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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
ElizaLaLa · 14/02/2021 14:19

@myson123

According to him, they keep splitting up because she wants him to move in and up until this point he hasn't felt ready. Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will.. hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.
Tell him to let her then. She doesn't sound like much of a catch. Seems like he'll be out on his ear once the house is bought and her name is on it.
ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 14/02/2021 14:19

You are what Dil fear .... you need to back off or you will damage your relationship with your ds for good.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 14/02/2021 14:20

He wants her to be the mother of his children too apparently!!

Why "apparently!!"?

It's obvious you don't feel this woman is good enough for your son and his 4 bedroomed house.

A touch of the Hyancinth's going on here.

If he wants to have children, they are potentially your grandchildren, so think on about the type of relationship you want with her going forward.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 14:20

Also the ultimatum she delivered...whilst I kind of get it, she should make it clear what she wants...will only spell disaster. You shouldn't have to push someone so hard in doing something they clearly don't want to. She needs some self respect and he needs to fly solo I think for a while

Shakirasma · 14/02/2021 14:20

:13lydia2021

That's not a relationship. It's coming across as coercion I disagree, I think it's just how this reluctant MIL has chosen to portray it.

I think it's a woman with kids getting to the point where she wants her BF to either commit, or stop wasting her time.

woodhill · 14/02/2021 14:21

She sounds like she sees him as a meal ticket and I don't blame you for being concerned. She sounds very manipulative

TinyCake · 14/02/2021 14:21

He wants her to be the mother of his children too apparently!! - what's with the "!!"?

I'm a step parent and my parents are happy for me.

5zeds · 14/02/2021 14:22

What can you do to help?

The same you would do to support anyone starting a new relationship/life together. Welcome her, and her children into your family and help them if they need it.

titchy · 14/02/2021 14:22

Where has OP said they're looking to buy as joint tenants with equal ownership? He is going to rent with her first which is good, and maybe when they do buy it'll be as tenants in common with his share protected Confused

OP - he's 29 FFS. Time he grew up and stopped living his spontaneous (I presume you mean carefree and irresponsible, like a late teen/early 20s?) life safely closeted in the world he has inhabited all his life.

user1493413286 · 14/02/2021 14:22

How is she isolating him from his friends and family? He’s moving away, not being told he can’t see any of you. I’d think she and he were a bit rubbish to uproot two children from their home, schools, friends and family just so that he as a grown adult can live near his friends and family.
Apart from the fact that you’re going to miss him and find it hard then I don’t hugely see the problem. I would be suggesting that if they buy together they buy as tenants in common to protect his money in the event of separating but I’d always say that to anyone buying with someone where they aren’t putting in the same amount of money. Is it her you don’t like, the fa t that she has kids, the distance or the money side? Or just a bit of it all?
Does the girlfriend know you feel so negative about her? I’d be very cautious about letting on your feelings; you only have to read some of the posts on here about mils to see where these things can head when mils make their feelings clear about the women in their sons lives

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2021 14:23

Yanbu. I wouldn’t want that for any of my children either. Having been a person who has been with someone with children, I know just how HARD it is and how much restricts and spoil your life. So it’s a life I really hope none of my children choose when they are older. Especially my daughter.

BUT, as a parent there is nothing you can do. You can give your opinion and advice if he asks for it, but you can’t stop him. Just be there for him if and when it all goes wrong. But don’t openly show your disapproval as your son might distance himself from you and his girlfriend will just grow to dislike you. It’s something you just have to inwardly not like but outwardly just accept.

Also, a little bit of advice for you personally. Don’t feel like you have to throw yourself in to being stepgran and all the expectations that come with it.

rawalpindithelabrador · 14/02/2021 14:23

Well, at least he's not married to her. Seems like she saw her next meal ticket but he's a grown man so more fool him.

LaBellySausage · 14/02/2021 14:23

I agree with everybody else. It's really not your place to get involved in this and you sound extremely judgemental and a bit exhausting. Of course she wants a timely commitment. She has children- she may want more, and she understandably doesn't want them getting attached to some part time boyfriend who just turns up when he feels like it, wasting the rest of her fertile years.

I'm wondering if this is a reverse because you're sounding an awful lot like the dreaded MN MIL Grin

chickennuggets2 · 14/02/2021 14:23

@Shakirasma

:13lydia2021

That's not a relationship. It's coming across as coercion I disagree, I think it's just how this reluctant MIL has chosen to portray it.

I think it's a woman with kids getting to the point where she wants her BF to either commit, or stop wasting her time.

^ this

I 100% think this is more how it's being portrayed. I honestly think mums of men just can't seem to let them go. Don't be that mum/MIL. Just be there to support them, he's 29, it's completely his decision. You have to learn to let go.

EarringsandLipstick · 14/02/2021 14:24

@rawalpindithelabrador

What an appalling comment 😡

YoniAndGuy · 14/02/2021 14:24

You MAJORLY need to back off.

Or you'll end up not seeing much of the children he'll have with her.

He's nearly 30?!

'Older independent adult children' - omg. You just mean an adult, then? Not a 'child' at all?!

I'm finding myself wishing her luck - taking on a nearly 30 mother's boy who's still dithering about moving away from his childhood cocoon and whose mother actually thinks it would be more reasonable for her to move her childrens' school to accommodate darling boy still being able to see his school friends just as much as he always has.

If she posted here everyone would be telling her to run like the wind, so you never know - you may get your way, and he'll still be single and allllll yours at 45.

ComDummings · 14/02/2021 14:27

There’s nothing you can do, just disengage from the situation and be there for your son without being controlling or overbearing. FWIW I feel like everything sounds fine. Maybe not what you want for your son. But fine. Good luck to them both.

rawalpindithelabrador · 14/02/2021 14:27

[quote EarringsandLipstick]@rawalpindithelabrador

What an appalling comment 😡[/quote]
Why? It's the truth. Marriage confers a lot of legal rights.

I wouldn't want my kids going with someone who had kids when they were childfree themselves.

Imelda03 · 14/02/2021 14:27

From the info provided about the gf she sounds like she’s a no nonsense organised mother of two (if that isn’t the case then just say). Why shouldn’t she ask for commitment after more than 2 years? Why should she uproot her children when he went into the relationship knowing she had children?

Without the full context I don’t see any issue. Give him wise advise about his finances but that’s all you can do at this stage.

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 14:27

I’d be the same and want him to protect his assets. The fact the deeds are expected to reflect 50/50 ownership despite not paying 50/50 is a huge red flag and maybe you can get someone else to talk to him or get him to seek financial advice before making such a costly mistake

I would too. I’d be pretty horrified if my son got involved with someone who wanted access to 50% of his assets. I think I’d suggest him renting his house out for a while first to see how it goes.

MrsMattMurdock · 14/02/2021 14:27

Crikey when I was 29 my parents retired and moved overseas. Avoided all these kinds of problems as they had no idea what I was up to!

KarmaNoMore · 14/02/2021 14:28

There is nothing that you can do apart of supporting him when and as needed. If you push against this he will feel forced to choose between her and his family and friends and considering how much he cares about him he is going to choose her.

Stepping back is the one way to keep him in your life.

Playnoh · 14/02/2021 14:28

You lost me at 29 years old. He’s not doing anything wrong, he’s making decisions about his life. That’s it. I don’t really see any red flags. You need to massively back off.

Seedandyarn · 14/02/2021 14:28

I find men with controlling mums tend to gravitate towards gf / wife's who also like to control.

Although I don't find her controlling for putting her children's comfort before your sons, after all why uproot 3 people for the sake of one?

AnakreonsGrab · 14/02/2021 14:29

OP, you can't seriously be so involved in a 29 yr old's life.

FWIW, I'd be worried if my children had never moved on from the same area and friends that they have had since childhood. I do know some people (not many) who grew up in the place where I live, and it seems mighty claustrophobic to me.

I get on very well with my family, but don't feel the need to live next door to them. And I certainly wouldn't want my parents muscling in on my friendships.

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