week ? It sounds like you’ll be doing some basic bookkeeping & admin. Which again doesn’t need all this “training because it’s basic. There is a whole lot more an office manager may be responsible for that you won’t understand because you’ve never actually worked in a real office environment before.

People who have worked have all identified that you’d be better off going to work at any other large company in literally any capacity, check their internal jobs & get a promotion / work your way into a different department.