To be overreacting at husband for this???

[noraluv]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2... baby #1 on the way in a few months. Naturally feeling big and hormonal.

Just recently I found out that my husband on multiple occasions has been picking his female colleague (attractive) on the way to work. Maybe twice alone? And the other occasions with another male colleague.

I'm not bothered about him doing a kind gesture of picking up his colleagues. I've met them all and they seem like a good friendly bunch.

We're an open book when it comes to looking at each other's phone and there's nothing to indicate the female colleague have anything more than just a work friendship. If anything she's always asking about me and my pregnancy, Work related convos etc.

What bothers me is that my husband didn't have the decency to just say or ask if it would be okay to pick up a female colleague. There's no mention of her when he's up earlier than usual some days? Assuming to pick her up. I can't help but feel annoyed and jealous.

He's even offered to book taxis on the day he says he can't pick her up which I find strange. He has clearly prioritised this colleague of his when most days my husband can't even be bothered to drop me off so I can go supermarket.

Am I being hormonal and insane or is this weird to you?? Let me know

The problem is on MN if a guy went to the shop for a pint of milk on his own he will be guilty of shagging someone on route

It's pathetic isn't it. Now apparently her asking about the pregnancy, like a normal polite colleague would, is a red flag 😂😂

I don't understand why he would consult you about a work arrangement? Never would occur to me to ask if it's ok because it's fine! Ive have had lots of opposite sex colleagues in close friends with but just that friends - even go for drinks, gigs, the cinema - men and women can be friends. I might mention in passing that I'm doing x with x but it's not always because there's no problem.

Oh taxi is weird but I assume he promised a lift then couldn't

The taxi part is strange and a bit suspicious. I would say it sounds like he has a soft spot for her, thats a bit overly attentive towards a colleague for my liking. Maybe he was just being nice.

I would only be weirded out by the taxi part. The giving a lift is fine and I wouldn’t expect him to ask me.

My ex was a people-pleaser. That’s the kind of thing he would have done (and more). It’s difficult to be in a relationship with someone who goes out of their way to please others but rather takes you for granted.

It sounds fine though OP apart from the booking taxis bit. He’s not responsible for other people’s travel arrangements but clearly he enjoys doing people favours...probably makes him feel good about himself. My ex was a completely different person at work to how he was at home.

If they were exchanging flirty messages it would be different though but it sounds pretty above board (apart from booking taxis which is just odd).

I wouldn’t expect him to have to ask you if it’s ok but I would hope he would mention this to you. Car sharing is an additional COVID risk to a pregnant woman who should be trying to minimise risk where possible.

The taxis is crossing a line though IMO. There’s no need for him to do this and if anything I’d see it as an over-step and totally unnecessary.

I would not be happy. I don't think its sweet of the colleague to be asking about your pregnancy. I would find that overstepping the boundaries and unprofessional.

I think you're going to get a nasty shock when you find out what he thinks is acceptable behaviour as a father and husband unfortunately OP.

I think it's fine. Sorry you're being unreasonable.

Do you expect him to inform you when he's giving a male colleague a lift too? I do think you're overreacting a bit. ESP when you've seen all the messages

I was talking from experience re the asking about the pregnant wife. More often them not it’ll just be someone being polite snd nice. I’m my case it was someone trying to goad out negative comments about me when my H was daft enough to say I was grumpy one time. It then turned into ‘is your wife still grumpy?’ and attempts to get him to offload negative feelings about me. So weird.

He didn’t, as it goes. Maybe sometimes pregnant women are seen by other women as being non-threatening because of being pregnant?

Anyway, not that saying that’s what’s happening here, it’s just a few lifts (though his eagerness to please/impress is odd).

@AubergineIsMyFavourite

My ex was a people-pleaser. That’s the kind of thing he would have done (and more). It’s difficult to be in a relationship with someone who goes out of their way to please others but rather takes you for granted.

It sounds fine though OP apart from the booking taxis bit. He’s not responsible for other people’s travel arrangements but clearly he enjoys doing people favours...probably makes him feel good about himself. My ex was a completely different person at work to how he was at home.

If they were exchanging flirty messages it would be different though but it sounds pretty above board (apart from booking taxis which is just odd).

I thought this too, but I think you do need some clear communication about him stepping up and supporting you more eg supermarket thing.

I would not ask my husband if it was ok to pick up a colleague for a lift to work. It is something I would be likely to mention in passing though. I would not book my colleagues taxi to work, that is just very weird.

So how did you find out about the taxi, OP?

Sounds fine to me-if it doesn't impact you.

Obviously though it's not right that he can get up early to factor in collecting her, but not to drop you off at the supermarket.

The taxi thing is weird!

Apart from that, I would find it surprising that he's never mentioned this at all. Not to ask permission, but just in passing.

I used to be part of a lift share and I really don't think it would have crossed my mind to tell my partner when it was a day just me and the bloke. I certainly wouldn't have asked his permission!!!

The taxi bit is weird but maybe that's just the type of person he is?

I think it's obvious that he hasn't told you because he knows you'll overreact in precisely the way that you just have.

I recall working with someone with a wife like you, poor bugger, we all felt quite sorry for him. Leave him alone.

Would it bother you if she wasn’t ‘attractive’? It seems this is the crux of the matter. Men can still have affairs with none attractive women you know. I used to pick up a male colleague on the way to work, and would never have thought it an issue tbh. Can’t remember if I had told my DH, although I might have mentioned in passing, but would never have thought it necessary to run it by him first.

He’s picked her up just twice alone?

Why does he need your permission to give a colleague a lift?

Do you also require his permission to do anything?

I often arrange taxis for colleagues, well I did before WFH, they can only be considered a business expense by our company if a budget holder organises them, so if I book them work pays a proportion of the cost, if a non-budget holder organises them work doesn’t pay towards the taxi.

I would not be happy. I don't think its sweet of the colleague to be asking about your pregnancy. I would find that overstepping the boundaries and unprofessional.

It's unprofessional to ask about a colleague about their impending baby some people have WEIRD standards.

I assume you're all thinking of this woman as a man stealing sexy siren. Maybe she's a 55 year old grandma? Would it then be ok to ask a colleague how his pregnant wife is doing? Do attractive women have to keep their distance with men less their wife gets the wrong impression?

You sound extremely controlling. He does not need your permission to pick up his work colleagues.

I'm not sure why he'd have to ask you if he can pick her up? Are you usually so controlling.