Gift disappointment

[OnceUponAThread]

AIBU to be annoyed by my Valentine's Day gift. For context I got him his favourite posh chocs and also a coat that he's always wanted but thought was too expensive to treat himself to. He was thrilled.

He got me... sexy underwear. I'd be underwhelmed at the best of times because I think that's a gift for the guy not the girl really. And I'm sure I've told him that I'm not keen on undies as a present before.

But also. We recently found out that I'm pregnant, and so tbh it's the last thing I want. I appreciate that he bought before we knew but couldn't he have returned it and got something else when we found out? Or maybe saved in for a later (disappointing) year.

He really built it up as well saying he'd put loads of thought in and I'd love it and he couldn't wait for me to open. Frankly it feels totally thoughtless and I'd rather have had nothing at all.

He keeps suggesting I try it on and it's just leaving me totally cold. AIBU?

He just asked (again) if I liked my gift and I said it's nice but feels more like a present for you than for me and it's not really ideal at the mo with me being pregnant.

He's gone off on one and said it was really expensive, and I'm ungrateful, and he was just trying to make me feel sexy and loved.

Then he said he will return it and get me a mop instead.

So now I'm really disappointed.

DH once bought me sexy/revealing underwear.

I told him I'm not a stripper or a blow up sex doll, and told him to send it back. And I informed him that sexy underwear is a present for THE MAN, not for the woman.

He never did it again.

@CodenameVillanelle

I think you should gently say that you're not in the mood for dressing up for sex and you probably won't be for a long time, if you're even the same size after baby is born, so not to buy anything like that until you tell him it's welcome. However in normal circumstances I don't think being offended by a gift of underwear is proportionate.

Don't think I'd be annoyed in normal times. Just a bit underwhelmed. Not really my thing. Thought he knew that. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well sure, he should have known. But you also need to set his expectations. You probably won't want to have as much/the same kind of sex as you might be used to now you're pregnant, and afterwards you may not feel the same about your body for a while. He needs to get his head round this ASAP!
For example during the first trimester I couldn't give oral or do missionary due to gag reflex and extremely sensitive tummy that couldn't bear to be touched. Then the belly gets in the way and you become really limited on positions and tired and farty and the rest...and my fanny changed smell somehow so I wasn't comfortable with receiving oral either...fun times!!

Wow the mop comment is really uncalled for. I would be very angry. What did you say in response?

My bf always used to buy me new underwear sets then pester me to wear them and I never do so now he's got the hint :) I don't know how people have the confidence to wear them, I feel like a beef olive with all the string and feel like they're so unflattering. I used to hate the fact he always wanted me to wear this kind of thing

Was going to say maybe he was trying (in a misguided way) to let you know he still finds you sexy (I know I really struggled thinking my partner saw me differently when I was pregnant and needed lots of reassurance whereas I don't normally).

But he has asked you if he liked your gift, you've been honest, and now he is pissed off at you for being honest. Did he want his pregnant wife, to lie and put on something she feels uncomfortable with, to spare his hurt feelings? Maybe his lovely new coat that he wanted will help cheer him up from this devastation of a spouse answering a direct question in a straightforward way.

Can you even return underwear though?

A nice intimate evening makes you feel special and loved, not someone else's idea of "sexy". Lingerie is lovely if you buy it yourself, from your partner it's a cliche, and a lazy thoughtless cop out

Does he even realise that you are unlikely to be the same dimensions after pregnancy- yes, I lost the weight no problem, but my body is a completely different shape, and none of my underwear from pre-children remotely fits tops or bottoms.

Maybe some of your annoyance is down to hormones, or maybe he has form for being selfish, we don't know. But if this is how he normally behaves I really don't advise becoming a parent with him.

Problem is men are bombarded with adverts for sexy underwear and they can’t compute that most woman aren’t that bothered.

You only need to walk in a department store in February to see them sheepishly looking at the underwear sets!

We should campaign to the shops!!!

@OnceUponAThread

He just asked (again) if I liked my gift and I said it's nice but feels more like a present for you than for me and it's not really ideal at the mo with me being pregnant.

He's gone off on one and said it was really expensive, and I'm ungrateful, and he was just trying to make me feel sexy and loved.

Then he said he will return it and get me a mop instead.

So now I'm really disappointed.

Does he normally dismiss your own opinions about what you like? Does he normally have a strop or make snide sarcastic sexist remarks when you don't have the emotion/reaction that he wants you to have?

In short, is he usually respectful to you, OP? Or is this a pattern?

Send it back.
It won't fit you post pregnancy (even if you weigh the same boobs change shape and size)

@OnceUponAThread

He just asked (again) if I liked my gift and I said it's nice but feels more like a present for you than for me and it's not really ideal at the mo with me being pregnant.

He's gone off on one and said it was really expensive, and I'm ungrateful, and he was just trying to make me feel sexy and loved.

Then he said he will return it and get me a mop instead.

So now I'm really disappointed.

I would go for a very long drive in my car (at any other time I would have been in a hotel by now)

Return the coat you bought and get yourself something OP that makes you feel good about yourself, his mop comment is maddening.

It's not about the gift but the sentiment , though. Gifts aren't about you getting a thinkg you want. It is about someone else showing care.

It seems like he really thought you would like it. Sexy underwear could be for you, he wants you to feel gorgeous, because he thinks you are gorgeous, and the resulting intimacy would be for both of you.

My fella once bought me a god-awful handbag. It was nothing I would ever use. But he clearly had panicked over not knowing what to get and was worried I'd hate it. So I made out I was pleased. It was so much more important that he bothered. Who cared about the bag.

Unless this is part of a pattern and he is otherwise often very selfish, I would suggest considering the value of a man who loves you and buys you gifts, even he gets it wrong.

@BluebellsGreenbells

Problem is men are bombarded with adverts for sexy underwear and they can’t compute that most woman aren’t that bothered.

You only need to walk in a department store in February to see them sheepishly looking at the underwear sets!

We should campaign to the shops!!!

Balderdash. We're all bombarded with adverts all the time. We don't buy everything we see an advert for. If we're tempted, we have a think about it first, deem it appropriate or not appropriate (especially when it's a gift) and then decide whether or not to buy it.

This bloke isn't a 'poor victim' of adverts. He's insensitive to his partner's needs (even though he's been told about them) and sensitive to his own to the extent that he's had a hissy fit.

OP when he calms down, ask him to take them back and get a refund, and let you pick something for yourself (Nice slippers and a hot water bottle?) If he's against this, you've got more to worry about than Valentine's Day gifts. Sorry he's screwed up your day

@BeautifulStar

Agree it’s a present for him, not you. If he was buying underwear for you he’d have bought you a pair of comfy maternity Bridget jones’s from M&S.

My dh (then dp) did this years ago for my birthday. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn’t appreciate it - how would he feel if I’d bought him say, a dress-up sexy fireman’s outfit for his bday? It’s basically like saying “for your birthday/valentines/whatever I would like you to dress up in this bit of lace with a thong that’s like dental floss up your bum and parade around to get me off”.

He didn’t do it again!

Post of the day.

Wish I had had this response when my DH bought me "sexy" undies for my first birthday within our relationship. Never mind the ones he bought me for Christmas shortly after having given birth. Wish I had made my feelings clear then. This morning I got supermarket red roses, the present with absolutely no thought put into it, aimed at men who do not know their wives at all. I like plants I can nurture and wild flowers, not shitty green house roses that die after a couple of days. However, such is the nature of the occasion, and such is society's low expectations of men, that to be disappointed makes us bitter and ungrateful. Well print me up a t-shirt, and I'll wear it while putting no thought whatsoever into any presents I buy him in the future.

YANBU

@Sheleg

That's a bit crap. Next year cut the expectations and just don't bother! Far less hassle.

So letting them off for not listening or being thoughtful enough

Today is dh and my 25th Valentine's Day together and it is probably the most low key in terms of presents due to covid. Still having a nice day. M&S food for later. Cards to each other and a couple of gifts. However we discussed it how we were going to mark the day and we are buying a new wine rack once we can find a nice one.

Personally, I would like to be bought pretty underwear (but it'd have to be pretty rather than sexy and uncomfortable), and I can sort of see the logic that perhaps he's worried you don't feel sexy with the pregnancy and this might reassure you.

But as soon as you said it hadn't hit the mark, he should have swallowed that and accepted it. There is just no point in getting someone a gift they don't like. And part of being an adult is learning not to be self-centred about accepting criticism.

The mop comment is disgusting. Women are either mumsy skivvies or sex objects then? Either way, they are serving him. Is he always like this?

You bought him a coat for Valentine's Day? Talk about OTT.

I am so glad I am old and in a long-term relationship. We don't fall for this commercial brainwashing shit.

A mop? Guess he is getting a lovely Toilet Duck set and all the accessories for his birthday this year!

If it's not your thing at all-tell him!

Give him the underwear back & let him decide what to do.

I mean honest to goodness if this was his "loads of thought"-well there's no hope, is there?

I got nothing- I’d have quite liked some underwear to be honest!!

YANBU. Definitely don’t try it on in case that means it can’t go back.

@PurpleKoala

Have you talked to your husband about how the presents he gets you make you feel, and what you'd actually like instead?