To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

Op, you can get an office job, it doesn't take too much. Temping is a really good way to get your foot in the door. You need to have the childcare ready to go.

Your mum's kind offer of childcare may be better spent when your DH is at work and you could do an It literacy type course or something like AAT.

*AAT courses are a series of accountancy qualifications that start off at level 1, they are really accessible and widely recognised.

If you're capable of doing the admin and other office work, why don't you look for work in an office not a supermarket?
I’ve applied repeatedly and been turned down. A ten year old degree and supermarket checkout experience followed by a 4yr gap to have kids - that’s not what employers are looking for.

You talk as though having a supermarket/retail job is a bad thing, but it would be much better to be earning your own money have your own financial independence. At the moment your DH is in control of everything, to the point where he even wants sex on demand or you'll be out of a job. Just because he's your husband doesn't make that okay, imagine if any other boss tried that?!

Working with your DH isn't the only way to get into an office job, I went from retail to office just by simply applying although I appreciate its not always that simple. Have you had a look at what oppertunities are available around you? Could you perhaps start training in a field you're interested in which might open up more job oppertunities when your child is older and you have more time available to work?

To answer your question, you're definitely not unreasonable to refuse to work with him. He tried to take advantage of you and as much as you say this is supposed to be an equal position, he is the one who holds the cards and he has the ability to fire you any time you don't do as he pleases. That is not a healthy relationship at all.

As well as financial independence, a supermarket job would give you independence in many other ways. You will meet new people and just generally having a break from home life will be refreshing. I can't imagine how suffocated I'd feel if I was at home with my partner all day long, no matter how good our relationship is.

Could you take the supermarket job, and also do his admin? so you have a fail safe? its a new start up you said, so i'm wondering how much work there would be initially?

you could always drop hours at supermarket if it all kicks off massively?

that aside, it would irritate me to fuck that dh wanted help and then was just trying to get off. in a formal employment situation that would constitute sexual harassment in the workplace...

So in short - having read your posts:

• You're too well educated (in your opinion) for a supermarket job
• Your husband works long hours to support you and the child
• You dislike him working long hours
• You want him to own his own business because you could then become a PA
• You then want to divorce him because you'll have office experience and be more employable
• You don't actually like him and are staying with him because when he 'becomes a business owner' he'll likely be better off?

I had a 'shit' job (as you described it) for 4 years after uni despite having a great degree from a top 5 uni. I now work in a very good job and earn more than my friends who took 'graduate jobs.' Every job provides opportunities for advancement.

Stop being a job snob. Given the current environment a supermarket job is probably THE most stable job going at the moment.

What’s your degree in? Could you not apply for graduate roles in that field? I’m not sure this would lead to a PA/admin role if the only experience you have is working for your husband in such a role. Nor would it be realistic to think that recruiters would view you as a director.

I think you need a rethink.

Maybe that’s their chosen job and appropriate to their qualifications. But I’m a graduate and I don’t want to be there

Bluntly OP your degree means fuck all without experience and now maybe even out of date as you went from no experience to being a SAHM, you need to get real here and start at the bottom and work up.

You seem to have some pie in the sky notion that this admin role will lead to a big job but most recruiters will look at it as you working for your hubby around the kids, a bit of pin money and no real experience gained.

I have a degree and had to start with the shit jobs too, literally as once out of college to a bad job market my first job was as a cleaner, then in a cafe, did an admin course in the evenings and then low ranking admin job that was hell on earth. It's how most people go, nothing to do with being a graduate at all, very few people walk into a dream job.

Op, could there be another issue at play? Quitting your job to go self employed is a really risky thing to do financially. Especially when your family is reliant on your income. Bringing in business is a job in itself and not easy to do. Could he literally be looking for an excuse not to?

Has he got savings behind him? Have you? What will you both do if it dries up?

I dunno, I guess I just saw this as an opportunity for us both. DH hates his employer, I feel sick at the thought of going back to Asda, we could be self employed business owners and I could actually make use of my brain. But it’s no good if he’s going to sack me when he doesn’t get his own way. I’m also really angry - my whole life is serving the needs of others, DH doesn’t understand that I deserve to be able to work and those 4hrs are for me, not for me to serve him even more.

Maybe that’s their chosen job and appropriate to their qualifications. But I’m a graduate and I don’t want to be there. Maternity was a blessed escape, I don’t want to go back to work that doesn’t utilise my skills.

It is actually hard to secure supermarket work at the moment as it is a secure job amongst a sea of redundancies. I think your attitude is perhaps the reason you haven't been successful in securing jobs. Perhaps working for your husband for completely his benefit is the best way forward for you, saves you from mixing with those you see as lesser. A degree doesn't mean that much now unfortunately.

You are more likely to be offered an office job being able to offer a reference from a supermarket rather than working for your DH in his business.

I also had to retake retake my maths gcse to get the office job I wanted. They had a blanket policy of an A to C in Maths and English and no amount of additional qualifications overrode that requirement.

Get a job. Let him set up his business on his own. Then if it's a success you could consider working with him. I agree that a shitty supermarket job is better than a boss who treats you like a chattel.

Yeah, sleeping with the boss always ends badly...

I think that’s the fundamental issue OP - you can’t trust your husband to treat you as an equal or to offer you any kind of respect. That being the case, the kind of dependence on him you are suggesting would put you in a very precarious position. I would be very wary of it, and I think any job outside the home (even one you think is beneath you...) would put you in a much stronger position.

Op, could there be another issue at play? Quitting your job to go self employed is a really risky thing to do financially
The other option is to stay with his horrible current employer. Golden handcuffs, no similar jobs available in the region so he can’t switch jobs. He wants to be self employed and I’m willing to support him. If it fails we’ll sell the house and downsize. I don’t see why he should have to take their shit for the next 30 years.

I have a degree and had to start with the shit jobs too
Yes so have I. For ten years. I’m smart and qualified, I’m sick of not getting decent jobs. The only way forward for me is self employment because I’m sick of trying to convince someone to hire me, I need to make it happen for myself.

I think it's unrealistic to assume this position would lead to another office manager role. Maybe after a few yrs if the business was a success & expanded but it's no guarantee.

Why can't savings or DHs good salary be used for you to undertake some training or voluntary work?

You deserve to be able to work, yes, but it’s not up to him to provide it for you at the exclusion of anything he needs from the marriage.

Your problem may be that you saw those 4 hours as being all about you, even though you need your DH to be there teaching you things. Why are those four hours all about you? Is that just what you decided and you expect DH to automatically agree?

Your DH clearly saw it differently, but that doesn’t make him wrong.

I’ve applied repeatedly and been turned down. A ten year old degree and supermarket checkout experience followed by a 4yr gap to have kids - that’s not what employers are looking for.

It's incredibly frustrating & it's ok to want to do a job better suited to your skills. I'm just not sure why working for your dh will help you get those roles.

Do you have skills to do the office manager role? Do you understand Accounting, Payroll, HR?

I have a degree. The 4hrs on Sunday for six months are supposed to be for him to teach me the stuff I need to know. In return he gets an office manager without paying the going rate, enabling him to be self employed.

I say this gently but if a CV landed on my desk for someone saying they had PA experience but it was clear that they were working for their partner in their partner's business I wouldn't really count that as 'proper' experience. I'd be looking for someone who had worked as an independent employee.

If you've previously worked for a supermarket, are there any office jobs there that you could apply for there? If not, I would get some proper training - not 'being shown how to do things' by your husband but verifiable and certified courses or qualifications that you can show to an employer that says what skills you've gained. Again, I say this gently but with very little track record and experience that's nebulous at best (and attained in a family business) a degree doesn't count for much. If you want to shift into an office job, get some quantifiable skills and be prepared to start at the very bottom.

On the family business front, I would absolutely NOT do this. Not only is it unlikely to give you the experience you want but your husband seems to be a massively controlling arse. If he was genuine about supporting your career then he'd be using the time to help you, not trying to get his jollies. His behaviour alone shows why you need the ability to get a job elsewhere and some financial independence.

Dividends have to be paid in proportion to shareholdings. If you both own half the shares you both get half the dividends. Saying that if you were paid equally you'd pay more tax doesn't sound right.
Get a part time job, even if it is in a supermarket. You can still help with business admin. I'm not convinced that working for your husband is going to get you a PA job elsewhere. You need some independent income, it doesn't sound as if he is treating you with any respect. If he knows that his unpaid admin job is your only chance he can hold that over you. You might well be able to find a local business which would give you unpaid work experience, you could do that part time and a supermarket job part time.

In your position OP I would return to Asda (as soul destroying as that may be) ask my mum to continue minding the DC for four hours on a Sunday and use that time to complete a qualification in payroll or similar. I think your frustration at your job, your frustration at your husbands behaviour by leaving you as a soul carer to the DC as well as your upset at not being where you want to be in life is clouding everything for you right now. For what it's worth I hope you get the future you want with a rewarding work and home life.

Op have you done any additional learning in the last 10 years?

Unfortunately the degree is 10 years old and out of date now. Look at future learn and linked in for webinars, online courses you can do from home (many are free) and start building your skills and knowledge up - makes you more employable, builds your network up and gives you skills you can use either in work or supporting the business.

Focus on you, use those hours to build up your skills.

Also running your own business is all encompassing & will likely make him even less hands on.