To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

You’ve posted saying you want to refuse to work with him but now you seem to be clinging on to this job for dear life??

You should be paid before any profits are declared as you have a personal tax free allowance of £12,500. You can be a shareholder as well.
I would get paid just enough to use my tax free allowance, and I get my NI from child benefit until DC is 12. Nowhere near the going rate for the job and much less than I’d earn in a supermarket. DH would get paid the rest and the money would go into our joint account. If we got paid equally we’d end up paying more in tax.

If you were to split up with him at any point, without your own job and pensions you will be stuffed.
On the contrary - currently I can’t split up with him because he has a good salary and I would only have a supermarket salary. Whereas with a few years experience of being a PA I could leave him and get a decent job. Not that it was the plan, but it makes me more able to support myself.

If you have the skills to be his admin assistant or partner, can you not apply for admin roles outside of the house (as well as supermarket jobs)

Yes or

Whereas with a few years experience of being a PA I could leave him and get a decent job.

I think it's a bit naive to assume that this role will automatically lead to a better paid PA role. If you already have that experience why not just got a PA job now?

He can’t afford an assistant. That’s why he asked me. I currently earn nothing so we’re no worse of

He would be no worse off, you would be still doing all the childcare, home stuff and this office admin work as well as being treated as an underling both at home and at work. All that for no pay. You wrote that you almost had a breakdown with the pressure of being the only active parent to your DC, and now you want to add an admin job on top of that?

Step back OP, I think the best thing you can do is get a part time shit job (for now) train for an admin position and then entry level job in an office. You may not want to do that but working with your husband is not going to work. How long do you think it will be before he is dictating and "bossing" you at home, outside of work hours, how long until he dangles that admin job over your head again because you did not comply to what he wants.

@AmandaHoldensLips

And tell him you're done with doing 100% of the child-rearing. He can step up and do his share from now on. Just like he will have to do if you divorce him and he gets the kids 50% of the time.

Presumably if it’s ok for the OP to do that, it’s also ok for the DH in this scenario to demand that OP steps up and does her share of the financial providing from now on, as he’s done with doing 100% of it.

Yes, that will work!

I think regardless of what happened this weekend there are a fair few red flags here. He's coming across as selfish and arrogant. He's not helping you with the dc, not helping at home, not helping you when you ask for it, throwing a tantrum when he doesn't get sex, holding a job over your head to get his own way, happy to let your mum give up her time so he can have a shag.

Nope. There's no way I'd be working with him. What did he tell your mum? Sorry MIL but I'm taking you home, op wouldn't have a quickie in the office so your services are no longer needed?

I think I'd be looking at some training courses so you could go to work in an office. Tell him he'll be looking after dc for a day a week so you can do this. That way you'll become financially independent and won't have to put up with his bulkshit

You should be paid before any profits are declared as you have a personal tax free allowance of £12,500. You can be a shareholder as well.I would get paid just enough to use my tax free allowance, and I get my NI from child benefit until DC is 12. Nowhere near the going rate for the job and much less than I’d earn in a supermarket. DH would get paid the rest and the money would go into our joint account. If we got paid equally we’d end up paying more in tax.

That isn't accurate, you both need to be paid the same. Enough to pay NI but less that £12,500. You then each own 50% of the shares, the 1st £2000 of dividends per person is tax free and you pay on the rest. That is the most tax effective way to run the company.

Th money would not go into a joint account. The company needs a business account. The salaries and dividends would then be paid into personal accounts.

Child benefit makes no difference.

Some couples work well together and some don't. Work chemistry and relationship chemistry is different.

It's difficult to have work chemistry when someone is trying to snog you. In a workplace a boss expecting sexual favours along with the job is harassment.

He needs to separate work and relationship mode or this plan is defunct. Personally I'd rather get a checkout job.

He can't 'step up', because he's got a full time job.

What?

What is your employment history at the moment? Have you only ever worked retail?

In retail there is always the route to do back office work- have you looked at this before?

On the contrary - currently I can’t split up with him because he has a good salary and I would only have a supermarket salary. Whereas with a few years experience of being a PA I could leave him and get a decent job. Not that it was the plan, but it makes me more able to support myself.

I can see that, in which case do some training and get work elsewhere.

I'd read the riot act, say you'd like to give working with him one more shot but not if he behaves like the office sex pest. So he either pulls himself together or you work elsewhere.

I don’t want another shitty supermarket job. This is my chance to get an office job and have a husband who’s a business owner.

That 'shitty supermarket job' is more likely to secure you a different position going forward, than working for your DH (you won't be an equal in his business, whatever he promises). If you were to leave, he would then have a business you had helped him start up essentially for free, but you would likely be left with nothing. Anything outside of the home would be better, and honestly working for him won't help you get an office job externally any more than you could now.

While "shit" supermarket jobs might not be everyones ideal, I think its
a) a bit insulting to supermarket workers
but b) slightly short sighter in the current precarious job market, actually a supermarket job might be a safe bet, when so many others are precarious.
and if you get a paid job outside of the home this will mean enlisting outside help with childcare, or DH taking some role.
If you work for him unpaid, he will no doubt assume you can "fit it round" childcare.

CurlyReds have you been making your regular NI contributions while you have had no income?
It gets paid by Child Benefit while I’m a SAHM.

Do you have skills to do the office manager role? Do you understand Accounting, Payroll, HR?
I have a degree. The 4hrs on Sunday for six months are supposed to be for him to teach me the stuff I need to know. In return he gets an office manager without paying the going rate, enabling him to be self employed.

What did you do before you had children?
Checkout assistant because that’s the only job I could get despite being a graduate. But I want a proper professional office job and this is my only chance.

Do you understand that you can only draw a dividend if the business is profitable post-tax in the year? what's your plan for paying your bills in the short term?
We have an accountant and a year’s worth of DH’s salary saved up. If we both take £12.5k salary we can probably stretch that to two years.

@CurlyReds

I’m just fed up. DH has not done his fair share with DC. He’s worked ridiculous hours sometimes 6-7 days a week, sometimes overnight trips, and I had a nervous breakdown due to lack of sleep and support. I’ve had no income since DC was born and no independence. Now DC is going to nursery in September and I can finally do something constructive that progresses my career. Our only time to work on this is 4hrs on a Sunday while my mum babysits. I’ve spent all week tending to the needs of a child and being bored sick, I only have a limited 4hr window to work on something for my future that engages my brain, but DH thinks I should use that time to satisfy his needs. When do MY needs get satisfied? And DH has basically shown that if he doesn’t get his own way then he’ll remove this work opportunity from me.

Given this post, I really, really wouldn't tie yourself into his business.

Why is the supermarket checkout your only option? Could you look at office temping to get you some experience? I used to do that as a student, so no prior work history required. It's very basic and not well paid... but it would build your CV and let you apply for permanent admin roles in 6 months or so.

Would your Mum support a more ad-hoc babysitting arrangement until Sept so you could do this?

@CurlyReds

Why don’t you just get a job? I don’t want another shitty supermarket job. This is my chance to get an office job and have a husband who’s a business owner.

If he values you at all in a place of work, he would want you to be an equal surely?
Technically I’d be a company director. He’d do the client work and I’d be in charge of operations and admin. It’s a better opportunity than the supermarket job I’ll end up in otherwise. But not if he’s going to be unprofessional and nasty.

If you're capable of doing the admin and other office work, why don't you look for work in an office not a supermarket?

Divorce is a bit extreme but I absolutely understand why you don’t want to work for him. He doesn’t sound remotely capable of keeping any degree of separation between work and relationship, and that will inevitably end up putting you in a difficult position.

I also think that if you are considering divorce or have any concerns about the future of your relationship you would be mad to be totally financially dependent on him. If the future of the relationship is in jeopardy you would be miles better off having your own job which pays, even if it’s not an office job.

I would think very carefully about putting all of your eggs in one basket with this man. You say that you will have other, better opportunities in the future as a result of this if you choose to divorce but where will you get a reference? It is often very clear when applicants have only worked in the ‘family’ business and they are generally not taken seriously. Plus you dh does not see you as a director and will use this ‘opportunity’ as a stick to beat you with. I would consider re-training and working elsewhere.

Why is this your only option to get into an office job.
Did your DH market it as your only opportunity?

Gosh this is hard to comprehend.

You use big words, office manager, how it will lead to you getting a better role. Very few people will perceive doing your husbands admin as office manager, or a proper pa role. Unless he becomes very successful. There’s no other employees.

Honestly. Get yourself a proper job and help him out in your spare time. If he becomes successful enough then rethink.

Sounds to me like he just can’t be arsed with the admin side of going self employed. And putting uou as a company director is fairly normal tax evasion stuff for the self employed.

On the contrary - currently I can’t split up with him because he has a good salary and I would only have a supermarket salary. Whereas with a few years experience of being a PA I could leave him and get a decent job. Not that it was the plan, but it makes me more able to support myself.

That makes it sound like you don’t really love him, especially as you clearly have no interest in being closer to him when the opportunity arises, but you’re happy to use him for now to have access to his nice salary and business acumen so that you can have the lifestyle and job you want.

This is not your only chance ffs. Stop leaching and at least try and find your own job.

I also don’t think this is your only chance for an office job. Many office jobs don’t require a degree or prior experience. Our office manager came to us fresh from school with no work experience of any kind and worked his way up from junior admin assistant to office manager in about 3 years.

He can't 'step up', because he's got a full time job.

My DH and I both have full time jobs. I guess neither of us can 'step up' and look after our kids? Except that clearly we've managed.

That isn't accurate, you both need to be paid the same.
I have a student loan but DH doesn’t. So my income needs to be below the threshold for repayments. We don’t need to be paid the same, our accountant has confirmed we can pay DH more to avoid triggering my student loan.

While "shit" supermarket jobs might not be everyones ideal, I think its a bit insulting to supermarket workers
Maybe that’s their chosen job and appropriate to their qualifications. But I’m a graduate and I don’t want to be there. Maternity was a blessed escape, I don’t want to go back to work that doesn’t utilise my skills.

If you were to leave, he would then have a business you had helped him start up essentially for free, but you would likely be left with nothing.
I’d have 50% ownership of a business and some work experience that’s not retail.