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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be overreacting at husband for this???

225 replies

noraluv · 15/02/2021 06:06

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2... baby #1 on the way in a few months. Naturally feeling big and hormonal.

Just recently I found out that my husband on multiple occasions has been picking his female colleague (attractive) on the way to work. Maybe twice alone? And the other occasions with another male colleague.

I'm not bothered about him doing a kind gesture of picking up his colleagues. I've met them all and they seem like a good friendly bunch.

We're an open book when it comes to looking at each other's phone and there's nothing to indicate the female colleague have anything more than just a work friendship. If anything she's always asking about me and my pregnancy, Work related convos etc.

What bothers me is that my husband didn't have the decency to just say or ask if it would be okay to pick up a female colleague. There's no mention of her when he's up earlier than usual some days? Assuming to pick her up. I can't help but feel annoyed and jealous.

He's even offered to book taxis on the day he says he can't pick her up which I find strange. He has clearly prioritised this colleague of his when most days my husband can't even be bothered to drop me off so I can go supermarket.

Am I being hormonal and insane or is this weird to you?? Let me know

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 10:47

[quote Cadent]@dontdisturbmenow

You're jumping to conclusions though. Maybe OP has asked for lifts when he is in the middle of an activity or still in bed.

Why don’t you ASK OP instead of guessing all in the DH’s favour?[/quote]
Some of us have and she hasn't responded.

It's equally as presumptive (and far less plausible) to think he's paying for random taxis for this colleague

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 10:50

@Henio

This is how im looking at it... do you all think he'd go out of his way to book a taxi for his male colleague?
It depends entirely on the context. If, as many suspect, it's because he had let them down for a lift then yes he probably would.

If the OP came on and said this was a 60yo woman and she's paranoid about there'd be a resounding YABU. But the colleague has the temerity to be attractive therefore it's Definitely an affair 🙄🤣

Moonmelodies · 15/02/2021 10:55

Giving lifts is currently illegal, no?

Henio · 15/02/2021 10:56

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows well its just much more likely her husband is going to go out of his way to help an attractive woman isn't it? From what op has already said it sounds like he wants to impress this woman and is going out of his way to do so 🤷‍♀️

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 10:57

@Moonmelodies if they work together I think it's different (though I've lost the ability to follow the insane amount of rules so who knows)

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 10:57

[quote Henio]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows well its just much more likely her husband is going to go out of his way to help an attractive woman isn't it? From what op has already said it sounds like he wants to impress this woman and is going out of his way to do so 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Do you think he also fancies his male colleague?

Maybe he's just a helpful person? Not all men are always on the prowl for sex.

BillMasen · 15/02/2021 10:59

[quote Cadent]@dontdisturbmenow

You're jumping to conclusions though. Maybe OP has asked for lifts when he is in the middle of an activity or still in bed.

Why don’t you ASK OP instead of guessing all in the DH’s favour?[/quote]
Makes a change as normally everyone guesses/makes things up that make the man wrong

Op I get it’s hormones, but he doesn’t need permission to give lifts and that on its own is absolutely fine.

Taxis, yeah might be odd, might be people pleasing, only you know.

Don’t go through his phone though. That’s not really on.

Ohtheplacesyougo · 15/02/2021 11:03

Looking through partner’s phones is unacceptable. End of.

I don’t care if people have suspicions or not, you just don’t do it. I would never look at my husband’s and if he looked at mine I’d go ballistic.

You don’t need to tell your partner everything. ‘If nothing to hide it doesn’t matter’ is a crap argument - we all need our space.

I send msgs to friends my husband would hate (crass etc) and I don’t agree with some of his politics (Telegraphesque).

But his opinions and mine should not be controlled / censored.

If I was worried about an affair, I’d address it, not sneaking around looking for something to accuse him of.

LindaEllen · 15/02/2021 11:04

@Moonmelodies

Is car-sharing allowed at the moment?
If necessary for work, it's always been allowed. That really wasn't the point of the thread.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 11:07

Who's betting the OP and her DH have a joint Facebook account too? Wink

AlternativePerspective · 15/02/2021 11:09

What bothers me is that my husband didn't have the decency to just say or ask if it would be okay to pick up a female colleague. you lost me there.

Seriously he should ask if it’s ok for him to pick up a female colleague? I thinK that he probably didn’t say anything because if this is how controlling you are he doesn’t say anything because he can do without the agro.

I have never aksed my partner’s permission to do anything, and if he started having those expectations of me it would be game over.

As for the taxi thing, maybe he is happy to book her a taxi because in the current climate he thinks it would be best for her to not use public transport. Lots of companies are in fact doing this for staff, so why not individuals if they’re decent people?

Aaaaaah · 15/02/2021 11:09

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Who's betting the OP and her DH have a joint Facebook account too? Wink
Brutal 😂
AlternativePerspective · 15/02/2021 11:09

*asked

Dressinggowned · 15/02/2021 11:12

I think there are deeper issues than him giving a woman a lift, if you have an 'open phone' policy, and expect him to ask you permission to do stuff.

Timeforredwine · 15/02/2021 11:14

Yes to the above poster as I was going to mention more than 1 sim card plus watsapp is used as a disguise for cheating now with message deletion automatic now. Most people who are with a partner they already have children with always seem so blase about letting their man do what they like as if they never feel to question anything these are prob same women who also want to do what they want which is why they dont question their partners also a lot are happy girls them to fo ehatthry want as they live a comfy lifestyle and have their children so not bothered, just my view but I know lots of people in those sort of relationships and it's exactly how it is.

Timeforredwine · 15/02/2021 11:16
  • should say that as the husband affords them a comfy lifestyle they are interested. A lot of women like this it is going on under their nose.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 11:17

What an absolute crock @Timeforredwine

I really can't buy this MN mentality that all men who so much as glance in an attractive woman's way are cheating, or planning to cheat, or have six phones and a triple life. And I WAS cheated on by exH and I still am not that ridiculously paranoid

Timeforredwine · 15/02/2021 11:18

Personally I dont think you are unreasonable so many apparently so much cheating it isnt a wonder people are paranoid and what is all this my phone is my ultimate oersonalbelonging for noone to look at? It's like a guarded item, utterly ridiculous.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 11:20

Erm yes my phone IS my personal device and marrying someone doesn't relinquish your privacy. What an unbelievably unhealthy way to live

Timeforredwine · 15/02/2021 11:21

I've no idea where mine is half the time, instead of saying op has a problem all the people who can't let anyone else access their phone I think have a problem, these days it's just an excuse that you have bank stuff on their sonos one can get into it etc, I find it laughable at times. Anyway op hope you all good as notheard back. Dw if you have feelings they should not be dismissed. I think people think to let everything go is the in thing at the minute.

Dressinggowned · 15/02/2021 11:22

@Timeforredwine

Personally I dont think you are unreasonable so many apparently so much cheating it isnt a wonder people are paranoid and what is all this my phone is my ultimate oersonalbelonging for noone to look at? It's like a guarded item, utterly ridiculous.
I don't have anything to hide on my phone, but I would feel like it was very intrusive if DH insisted on seeing it because of an 'open phone' policy. We sometimes use each others if they are closer, or play games on them, but I find that very untrusting, intrusive and unhealthy to do so for other reasons. Plus, surely someone could just delete stuff straightaway so it doesn't even really prove anything!
unbotheredbutbewildered · 15/02/2021 11:24

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Who's betting the OP and her DH have a joint Facebook account too? Wink
Would you be bothered if he was giving am old man with a massive beer belly, a receding hair line who smelt like feet a lift? No.

Stop letting pregnancy hormones cloud your judgement and making you mental. You've already said all they walk about is work and your pregnancy. Being this possessive usually only ends one way; in tears.

Trust your husband.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 11:24

@Timeforredwine what do you need to look at other people's phones for?

Like a PP I had nothing to hide when I was married but I had personal messages to friends, work information etc and I would have been furious if my H thought had the god given right to go through because some other people cheat.

Henio · 15/02/2021 11:25

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows im just suggesting what i think is mostly likely, as are you which is fine, we both have our own opinions
until we hear back from op with more details its hard to say really, he may fancy his male colleague, he may also fancy a 60 year old female colleague, 60 year olds are capable of having affairs too 😆

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 11:27

@Henio well I think it's fair for me to ask you if you think his sole motivation for giving a lift to a female colleague is because he fancies her or wants sex, what's the motivation for giving a lift to his male colleague?

It must be shit to be an "attractive woman" (I haven't been one for quite some time 😂) always being accused of trying to Nick other people's husbands. As far as we know the OP's husband could look like a jacket potato that someone stepped on and she needn't flatter herself that he's sought after by an attractive woman

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