To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

This is utter bullshit. I know plenty of women with senior jobs and some semblance of work life balance, and so many men whose wives are breaking themselves do a accommodate their husband’s extensive working hours.

it's very easy to pretend it's "bullshit"
but you could also look at the figures and profiles of high level roles in this country...

and see how well demanding a "work balance" works out for women
🤷

You can't have people arguing about the gender gap and come up with "women work less and achieve just as much". Clearly they don't.

@CurlyReds

Yesterday was the first time you had started working together. It was also Valentine's Day. We’ve been working on Sundays for the past month. I don’t care if it’s Valentines Day, that’s my work time, my only time with no kids, to work on my skills. It’s not like he made the effort to buy me a card or anything (I bought him a card, not that I’m bothered just making a point).

He wants time alone with you - but you are "having a breakdown" and he has to work long hours in the job that he is doing
I already had a breakdown. I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep and one day I just lay down in the road sobbing and waited for a car to squash me. I reported myself to social services because I couldn’t cope with DC, who I think may also be autistic. DH was furious because he thought I should just cope with it and not involve SS. He was choosing to work longer hours than he was contracted for, prioritising his promotion above my need for support. In the end my mum stepped up to babysit and give me time to sleep. My son sleeps much better now so she doesn’t do that any more.

I feel like my son is such hard work and the second I get a break from him, DH is on my back for sex. Sorry but my break time is for ME. My mum is putting herself out and taking a risk to babysit during the pandemic for MY benefit. It makes me angry that DH thinks that I should go straight from looking after DC to looking after HIM.

So basically he is putting himself first in every situation here. He is behaving completely selfishly. I do feel for you, but why do you think this is going change once he is self employed?

but anyone who has to take offence of a username before finding an argument when they disagree generally don't have much of a point to put forward

Student loan repayments do not kick in before 19k or 26k depending on which plan you are on. And above £50k your husband will pay 32% tax on any dividends whereas you would pay 7.5% and then possibly an additional 9% in student loan so don't assume that it should be £12k to you and the rest to him...

"Be warned it is hard to work with your DH.... if you are not calm people with decent communication skills, it could destry your business, financial security and marriage. Putting the boundaries in now and getting each others full acceptance of such is essential."

Frankly your DH has JUST demonstrated that he is NOT a calm person with decent communication skills.

So, withdraw your offer of work for him now.

@CurlyReds

Yesterday was the first time you had started working together. It was also Valentine's Day. We’ve been working on Sundays for the past month. I don’t care if it’s Valentines Day, that’s my work time, my only time with no kids, to work on my skills. It’s not like he made the effort to buy me a card or anything (I bought him a card, not that I’m bothered just making a point).

He wants time alone with you - but you are "having a breakdown" and he has to work long hours in the job that he is doing
I already had a breakdown. I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep and one day I just lay down in the road sobbing and waited for a car to squash me. I reported myself to social services because I couldn’t cope with DC, who I think may also be autistic. DH was furious because he thought I should just cope with it and not involve SS. He was choosing to work longer hours than he was contracted for, prioritising his promotion above my need for support. In the end my mum stepped up to babysit and give me time to sleep. My son sleeps much better now so she doesn’t do that any more.

I feel like my son is such hard work and the second I get a break from him, DH is on my back for sex. Sorry but my break time is for ME. My mum is putting herself out and taking a risk to babysit during the pandemic for MY benefit. It makes me angry that DH thinks that I should go straight from looking after DC to looking after HIM.

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds awful. Did you seek any support from your GP? Were social services able to offer any practical help with DC? I'm glad your son is sleeping better now.

DH can be 'furious' all he likes if he's the one actually doing the hard work. But when he's leaving you to sink, he loses the right to have an opinion.

I’m afraid I would be telling him no more sex at all for the next few months and if he behaves himself and actually makes an effort with the children around the house then you might be more in the mood for it then.

Do you still want to work for him if it won't do anything to get you another "office job"?

That's sexual harassment in the workplace, tell him. Any more of that and you'll have to report him. He sounds like a knob though.

Op, can I ask, and you don’t need to answer, but what is it about your speech that’s the issue?
Some words are oddly accented, they’re understandable but don’t come out quite right. Other words I avoid saying completely because I know I can’t pronounce them clearly. Word ending with -ing are a good example, I can’t get my tongue round them no matter how I try, so I sometimes come up with an odd turn of speech to avoid saying -ing. I also sound weirdly stilted and formal, I have an odd way of phrasing things sometimes, and I have palilalia which means I repeat words and phrases without even noticing I’m doing it. I sometimes use the wrong pitch, intonation and rhythm - not enough to seem bizarre but enough that people feel uncomfortable because there’s something slightly off but they can’t put their finger on it. The best way to describe it is like an eccentric professor. Coupled with lack of eye contact and appropriate facial expressions it can be unnerving. I’ve had years of therapy through school which has improved me from someone with an obvious disability to someone who just makes you feel awkward because something isn’t quite right. This is the best it’s going to get.

You write well, you’re educated, you completed a degree, youve worked on the checkout, you work for a charity, all of which will cause you to need to speak to people.
I don’t have an intellectual disability, in fact I’ve usually been top of the class. But schools and universities have to be inclusive - employers don’t. I’m very capable and intelligent but the reaction from employers has always been “she’s weird”, “she makes me feel uncomfortable”, “there’s something off about her”, and then they won’t hire me. Often I find out later they picked someone less educated and skilled but more capable of chit chat and building rapport. I do talk to people and I get by just fine, but I don’t doubt that they all think I’m “slightly off” and wouldn’t pick me if they had a choice.

Seriously look into disability schemes OP public sector or large company. That’s what they are for to make reasonable adjustments.

He just wanted a bit of cheeky fun for gods sake! You're absolutely allowed to say no if you don't fancy it - of course! But your "shes come to help us whilst we work, not for you to get your 'kicks'...." was extremely nasty and uncalled for!!!!You're married. You (presumably) fancy each other and he just wanted a bit of fun

ffs. What a load of crap.

OP ask him if he's serious about his business or does he want to open a knocking shop.

I had a friend with physical and speech difficulties but she successfully worked at a large bank
I actually think it’s easier to work when you’re visibly disabled. People are more understanding and accommodating. But I’m not visibly disabled. In a way, therapy has made my situation worse because I’ve gone from having an obvious disability which people might have accommodated, to just seeming “weird” and “slightly off” but not enough for people to realise its due to disability. They just feel awkward because I come across “wrong” and they don’t want to be around me.

If the situation is as you say with how you come across socially, then office management/generic admin work is likely to be a dead end for you, truly. It will always, always depend on and be facilitated primarily through social skills. Certainly any employed option will require good social and interpersonal skills as a basic.

Your best bet is to develop a specific and profitable technical skill of some sort, one you can do fairly independently. With strong enough technical skills you can be employed or self-employed and do your communicating primarily virtually. Many large companies are actively working towards being supportive environments for neurodiverse people so that they can broaden their technical talent pool.

I just can't see how office management is going to work for you in the future if, even immediately post graduation, you weren't able to get a job because of your social skills/speech pattern

Office management is one of the jobs in which you have to show incredible social skill.

I think you have the office management plan "stuck" in your head. I'd suggest you look at meeting with a specialist career counselor in your area.

It sounds like the jobs you are applying for aren't suited to you, but that doesn't mean that none will. I have worked a few places within the same organisation where the ability to build rapport etc isn't needed. Mainly as the work is not done customer facing if that makes sense, and the teams have a real mix of different people and skills etc. Would something like that where you work independently a fair amount but are part of a wider team suit you do you think?

You may not have a physical or 'obvious' disability, and may feel you are just odd or wierd. I get that. But that doesnt negate the fact that those opportunities are still there, and neurodiversity is recognised as a disability.
My DP works for the council and he has ASD. He may not be 'wierd' but he is definately not one of the gang, and its obvious that he needs somethings done in certain ways, as is accommodated in that way. Another guy works there and is quite obviously ASD with social /speech stuff just as you describe. He has friends. They know what he can do and the stuff they want to keep him away from. He does his work well, and you know, people dont recoil away, or suspect he is on some sort of disability workplace scheme, they just accept that he is like he is and thats just him.
In a big place, like the council, there are a huge range of people, and they look after you.

I also feel it would be healthy for you to spend some time out of the home, in an environment far away from where you are mum and hosuewife. For your own mental health.

@GraduallyWatermelon

I just can't see how office management is going to work for you in the future if, even immediately post graduation, you weren't able to get a job because of your social skills/speech pattern

Office management is one of the jobs in which you have to show incredible social skill.

I think you have the office management plan "stuck" in your head. I'd suggest you look at meeting with a specialist career counselor in your area.

I think that’s a fair point and I wonder if OP might be better off focusing on her particular skills and figuring out a way to WFH/set up her own little online company of 1 where her tech skills are more important than her social skills.

If I hired someone to do E-marketing for me, I don’t really care what their social skills are like, it’s not relevant to the job.

And frankly quite a lot of techy people have ASD traits even if they are not specifically ASD.

My friend looked normal OP (whatever that is) her physical disability was a serious heart defect so couldn’t walk far/carry plus a cleft palate affecting speech. A relative is deaf and works in admin for council. Seriously don’t rule out accommodations for disability could be exactly what you need to get foot in door.

Do you put you have a disability on application forms? And explain what it is?

Have you explored the cause, and have you been assessed foe autism?

This is long, sorry.

I really feel for you OP. I had a similarly exhausting time with my oldest - terrible sleeper, some ASD and other personality traits that did not fit well with my introverted personality. It definitely made me less keen for the physical relationship with my husband - as you say, it just felt like another job to do at the time, sadly.

My sister is an autist. She, like you, was generally top of the class and she has an excellent degree from one of the best unis in the country. However, she lost a decade to depression after repeated ‘failure’ in the job market. She scarcely left the house, was living at home with my parents, and even ended up with psychotic episodes. The anti-depressants were as disabling as her neurodivergence, as they made her lethargic. Of course, this meant she had no job history for 10 years, and she didn’t have the justifiable reason of caring for a child. Like you, she doesn’t have an obvious disability and she was not diagnosed until in her 20s. She coped alright in a sheltered school environment (private school) but she is noticeably ‘odd’ and it makes people uncomfortable. She is prone to panicking and does not take the initiative well - lists of things to do are great, but not expected for people with her qualifications.

Anyway, eventually, after much persuasion, she agreed to disclose her ‘disability’ (she actually has fantastic abilities that come from the same neurodivergence...) and was hired by a public sector organisation. They recognise the skills she does have and can make adjustments for what she struggles with. It’s a low paid job, and not what she would have imagined herself doing when she was at school but if it weren’t for some unrelated life changing events in the last few years, she would probably be able to use the experience she now has to step up. She is happy where she is though. She knows what is expected and she can use her brain enough - the rest of what she needs intellectually she does in her free time.

I really hope things work out for you. My husband always said, if he ever started his own business he would employ my sister in a heartbeat. As long as you know and recognise what she can’t do, she is an amazing asset to a company. It’s a shame more people don’t recognise that not everyone needs to ‘fit in’.

I'd apply for the council op and declare your disability. Your plan with your dh is worrying from several angles. You just need someone to give you a break.

Do you declare your disability? It's more likely to work positively if you do, rather than trying to hide it.
Also, have you thought of a different type of office job that would suit better than an office manager? For example, some employers seek those with autism such as SAP or GCHQ as they find those with suit their job roles.