Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Nocares · 14/02/2021 13:55

Just be there to pick up the pieces if it falls apart .

You can't stop it but you can be there as a listening ear.

There is literally nothing you can do other than voice your concerns for him to consider and then support him either way even if it goes against your advice. Hes an adult. Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them, a part of life.

Oneweekleft · 14/02/2021 13:55

Well he's 29 so its really up to him. It wont necessarily end in disaster as you think if hes made sensible decisions up until now. And well, if it does it can be a learning curve for him. It is his life so his choice.

happytoday73 · 14/02/2021 13:56

Suggest he rents out his house and moves in with her. They can look at joint house when get married...
I'd just limit myself to that to hopefully keep him financially secure. You need to let him follow his heart or he will resent you.. leave him to it

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/02/2021 13:57

You can help him by minding your own business.

ilikebooksandplants · 14/02/2021 13:57

I mean, it sounds like a fucking mess but I’m not entirely sure it’s wholly his girlfriend’s fault. Why do they keep splitting up and getting back together? That’s not what adults do.

He’s 29. Cut the apron strings. Sounds like he has two controlling women in his life. He should run from both of you.

Original poster
myson123 · 14/02/2021 14:00

According to him, they keep splitting up because she wants him to move in and up until this point he hasn't felt ready. Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will.. hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.

OP posts:
curiouscat1987 · 14/02/2021 14:00

They could look at buying as tenants in common rather than joint tenants abd doing a deed of trust, thats quite common now, i did it about 11 years ago wheb i first bought with my then bf

grapewine · 14/02/2021 14:02

He's almost 30. Time to let him make his own mistakes. If that's what it is. You don't know.

There's nothing you can do either way.

TheUndoingProject · 14/02/2021 14:02

He’s 29, and you sound very very involved in his life. I think you need to step back a bit. His girlfriend is doing absolutely the right thing prioritising her children (and the security of the roof over their head).

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 14/02/2021 14:04

Sorry but he's 29 so he has to live his own life.

I'm younger than him and my mum wouldn't dream of trying to step in when I'm making my own life decisions.

All you can do (if anything) is advise him to go for tenants in common and get a deed of trust for his deposit amount as the above pp suggested.

If he suggests this to his girlfriend and she blows up then hopefully he will see her for what she is.

missrm · 14/02/2021 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

freezedriedromance · 14/02/2021 14:04

You sound far too involved, even down to being close to his friendship group? Jesus cut the apron strings he's nearly 30! He could relocate across the world if he wanted. I agree with his girlfriend, if he doesn't want to settle down then she should find someone who does. She clearly decided she didn't want to waste anymore time with his "one foot in each camp" approach.

Atrixie · 14/02/2021 14:04

I think you need to butt out. Why should she move her children’s school and away from her family, and presumably some of her support network to a new town and your son shouldn’t? Why, at the age of 29 is his mummy getting involved in whether he has friends there? Yes an adult?

I do agree that perhaps renting out his house before buying in the new area is wise so that if it doesn’t work out then he can move back. I also agree that they need to work out together the details of who owns what on any future house and how it will be split.

He’s a big boy, leave him to live his own life

TinyCake · 14/02/2021 14:05

They should be tenants in common and split it according to how much they are paying in. Not 50/50 if she's not paying half.

Have you tried asking him how he would feel if it all went wrong and she took 50%.

It is hard but there's not much you can do apart from let him know if it doesn't work out he can come back to you.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 14/02/2021 14:06

Your son is almost 30. Children move away when they meet someone and fall in love. It happens.

Just be there in case it goes wrong. Of course his girlfriend doesn't want to move. She has kids settled in school and she is putting her children first. Surely you can't see this as a negative, as you are putting your adult child first.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2021 14:06

Your son is nearly 30 years old, ffs. If he asks for your opinion, give it, but other than that you need to back off and allow him to live his own life.

OrigamiOwl · 14/02/2021 14:06

@myson123

According to him, they keep splitting up because she wants him to move in and up until this point he hasn't felt ready. Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will.. hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.
Unfortunately if it's been 2 and a half years of him not committing to her I can see why she's reached the ultimatum stage.
draughtycatflap · 14/02/2021 14:07

Pamelaaarr!

rawalpindithelabrador · 14/02/2021 14:07

A simple, 'I think you're making a big mistake but it's your life' and that's that. He's 29.

Oswin · 14/02/2021 14:08

Of course she doesnt want to move her children. She is being sensible. Also shes reasonable to want a relationship to either progress or end.
You are determined to paint her as a son stealing witch when nothing you have said makes her seem unreasonable.

HermioneWeasley · 14/02/2021 14:08

The 50/50 on the deeds despite v different financial contributions would raise alarm bells with me. It’s also far too soon to buy together when they haven’t even lived together - he really might not enjoy living with 2 kids!

I suggest he moves in with her to minimise disruption to the kids and see how it goes. I would also seriously question him marrying her given the financial disparity in their circumstances.

Turnedouttoes · 14/02/2021 14:09

You sound like the mum of a guy I dated once. It was so unattractive how ridiculously involved in his life his parents were. Seriously you need to butt out. He’s a grown man.

MrsWhistledown · 14/02/2021 14:10

@draughtycatflap

Pamelaaarr!
This was my thought too haha
missrm · 14/02/2021 14:10

@draughtycatflap

Pamelaaarr!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
DogsSausages · 14/02/2021 14:10

Does he need a 4 bed house, could he rent it out then rent near her if he needs to be near her, they dont have to buy a house together, does the DC dad have any involvement in their life. He is nearly 30, he needs to make his own decision, is he emotionally ready to live with a woman and 2 DC. Will he need to change jobs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread