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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be overreacting at husband for this???

225 replies

noraluv · 15/02/2021 06:06

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2... baby #1 on the way in a few months. Naturally feeling big and hormonal.

Just recently I found out that my husband on multiple occasions has been picking his female colleague (attractive) on the way to work. Maybe twice alone? And the other occasions with another male colleague.

I'm not bothered about him doing a kind gesture of picking up his colleagues. I've met them all and they seem like a good friendly bunch.

We're an open book when it comes to looking at each other's phone and there's nothing to indicate the female colleague have anything more than just a work friendship. If anything she's always asking about me and my pregnancy, Work related convos etc.

What bothers me is that my husband didn't have the decency to just say or ask if it would be okay to pick up a female colleague. There's no mention of her when he's up earlier than usual some days? Assuming to pick her up. I can't help but feel annoyed and jealous.

He's even offered to book taxis on the day he says he can't pick her up which I find strange. He has clearly prioritised this colleague of his when most days my husband can't even be bothered to drop me off so I can go supermarket.

Am I being hormonal and insane or is this weird to you?? Let me know

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 15/02/2021 08:50

Maybe the 'ask' bit is because we are in a pandemic ? The car is, presumably a space shared with OP?

I think the mentioning/ not mentioning has to be taken in context. Would he normally mention it? If so, and he kept it secret, then yes, tis suspicious.

justanotherneighinparadise · 15/02/2021 08:51

Always listen to your gut instinct. If you think there’s more going on you’re probably right. Even if there’s nothing physical between them yet, the booking a taxi sounds like he has feelings, even more so if he’s funding this!!

SendMeHome · 15/02/2021 08:56

@Aaaaaah Fake Taxi is a porn thing.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/02/2021 08:58

I used to pick up a male colleague on the way to work, and would never have thought it an issue tbh. Can’t remember if I had told my DH, although I might have mentioned in passing, but would never have thought it necessary to run it by him first.

Yes but that is completely different. A man requiring a woman to ask permission before being in the company of another man would be controlling and abusive.

This is about a woman wanting her husband to ask permission, which is fine.

Have you checked his messages yet, OP?

Standrewsschool · 15/02/2021 08:59

I find it a bit weird that dh did’t mention in passing that he would be leaving a few minutes early to pick up x (and y) to take them to work.

Booking a taxi is definantly weird.

Lift shares tend to be everyday. Are you sure it’s only happened a few times? What happened before dh gave x and y a lift? Maybe explains why he can’t drop you off at supermarket.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 08:59

@longwayoff

I recall working with someone with a wife like you, poor bugger, we all felt quite sorry for him. Leave him alone.
I've had this too with a colleague. His wife used to go mad when she called him at work (no his work phone) and a woman answered. As if we were all wafting round her husbands (who was lovely but deeply unattractive I really don't know why she worried) desk saying "we'll answer that" rather than using the "pick up" function on our own phones because he was making a cup of tea
Ricebubbles2 · 15/02/2021 09:00

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Why is the taxi bit weird? I'm presuming work pay for the taxi and when you say 'he arranged' maybe he simply asked someone else to book it for her. Stop looking for monsters where they don't exist. He's being a decent human and helping someone get to work. I hope one day when you need help someone will be kind enough to give it to you too without your husband automatically thinking the worst.
👍 Some men excel at being helpful and thoughtful I makes for a change in this selfless world. I bet he adores you and speaks of you highly. It is a work relationship, many women on mn see it as a threat I see it as life and a fact of life women and men can work side by side without sexual attraction etc
Jasperjosephjulian · 15/02/2021 09:01

@MerryDecembermas

I would not be happy. I don't think its sweet of the colleague to be asking about your pregnancy. I would find that overstepping the boundaries and unprofessional.

I think you're going to get a nasty shock when you find out what he thinks is acceptable behaviour as a father and husband unfortunately OP.

You think asking a colleague how their wife is and how the pregnancy is going is unprofessional and over stepping boundaries? You must be fun to work with. Do you have any conversations at work that aren't work related? It's basic politeness! If she was asking about his wifes discharge levels or whether her boobs had swollen, then yes Id see where you were coming from, but general inquiries into health and wellbeing I think is pretty fair game on a colleague conversation level.

OP - the taxi booking needs more explaining. Do you mean he offered to book a taxi for her when for some reason he couldn't offer a lift as previously arranged (and thus had left her without transport)? Yes she could do it herself but I can see why it would be polite for him to offer. Or do you mean he is paying for taxis for her to get to and from work? In which case I'd definitely have something to say about it. Not that he's cheating, maybe he's sympathetic to her situation (whatever it might be) and trying to help her out. But I wouldn't want him spending cash elsewhere that was unnecessary.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 09:01

@justanotherneighinparadise

Always listen to your gut instinct. If you think there’s more going on you’re probably right. Even if there’s nothing physical between them yet, the booking a taxi sounds like he has feelings, even more so if he’s funding this!!
Comments like this are SO unhelpful. Especially to a pregnant and clearly paranoid woman.

Giving a colleague who happens to have a vagina is no more alarming than giving one a lift who has a penis.

Let's not stake the flames by banging on about "gut instinct"

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 09:03

*stoke

Inpersuitofhappiness · 15/02/2021 09:04

OK so YABU to be indignant he didn't ask your permission to give someone a lift, unless you mean in the terms of him putting himself at risk by having someone closer than recommended, then passing on that risk to you whilst pregnant during the pandemic
If your feelings about that aren't cpvid precaution related, I really think you need to work on that.

But other than that, he's U offering to pay for colleagues taxis and U for not dropping you at the supermarket if you need it, especially when he's bloody taking a colleague to work.

Stop feeding him if he refuses you help you buy food!

donquixotedelamancha · 15/02/2021 09:04

Always listen to your gut instinct. If you think there’s more going on you’re probably right.

Yep, that never goes wrong. Listen to those instincts of jealousy, anger and insecurity OP. Watch your husband, interrogate him about where he's been, punish him. Your instincts are all that matters.

Thank God you have strangers on the internet to advise you or you might have spoken to your DH about your worries.

Iwonder08 · 15/02/2021 09:05

Is she disabled in some way? I would ask him why does he think his colleague can't book a taxi by herself

Benjispruce2 · 15/02/2021 09:07

Weird that he didn’t mention it.

dontdisturbmenow · 15/02/2021 09:07

You are in the road to serious marriage trouble if think that it is ok to check your OH's phone for messages (in my household, open to each others phone using it for a call, checking something in the internet if our own phone is not on hand, certain not checking messages), and firmly believe that he should ask you if he can pick up a colleague who happens to be female and attractive.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/02/2021 09:09

I see it as life and a fact of life women and men can work side by side without sexual attraction

Reported for deletion as this is not in the spirit of the site.

AntiHop · 15/02/2021 09:10

@Thatsnicehavefun

I wouldn't mind him giving a female colleague a lift. I would mind him hiding it, booking her taxis for the days he can't take her and not giving you a lift to the supermarket.
Exactly this.
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 15/02/2021 09:12

How did you find out about the lifts and the offer of getting her a taxi? Have you actually asked him why he organised it rather than her do it herself?

I would mention to DH if I was organising to pick people up just as a point in general conversation but I wouldn't ask if it was okay (I'm going to assume your covid restrictions allow for this) because it doesn't impact on anything I'd be doing with DH.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 09:13

@donquixotedelamancha

I see it as life and a fact of life women and men can work side by side without sexual attraction

Reported for deletion as this is not in the spirit of the site.

😂😂😂 indeed there should only be declarations of infidelity in threads like this
brownet · 15/02/2021 09:13

I wouldn't expect DH to tell me in particular just the same if I got/gave a lift.

The taxi thing is weird though, is it unfriendly hours?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 15/02/2021 09:13

I would be more annoyed and having a conversation about him not giving you a lift/offering to pick up the shopping.

SandyY2K · 15/02/2021 09:24

All fine except the taxi.

Why would he book her taxi? It's like he feels some responsibility for her.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/02/2021 09:25

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Why is the taxi bit weird? I'm presuming work pay for the taxi and when you say 'he arranged' maybe he simply asked someone else to book it for her. Stop looking for monsters where they don't exist. He's being a decent human and helping someone get to work. I hope one day when you need help someone will be kind enough to give it to you too without your husband automatically thinking the worst.
^This is my thought too. In addition I agree with pp that it’s odd and controlling to demand he ask your permission to give a coworker a lift to or from work on occasion just because they are female.
Coffeepot72 · 15/02/2021 09:30

I can't understand the taxi bit though?

Five67Eight · 15/02/2021 09:35

We're an open book when it comes to looking at each other's phone

Really? So he goes through your phone just as much as you go through his?

Why do you need to go through his phone? Why does he need to go through yours? So nosey.

If you have such an ‘open book policy’, then surely he knew you’d see the messages, and isn’t bothered. Ergo, he has nothing to hide.

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