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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gift disappointment

253 replies

OnceUponAThread · 14/02/2021 14:24

AIBU to be annoyed by my Valentine's Day gift. For context I got him his favourite posh chocs and also a coat that he's always wanted but thought was too expensive to treat himself to. He was thrilled.

He got me... sexy underwear. I'd be underwhelmed at the best of times because I think that's a gift for the guy not the girl really. And I'm sure I've told him that I'm not keen on undies as a present before.

But also. We recently found out that I'm pregnant, and so tbh it's the last thing I want. I appreciate that he bought before we knew but couldn't he have returned it and got something else when we found out? Or maybe saved in for a later (disappointing) year.

He really built it up as well saying he'd put loads of thought in and I'd love it and he couldn't wait for me to open. Frankly it feels totally thoughtless and I'd rather have had nothing at all.

He keeps suggesting I try it on and it's just leaving me totally cold. AIBU?

OP posts:
LunaHeather · 14/02/2021 16:12

@OnceUponAThread

He just asked (again) if I liked my gift and I said it's nice but feels more like a present for you than for me and it's not really ideal at the mo with me being pregnant.

He's gone off on one and said it was really expensive, and I'm ungrateful, and he was just trying to make me feel sexy and loved.

Then he said he will return it and get me a mop instead. HmmHmmHmm

So now I'm really disappointed.Angry

He sounds like he is living a stereotype instead of paying attention to you.
Eckhart · 14/02/2021 16:13

@Benjispruce2

Wow. How ungrateful you are. Can’t help think you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment.
Wow. How lacking in empathy are you? Can't help thinking you'll be making similar inappropriate comments all your life, and never realise why you're unhappy deep down.
Bralessandfree · 14/02/2021 16:13

@PurpleKoala

The mop comment is disgusting. Women are either mumsy skivvies or sex objects then? Either way, they are serving him. Is he always like this?
Totally agree.
BackforGood · 14/02/2021 16:14

I agree @saraclara

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2021 16:16

Maybe some of your annoyance is down to hormones, or maybe he has form for being selfish, we don't know. But if this is how he normally behaves I really don't advise becoming a parent with him. Are you actually suggesting op should have an abortion because of this?

Original poster
OnceUponAThread · 14/02/2021 16:18

@SleepingStandingUp

Maybe some of your annoyance is down to hormones, or maybe he has form for being selfish, we don't know. But if this is how he normally behaves I really don't advise becoming a parent with him. Are you actually suggesting op should have an abortion because of this?
Thank you, I was quite horrified by this too.
OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 14/02/2021 16:19

I’d feel the same as you OP. It’s a really insensitive gift.

When I was pregnant and felt pretty awful about how I looked, DH offered to take me to JoJo and buy me some nice maternity clothes. It was hugely appreciated and a really lovely gesture. If he’d given me lingerie I would’ve thought he’d lost his mind!

diddl · 14/02/2021 16:20

If it's not a thing that he would usually buy then I think it's odd to buy it now-or at all tbh.

TheyIsMyFamily · 14/02/2021 16:20

@OnceUponAThread

He just asked (again) if I liked my gift and I said it's nice but feels more like a present for you than for me and it's not really ideal at the mo with me being pregnant.

He's gone off on one and said it was really expensive, and I'm ungrateful, and he was just trying to make me feel sexy and loved.

Then he said he will return it and get me a mop instead. HmmHmmHmm

So now I'm really disappointed.Angry

I'd make it very clear that he's gone from gift giving for himself to twat in the blink of an eye.

Cite the poster who pointed out how he'd likely react if you bought him a sexy fireman's piece of lace and expected him to parade around for you for his present. Particularly at a time when he might be feeling a bit vulnerable about his body.

If he doesn't get that, then you two might need some couples counselling, frankly.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2021 16:22

I'd talk to him and ask if he's ready to apologise about the mop. Tell him you did try them on because you appreciate he was trying to get you something nice but unfortunately his child has made you not fit them (if its v early it's just bloat, not actual weight so don't feel like you've piled on the pounds. It's just water).

Hannahusky · 14/02/2021 16:22

I think it sounds like maybe you have genuinely hurt his feelings, albeit unintentionally. If he spent a lot of money on the lingerie then it sounds like he put some real thought into it. I was surprised with half a dozen red roses and I absolutely love them. In all the years you are together in a relationship, you won't always be amazed with your presents. If dh gets me something I don't absolutely love, I care more about his feelings than the present. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but at the end of the day you have posted here to find out what people really think.

Original poster
OnceUponAThread · 14/02/2021 16:24

@SleepingStandingUp

I'd talk to him and ask if he's ready to apologise about the mop. Tell him you did try them on because you appreciate he was trying to get you something nice but unfortunately his child has made you not fit them (if its v early it's just bloat, not actual weight so don't feel like you've piled on the pounds. It's just water).
Agree baby bloat but also some Christmas weight as well Sad.

Was feeling quite worried about weight gain over Christmas and had popped myself on a a strict diet.

When I found out about pregnancy I decided to focus on trying to improve fitness a bit rather than weight loss.

OP posts:
CoronaIsWatching · 14/02/2021 16:25

Why are you bothered, it's just valentines. What did he get you for xmas?

Eleganz · 14/02/2021 16:26

I do love the annual MN threads about valentine's gifts. Expectations seem to get higher each year and less romantic at the same time. Valentine's Day is supposed to be about romance, not a second birthday.

A coat is pretty boring and unromantic. Not sure why OP should expect better from her DH to be honest. Sexy underwear is a bit naff, but at least it is on brand.

Wearywithteens · 14/02/2021 16:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Suzeyshoes · 14/02/2021 16:28

Give the poor guy a break. At least he tried.
Guys can't get it right: if he bought you a pair of massive pants and slippers you'd have accused him of thinking you weren't sexy. Maybe he's thinking you're worried about feeling frumpy because you're pregnant and wanted to make you feel good. Sexy undies always make me feel great (including when I was pregnant).

A coat is far too OTT (it's not a birthday!?!) but that's your call.
We don't do Valentine's Day here at all. I find it tacky. My DH regularly gives me flowers 'just because' or we treat each other to things randomly. Means much more to me than swimming along with the rest of the world.

saraclara · 14/02/2021 16:28

I think it would have been fine to say that while you appreciate the thought, pregnancy isn't the time for sexy underwear, for you.

I think it's the 'you bought this for you, not for me' bit that would have really hurt in this instance. If I'd put a load of thought into a present for someone I love (but still got it wrong) I would be devastated if the recipient said that to me. In this case, he really didn't buy it for himself, but you've told him he's selfish.

If you try to imagine it the other way round, with you trying to make him feel good about himself with your gift, and he said that to you, you might well say something you didn't mean, from hurt.

I can imagine the OP you'd make, to be honest.

TheyIsMyFamily · 14/02/2021 16:30

I think it sounds like maybe you have genuinely hurt his feelings, albeit unintentionally

Please. OP sounded like she was trying to be gentle but honest. And honesty is important. Instead of recognising how it looked and felt to her, he went all in on making it all about him.

Why should OP have to bend over backwards to make him feel ok about his lack of thought about who the gift was actually for ... which she did and still got hammered for it.

Wearywithteens · 14/02/2021 16:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

saraclara · 14/02/2021 16:31

@TheyIsMyFamily

I think it sounds like maybe you have genuinely hurt his feelings, albeit unintentionally

Please. OP sounded like she was trying to be gentle but honest. And honesty is important. Instead of recognising how it looked and felt to her, he went all in on making it all about him.

Why should OP have to bend over backwards to make him feel ok about his lack of thought about who the gift was actually for ... which she did and still got hammered for it.

SHE made it about him, by telling him (twice) that he'd bought the gift for him and not for her. Which on the information given here, absolutely doesn't seem to be the case.
Original poster
OnceUponAThread · 14/02/2021 16:31

When I opened I just smiled and said thank you. Nothing else.

When he kept pushing about whether I liked I tried to be honest and say thanks but not great for me, especially at the moment.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 14/02/2021 16:33

Maybe it is time to think about your spending habits as a couple.
You both seem to have been hankering after things you couldn't justify spending money on yourself, and then you've both spent £££ on what you both thought were thoughtful presents. A year or two ago, he got it right, (with the boots) this time he's got it wrong (with the lingerie).

Wouldn't it make more sense for you both to budget yourselves some "treat money" each month to save up for the things you want to treat yourself to - so the big money goes on getting exactly what you want - and then keep the presents / surprises to each other (be that birthday, Christmas, Valentines or any other made up commercial event) to much cheaper, fun things, which, if either of you misses the mark, it doesn't matter so much as it is just a bit of fun ?

saraclara · 14/02/2021 16:34

@Wearywithteens

“Give the poor guy a break. At least he tried.”

He didn’t think about her at all! Then berated her for not being ‘grateful’.

I give up. If OP posted here about having put a lot of thought and love into a present to make her partner feel good, but it turned out that he didn't like it and told her she'd bought it for her and not for him, the whole of Mumsnet would be telling her what an arse he was.

And if she said that she'd said something cruel in response because she was hurt, everyone would say he deserved it.

MN is so damn hypocritical.

Original poster
OnceUponAThread · 14/02/2021 16:38

@saraclara how did I tell him that twice? That's not what happened at all.

We exchanged presents. I opened mine. Smiled, said thank you. Etc. He said will you try it on for me later. I dodged because I don't feel comfortable.

Then I came on here and asked whether IWBU to be a bit disappointed.

THEN. He came to me and said: thanks so much for the coat. I really love it. Shall we go for a walk later so I can wear it.

Me: yes, great idea. Let's do that.

Him: why you don't you go and put your underwear on. Me: I don't really feel like it at the moment. Him: do you like it. Me. Yes thank you.

Him, why don't you want to try it on? Are you not happy with it? Me: actually I'm a bit disappointed because it feels like it's more for you than me. And I'm not sure it's ideal with me being pregnant.

Him: you're ungrateful. Mop-gate. Etc.

He asked repeatedly if I liked it before I said anything at all. And I only said it once and very gently.

OP posts:
TheyIsMyFamily · 14/02/2021 16:38

The whole point is he didn't put a lot of thought into buying her something she would like for herself. He bought her something he imagined he'd like to see her in. And then called her ungrateful and pointed out how much it cost when she had to admit she wasn't happy with it.

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