Gift disappointment

[OnceUponAThread]

AIBU to be annoyed by my Valentine's Day gift. For context I got him his favourite posh chocs and also a coat that he's always wanted but thought was too expensive to treat himself to. He was thrilled.

He got me... sexy underwear. I'd be underwhelmed at the best of times because I think that's a gift for the guy not the girl really. And I'm sure I've told him that I'm not keen on undies as a present before.

But also. We recently found out that I'm pregnant, and so tbh it's the last thing I want. I appreciate that he bought before we knew but couldn't he have returned it and got something else when we found out? Or maybe saved in for a later (disappointing) year.

He really built it up as well saying he'd put loads of thought in and I'd love it and he couldn't wait for me to open. Frankly it feels totally thoughtless and I'd rather have had nothing at all.

He keeps suggesting I try it on and it's just leaving me totally cold. AIBU?

@MechantGourmet

A nice intimate evening makes you feel special and loved, not someone else's idea of "sexy". Lingerie is lovely if you buy it yourself, from your partner it's a cliche, and a lazy thoughtless cop out

Does he even realise that you are unlikely to be the same dimensions after pregnancy- yes, I lost the weight no problem, but my body is a completely different shape, and none of my underwear from pre-children remotely fits tops or bottoms.

Maybe some of your annoyance is down to hormones, or maybe he has form for being selfish, we don't know. But if this is how he normally behaves I really don't advise becoming a parent with him.

Well it's a bit late for that isn't it

@TheyIsMyFamily

The whole point is he didn't put a lot of thought into buying her something she would like for herself. He bought her something he imagined he'd like to see her in. And then called her ungrateful and pointed out how much it cost when she had to admit she wasn't happy with it.

Having just tried to squeeze into the undies, I think he'd be as disappointed as me if he saw me crammed into pants that are way too small.

[quote OnceUponAThread]@saraclara how did I tell him that twice? That's not what happened at all.

We exchanged presents. I opened mine. Smiled, said thank you. Etc. He said will you try it on for me later. I dodged because I don't feel comfortable.

Then I came on here and asked whether IWBU to be a bit disappointed.

THEN. He came to me and said: thanks so much for the coat. I really love it. Shall we go for a walk later so I can wear it.

Me: yes, great idea. Let's do that.

Him: why you don't you go and put your underwear on. Me: I don't really feel like it at the moment. Him: do you like it. Me. Yes thank you.

Him, why don't you want to try it on? Are you not happy with it? Me: actually I'm a bit disappointed because it feels like it's more for you than me. And I'm not sure it's ideal with me being pregnant.

Him: you're ungrateful. Mop-gate. Etc.

He asked repeatedly if I liked it before I said anything at all. And I only said it once and very gently.[/quote]
You said that you told him that as soon as you saw the name on the box. And then later when he wanted you to try it on.

So if he does most of the housework then surely a mop would also be a present "for him".

@honeylulu

So if he does most of the housework then surely a mop would also be a present "for him".

Yes I did think that. Might take the coat back and get him a fancy mop

@OnceUponAThread, on page one, you said
When I opened the box and saw famous lingerie shop printed on the outside I actually said: are you sure this isn't a gift for you, not me. And he looked gutted / heartbroken and said "oh no, don't say that".

And then later you said:

Him: why you don't you go and put your underwear on. Me: I don't really feel like it at the moment. Him: do you like it. Me. Yes thank you.

Him, why don't you want to try it on? Are you not happy with it? Me: actually I'm a bit disappointed because it feels like it's more for you than me. And I'm not sure it's ideal with me being pregnant.

That makes twice

@Benjispruce2 You're really charming

Lingerie as a gift is just horrible full stop. It’s too loaded with expectation. Especially not great if you’re first trimester and feeling generally crap. Cards/choc/flowers is easier all round.

@saraclara yes I jokingly said "are you sure this isn't for you". He looked upset. At that point I was deffo worried about what would be inside but I opened and said thank you etc.

He then pushed on whether I liked and after dodging the question / avoiding putting it on several times I admitted I am not thrilled with it.

I feel like I should be able to be honest about that or he should have stopped pushing tbh.

Also. You say there's no evidence that he didn't get it for him not me. But if that's the case why does he keep bloody asking me to put it on.

He even said "we can go upstairs and you can put it on for me". So there is clearly an element of it being for him.

Mylittlepony374

It is a present for him. Literally, I bought myself sexy underwear as a present for my husband (and a steak I plan to cook him wearing only the underwear...) . He got me chocolate and roses.
Id tell him direct that it seems like a present for him and you don't find it sexy/

Ehhh that’s to much information tbh 😆😆😆

My (abusive) ex rarely bought anything in the 30 years we were together, and I'm still am on the side of the OP here. Underwear is such a thoughtless gift at the best of times.

He said will you try it on for me later. I dodged because I don't feel comfortable

So he's actually said it then? That it was 'for him'.

So he's pissed off that your not grateful for a present he bought himself. And then mop-gate.

I'm angry with him, OP, so you must be bloody fuming. I do love that you've called it mop-gate, though.

*you're not grateful.

Hope the 'grammer' police aren't looking...

@Eckhart

He said will you try it on for me later. I dodged because I don't feel comfortable

So he's actually said it then? That it was 'for him'.

So he's pissed off that your not grateful for a present he bought himself. And then mop-gate.

I'm angry with him, OP, so you must be bloody fuming. I do love that you've called it mop-gate, though.

He seems to be confused on this point. OTOH it's not for him at all. But on the other he suggested I try it on for him later nudge nudge wink wink (before he knew I didn't like).

I was disappointed by the underwear - but I actually agree with some other posters that he was trying, he just didn't think. So stupid but not malicious.

Mop-gate and the sulking for the rest of the day is making me really cross.

If it has even been some nice nightwear, fine, but I don't really follow his logic in not returning the underwear. Or at least saying I bought you this a while back, can't return, hopefully it'll fit later, here have an insert box of chocs/slippers/posh hot chocolate/something as well.

I'm 2 years post partum and a totally different shape now (actually smaller bum, bugger tummy, with much smaller boobs due to breastfeeding). I totally understand why you feel touchy about this!

Bigger tummy!

Did you show him that it didn't fit? He might have got the point that it's just not the right time for that kind of gift...

My husband got me fancy underwear for my 40th. I was crushed and so gutted. I actually cried. I had received birthday money from my parents and spent it all on us having a weekend away and this was the best he could do. I know it makes me sound bratty but I felt so unappreciated

@RedcurrantPuff

My husband got me fancy underwear for my 40th. I was crushed and so gutted. I actually cried. I had received birthday money from my parents and spent it all on us having a weekend away and this was the best he could do. I know it makes me sound bratty but I felt so unappreciated

I'm sorry he made you feel like that. I really don't get how so self absorbed and tone deaf men can be!

He even said "we can go upstairs and you can put it on for me"

So it was a gift for him then wasn’t it. I can see lots of people are trying to give him the benefit of doubt but that statement is crystal clear.

No it wasn’t necessarily malicious but it wasn’t thoughtful either.

I would've tried to return/exchange it, tbh. If it's expensive, I would be annoyed every time I saw or thought about it sitting in a drawer, unused and unwanted. He really should have suggested that himself, rather that being angry that you weren't thrilled.

The mop comment is much worse than the poor gift choice, though that was bed enough, when you've already told him you don't like lingerie as a gift. What was he thinking, going on (before you opened it) about how much thought he'd put into it, etc.?!

Asking for it to be put on 'for him' would give me the rage. How bloody selfish.

You sound like a spoilt child, you do not give just to receive back, Yabu.

@RedcurrantPuff

My husband got me fancy underwear for my 40th. I was crushed and so gutted. I actually cried. I had received birthday money from my parents and spent it all on us having a weekend away and this was the best he could do. I know it makes me sound bratty but I felt so unappreciated

I understand that that must have been upsetting but for the purposes of some perspective here, we are talking about Valentine's Day, supposedly a celebration of romance, not a milestone birthday. Attaching the same significance to them both is part of the problem that leads to threads on MN posted by women who seem to want meticulously thought out, highly personal, often costly gifts for valentine's.