To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

His temper tantrum aside (that's a whole other answer), how does being his assistant give you a proper job? Is he going to pay you the going rate? To me you seem to be way better off getting a job away from him, earning some money (even if that's basic wage) and working your way up (training courses etc) to get the job you want. He seems awful and I'd be plotting my exit unless he is literally never like this, apologise profusely and it's a one off.

So he has asked you to be his assistant which is not a paid position? Absolutely do not do this.
If you get a job elsewhere it might be minimum wage, but minimum wage is a lot more than no wage. And you will get paid holidays and National Insurance contributions towards a state pension and also a work place pension that way. All of which are good for your future financial independence.
If you were to split up with him at any point, without your own job and pensions you will be stuffed.
What do you mean you don't want a job for tax reasons?

Also do you really think this will progress your career?? No matter how you dress it up on your cv recruiters aren’t going to be fooled. You’re working for your husband because you’re his wife.

I do the books for my husband's business - was bit of a rocky road to start with but l told him in no uncertain terms if a boss spoke to me they way he did that one time, l would be telling them where to stick the job.
We now let each other get on with their roles and he does pay me but the difference is l already have a job outside of the home . Not sure l would want the money he pays me to be my only income.
So putting aside what happened yesterday OP, l would talk to him about it, maybe help out a bit but get a job outside of your home too.

What's he like the rest of the time? You say he doesn't do his fair share but he seems to have been working long hours. If generally, things are good, then I would have a good chat with him and explain how it would have to be if you worked for him: that work and your marriage are separate, you are to be treated with respect and so on.

I would only join a business with my husband as joint owner/partner.

Your husband is not able to work with his wife as he lacks boundaries. It may not mean that you don't work as a couple, but you don't work as coworkers and partners due to his shortcomings. Keep the two seperate.

And yes, go back to work.

Yeah you really need to get your own job, it doesn't sound like him having any control over you in a professional manner will be a good idea at all

@CurlyReds

Does the new business generate enough to employ an assistant? He can’t afford an assistant. That’s why he asked me. I currently earn nothing so we’re no worse off. For tax reasons I don’t want to be paid a salary, I’ll take a dividend when the business makes a profit.

Hold onto your financial independence
I don’t have any. If I get a job I’ll likely be returning to a min wage supermarket position. This is an opportunity for me to move into an office job that I wouldn’t otherwise have.

It doesn't make sense for both of you to be counting on his business
Currently we both count on his job, so it’s no different.

Thats poor tax practice- does he have the basic skills and knowledge to runs a business?

You should be paid before any profits are declared as you have a personal tax free allowance of £12,500. You can be a shareholder as well.

Get a supermarket job. Usually there’s scope moving to chasing up and back office work.

Supermarket job is a stepping stone towards regaining your financial independence

Moving up not chasing 🤦🏻‍♀️

I worked with dh for 10 years. It worked well because I was paid a salary and we had a clear boundary between work and home. The work place was not in our home. Once I wanted to work full time in a better paid role, I moved on and he employed a new part timer.
It doesn't sound as if this arrangement is right for you and your dh though.

Not least because he clearly sees you as very junior AND that your presence brings additional "perks" for him
He had said before that if anything happens to him he’s worried I’ll struggle to support DC and will end up working long hours on a supermarket checkout. Part of the reason for starting a business was to get me into an office job. If he died I could hire to fill his position and keep running the business. Or I could sell the business and have a lump sum of cash plus experience to help me get another office manager job.

It was supposed to be equal though - we would both be company directors, he would handle clients and I’d do the support functions. But it’s suddenly become very clear that he sees himself as the brains and the main asset while I’m just his servant. And he has effectively fired me because he didn’t get his own way yesterday.

Would not be taking title as his assistant.

Surely it will take time for his business to get off the ground? Can you do the supermarket or paid work along side some work for him?

I personally wouldn’t want to work with my husband, and we have a great relationship. You sound as though you have a strained relationship making this even less ideal.

You say he doesn't do his fair share but he seems to have been working long hours
Many times we had the same conversation where I told him I don’t care about money, I just want to sleep. I don’t care about him working his way up to senior manager, I’m having a nervous breakdown and I need support with the baby more than I need a husband with a posh job. He ignored me and continued to work stupid hours.

I don’t know op. You’re putting great store by this of being an office job. When originally you say it’s him being self employed and you being his assistant. You being his assistant is not equal. It’s hardly an office job either if you’re sitting doing his admin. I’m not really sure I’d consider that a job opportunity to be honest.

I’d stop the plan of working for your DH because it doesn’t seem like a healthy idea for your marriage, but I don’t think you can blame your DH for wanting to be a bit closer to you in the first opportunity he’s had for the last year.

Him hoping for sex doesn’t make him a bad person, parent or partner. It makes him normal.

You need to give up on the idea of him providing a career for you and start somewhere to do it yourself.

I think you’ve different opinions. You see it as him setting up a company and you getting a job opportunity. He sees it as he is going self employed and you being his assistant and doing the admin work for him. Setting up a limited company is the norm for self employed people as it reduces the tax burden.

@CurlyReds have you been making your regular NI contributions while you have had no income? A part time minimum wage job would give you more financial independence than relying on your husband’s business. The only way you can work with him is if he is respectful towards you as an employee and he’s already proved that isn’t going to happen.

If his business doesn’t work out or if your marriage ends, you need to be able to earn your own money.

What did you do before you had children? Could you do a course which would help you get work?

@CurlyReds

Does the new business generate enough to employ an assistant? He can’t afford an assistant. That’s why he asked me. I currently earn nothing so we’re no worse off. For tax reasons I don’t want to be paid a salary, I’ll take a dividend when the business makes a profit.

Hold onto your financial independence
I don’t have any. If I get a job I’ll likely be returning to a min wage supermarket position. This is an opportunity for me to move into an office job that I wouldn’t otherwise have.

It doesn't make sense for both of you to be counting on his business
Currently we both count on his job, so it’s no different.

It is different because if his job is consistent employment with a contract.

DH and I have a limited company but both do our own thing within it. I think directly working together - especially if one is the boss and one the “assistant” - creates a lot of power imbalance. We are both directors, equal shareholders, neither of us is the boss. DH very much sees us as equal. We both take the same salary and the same dividends regardless of who brought the most money in (always him, I am mostly caring for our kids).

If you’re going to do this, and it may be good experience for you, you need ground rules and he needs to be professional.

He wants to take the leap to self employed, but also wants to spend the time dedicated to setting up the business to have sex? I'll be honest, this isn't a man I'd trust with my families financial security. He seems very easily put off doing the hard work needed to start a business.

Honestly OP you are better off getting your own job, I know you don't want minimum wage work - but it's surely better to get that and work your way up than rely on him? Especially if he's jacking in his current job to start this business

Do you have skills to do the office manager role? Do you understand Accounting, Payroll, HR? If you've never worked in these fields and never studied them, its a jump to think one role in your husband's business (where he's the only other employee) would be enough to get you this role if you needed it.

Equally, could you take over for him? If he's marketing himself, he must have skills, qualifications and experience that make him valuable. What's the plan for you to gain these?

Do you understand that you can only draw a dividend if the business is profitable post-tax in the year? And that you will be taxed on that and will need to file tax returns, as opposed to Salary where you'd pay no personal tax for the first 12.5k, and would be able to make NI contributions and set up a workplace pension?

Is you husband being paid, or is he also trying to 'dividend only'. If he is, what's your plan for paying your bills in the short term? Most start-ups lose money in year one and two, and break even in year three.

And for tax reasons you absolutely do want to take a salary. This will reduce the amount of NI he pays (if any), company profits on which corporation tax is payable, and you have to pay tax on dividends over a certain amount. It would make sense for both of you to take a salary rather than dividends if income is low, or a salary with dividends on top.

@AmandaHoldensLips

And tell him you're done with doing 100% of the child-rearing. He can step up and do his share from now on. Just like he will have to do if you divorce him and he gets the kids 50% of the time.

This kind of comment is silly.

Child arrangement orders are based on the needs of the children, not parents saying "ha ha, see how you like that, then". The children have been looked after almost exclusively by their mother, so that status quo would be preserved if she left the father.

In any case, what mother would want their children looked after by an absent father who has never shown any interest in family life?

He can't 'step up', because he's got a full time job.

In the first instance, the OP should tell her husband that working together is not going to work.

Then she should spend her very limited time making herself more employable in whatever way she can do this.

If it does come to a divorce, she would be expected to work - though not necessarily at first. Her husband would likely have to support her initially. Divorce or not, it would be sensible for the OP to take steps to further her own earning potential.

This is my chance to get an office job and have a husband who’s a business owner.

Is it?

If you have the skills to be his admin assistant or partner, can you not apply for admin roles outside of the house (as well as supermarket jobs)

Or would you have time in the evening to do an online qualification like bookkeeping for example, which might help you access other jobs?