Gift disappointment

[OnceUponAThread]

AIBU to be annoyed by my Valentine's Day gift. For context I got him his favourite posh chocs and also a coat that he's always wanted but thought was too expensive to treat himself to. He was thrilled.

He got me... sexy underwear. I'd be underwhelmed at the best of times because I think that's a gift for the guy not the girl really. And I'm sure I've told him that I'm not keen on undies as a present before.

But also. We recently found out that I'm pregnant, and so tbh it's the last thing I want. I appreciate that he bought before we knew but couldn't he have returned it and got something else when we found out? Or maybe saved in for a later (disappointing) year.

He really built it up as well saying he'd put loads of thought in and I'd love it and he couldn't wait for me to open. Frankly it feels totally thoughtless and I'd rather have had nothing at all.

He keeps suggesting I try it on and it's just leaving me totally cold. AIBU?

That's a bit crap. Next year cut the expectations and just don't bother! Far less hassle.

Yanbu. How long has he known you are pregnant? He should have got you something else

Yanbu. Urgh, totally crap and a present for him.

Tell him. You can be honest.

“No, I don’t want to try it on. I’ll be honest, I think it’s not really a present for me and the thought of putting it on as yet another treat for you leaves me a bit cold.”

YABU.

In my book Valentine's gifts are not required but if given are in the flowers/booze/chocolate/cheese/ something to enjoy together space. So sexy underwear fine and a coat totally over the top. But you sound like you have different expectations - have you ever talked to him about it?

Agree it’s a present for him, not you. If he was buying underwear for you he’d have bought you a pair of comfy maternity Bridget jones’s from M&S.

My dh (then dp) did this years ago for my birthday. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn’t appreciate it - how would he feel if I’d bought him say, a dress-up sexy fireman’s outfit for his bday? It’s basically like saying “for your birthday/valentines/whatever I would like you to dress up in this bit of lace with a thong that’s like dental floss up your bum and parade around to get me off”.

He didn’t do it again!

@Thehop

Tell him. You can be honest.

“No, I don’t want to try it on. I’ll be honest, I think it’s not really a present for me and the thought of putting it on as yet another treat for you leaves me a bit cold.”

Might try and do a toned down version of this. I don't want a massive row but I'm certainly not going to put it on for him.

@BeautifulStar

Agree it’s a present for him, not you. If he was buying underwear for you he’d have bought you a pair of comfy maternity Bridget jones’s from M&S.

My dh (then dp) did this years ago for my birthday. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn’t appreciate it - how would he feel if I’d bought him say, a dress-up sexy fireman’s outfit for his bday? It’s basically like saying “for your birthday/valentines/whatever I would like you to dress up in this bit of lace with a thong that’s like dental floss up your bum and parade around to get me off”.

He didn’t do it again!

This this this!

Would have LOVED some cosy massive M&S pants. That would actually have felt loving and in line with my wants / needs.

When I opened the box and saw famous lingerie shop printed on the outside I actually said: are you sure this isn't a gift for you, not me. And he looked gutted / heartbroken and said "oh no, don't say that".

It is a present for him. Literally, I bought myself sexy underwear as a present for my husband (and a steak I plan to cook him wearing only the underwear...) . He got me chocolate and roses.
Id tell him direct that it seems like a present for him and you don't find it sexy/ feel loved.

@Palavah

YABU.

In my book Valentine's gifts are not required but if given are in the flowers/booze/chocolate/cheese/ something to enjoy together space. So sexy underwear fine and a coat totally over the top. But you sound like you have different expectations - have you ever talked to him about it?

Coat much more in line with what we usually do here and his expectations as well. He loved it. And is similar to things he has got me in the past for V Day.

Your traditions / views may be different, but they don't apply here.

We have been together for six years now and so know how much the other is likely to spend etc and I thought we had a good understanding of what the other person might like.

It's the thoughtlessness of the underwear that pisses me off and the fact that it's for him NOT me. Last thing I want while up the duff (and seriously bloated) is to truss myself up in uncomfortable, lacy nonsense.

It's not a cost thing, in fact the underwear is a bloody expensive waste of money. I'd have been happy with something that cost £10 but showed some understanding of what I want / like.

I think you maybe both just weren’t very well calibrated on what an appropriate type of gift is for the occasion. So you’ve got something expensive, but possibly OTT, and he’s just got a small fun thing.

I do agree though that sexy underwear is a naff gift as it’s more to be enjoyed by the giver. Maybe he just thought it’d be something you can enjoy together.

Sorry cross-posted with your last update. If you have been together for a while and normally get the same type/cost of gift then he’s BU to get something so thoughtless.

Return the coat and get yourself a present you actually want

What a plonker...

"Posh chocs"

🤢

Buy a present for yourself next year. That's what he did

Maybe he thought what with being pregnant and feeling bloated, lacey underwear would make you feel sexy and attractive, in a good way?
Sounds from his gutted reaction to your comment that he really did want to please you, and he did put thought in... it’s just he got it wrong. It happens sometimes to the best of partners.

Bless him, it’s not easy to buy gifts in lockdown...

(we are token valentines people too (card and flowers/chocs).)

I may be incorrect here, but I wonder if some men buy lingerie as a complement to their partner rather than seeing it as a gift to themselves? Hence why he might feel crestfallen that the gift wasn’t a big success.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I guess your options are having a delicate conversation about suitable underwear for pregnancy (maybe exchange said lingerie for something comfortable, maybe a cute unwired/nursing bra). Or squirrel it away for the days when you’re past the comfy pants and breast pads stage, and want to feel sexy?

Assuming that the undies are Agent Provacateur or whatever posh pricy shop I’d definitely be asking him to return them (and thus not wearing them!). There’s so many other things he could buy you that were comfy and made you feel sexy.

Even if you keep it until after you’ve had the baby there’s no guarantees it’ll be the right size for you.

It’s a difficult conversation to have but unless he genuinely has some (batshit) thought process - eg you told him you were feeling unsexy/mumsie and this was a stupid yet well meaning attempt to ‘help’ this is so far off the mark it needs chatting about.

Nothing worse then receiving sexy underwear as a gift! It’s totally a gift for him and not for you. I think a lot of men are under the deluded impression that most women love sexy underwear as a gift, I have told DH in no uncertain terms that if he’s going to buy me underwear I’d rather it was cotton granny knickers than anything sexy! If he must buy me sexy underwear it counts as one of his presents not mine!!

On the other hand an expensive cost is way over the top. Chocolates is plenty enough for Valentine’s Day. We didn’t even bother with cards this year! And brought each other the same box of chocolates who said romance is dead! 18 years together and counting. might even let him see my granny knickers later as a treat 😂.

@AbsitivelyPosolutely

"Posh chocs"

🤢

Do you have a problem? No other comment. Just wanted to mock someone, eh?

I didn’t get anything. Which isn’t really inline with our ‘traditions’ (I got him something) but I can’t seem to muster the energy to care. Not sure why.

I have to disagree, II like when my dh chooses lingerie for me and see it as a gift to both of us. He's maybe trying to make you feel good about yourself?

@Newnameagain111

Maybe he thought what with being pregnant and feeling bloated, lacey underwear would make you feel sexy and attractive, in a good way? Sounds from his gutted reaction to your comment that he really did want to please you, and he did put thought in... it’s just he got it wrong. It happens sometimes to the best of partners.

I think this is what he was going for but definitely missed the mark.

Can you return it and buy yourself a nice maternity outfit that you will enjoy wearing? Or whatever is thoughtful for you.
My DH bought me a lovely maternity top my first valentine’s - after years of infertility and ivf it was what I had wanted more than anything so was a thoughtful gift for me,

I think you should gently say that you're not in the mood for dressing up for sex and you probably won't be for a long time, if you're even the same size after baby is born, so not to buy anything like that until you tell him it's welcome. However in normal circumstances I don't think being offended by a gift of underwear is proportionate.