Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Sleepingdogs12 · 14/02/2021 14:11

I think you need to be more open on here about what you think of the girlfriend. Maybe she has been unhappy because he lived 2 hours away, wouldn't commit ,wanted to keep his old lifestyle going ,is too dependent on his parents while she was trying to fit in around him with her children. Alternatively she is a nightmare, just wants to isolate him from his family is a gold digger and life will be forever up and down with her. From what you've said it is hard to know really.

Oysterbabe · 14/02/2021 14:11

Absolutely none of your business.

HangOnToYourself · 14/02/2021 14:11

You cant see the irony in calling her controlling in this situation?
You sound incredibly snobby mentioning how much your son earns in comparison to her, you obviously dont think she is good enough for your precious son, presumably because she already has children? The scandal! Hmm
She clearly wants a commitment and to know if she is wasting her time with your son which is understandable. You really need to butt out of this and let him live his life.

CandleWick4 · 14/02/2021 14:11

These posts always make me think about my situation. I’m a married mother of 2. If anything ever happened and I got divorced I would be a single mother of 2. If I met a nice man I wanted to live with unfortunately yes they would have to move near me, I’m not going to move 2 children from their school, away from family and their father when the man has no strings. I’d hate to think that would make me ‘controlling’ and a future MIL dislike me for it or make me out to be some harlot who is tempting your son into a life of ill repute. Hmm
You need to let him make his own decision. He’s 29.

ConsuelaHammock · 14/02/2021 14:11

He has to make his own mistakes . Encourage him to keep his own house as a compromise. He can always sell it if they decide to get married in the future .
Don’t let him burn all his bridges at once . He may regret it .
Does she love him or does she want him ? I think there’s a difference ?

Shakirasma · 14/02/2021 14:12

You can help him by accepting he is an adult, respecting his choices and embracing his girlfriend and her children as family.

Hopefully it will work out well, but if it doesn't then you help him to pick up the pieces and allow him to mourn a broken relationship without ever saying I told you so.

Anything other than that, any pressure from you against his chosen relationship will result in you losing him.

sunshinesupermum · 14/02/2021 14:13

myson123 My advice (and I have a 30 something daughter who is doing something similar as her boyfriend won't move nearer to me because he wants to continue being able to walk to work) is let them live their own lives.

You won't win this and even if you did it won't help your son a bit. He is old enough to make his own sensible decisions and has been able to already. If you make it a big deal that he moves two hours away (and why should she uproot her two children to please you?) you may well lose him completely.

As pps have suggested - he can rent out his own house when he moves in with her.

Original poster
myson123 · 14/02/2021 14:13

No he will not need to change jobs... his job is in the middle of the two places. The DC don't have any contact with their dad, so he will become a full-time step parent. He says he loves her and the two children and can't imagine life without them. He wants her to be the mother of his children too apparently!!

The plan is to move into her rental, but he doesn't want to be shelling out for his place and contributing towards her place, so he will be looking to sell his house as soon as possible to buy one together... otherwise all of their income will be spent on mortgages/rent/bills.

OP posts:
lydia2021 · 14/02/2021 14:13

That's not a relationship. It's coming across as coercion. If you dont do ,this, this and that. You will lose me forever. There really are some men as well as women who are led by the ..... other poster said rent his place out. Move in... see how it goes first. We have a Male relative in similar circumstances. He looks sad and broken. Whatever it is , it certainly isn't love our male relative is suffering.

Babyroobs · 14/02/2021 14:13

He needs to rent his house out and move into hers rather than buy a newer property with her. That way if it does all end in tears he can always return to his home area, obviously work situation willing.

AaronPurr · 14/02/2021 14:13

The 50/50 on the deeds despite v different financial contributions would raise alarm bells with me. It’s also far too soon to buy together when they haven’t even lived together

I agree with this. I think buying without having lived together is a recipe for disaster. Nothing wrong with moving in, paying his way and making future plans for if things go well. But buying a house isn't a sensible step at this point in the relationship, especially as she is insisting on 50/50.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 14/02/2021 14:13

I think you can point out the best way to handle the property issues but other than that, you’ll have to let him get on with it.

Somethingkindaoooo · 14/02/2021 14:14

Definitely make friends with the gf.
Maybe have a chat about protecting his initial investment/ renting before buying... it is a huge decision, and one he hasn't been fully on board with
Honestly though- come down too heavy, and he won't tell you anything.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2021 14:14

Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will..hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.

I think that's fair enough.

It's time to shit or get off the toilet.

If you want to help him, just stay out of it and be there for him if it doesn't work out.

SpaceOp · 14/02/2021 14:14

Haha. His gf will be on here any day complaining about her controlling in laws and how they expect him to live his life tied to their apron strings. She will get everyone telling g her that her dp needs to cut the strings.

Of course she doesnt want to uproot her children. Financial issues re house are a different story but your ds needs to agree with her, in writing if necessary, what the deal is re ownership of any home they may purchase together.

Atrixie · 14/02/2021 14:15

Nothing there rings alarm bells at all. She sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible. What is your real issue with her?

Whammyyammy · 14/02/2021 14:15

Is he 29 or 9?

MrsBobDylan · 14/02/2021 14:15

Your son doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship, probably because you haven't let him any further than his home town.

His girlfriend sounds like she has her head screwed on and is looking out for her children. Your son is 29, not a child. Let him out to play with the grown ups.

titchy · 14/02/2021 14:16

@myson123

According to him, they keep splitting up because she wants him to move in and up until this point he hasn't felt ready. Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will.. hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.
Good for her!
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/02/2021 14:17

Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will

I’d have run a mile at that comment alone.

I’d be the same and want him to protect his assets. The fact the deeds are expected to reflect 50/50 ownership despite not paying 50/50 is a huge red flag and maybe you can get someone else to talk to him or get him to seek financial advice before making such a costly mistake.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 14:17

Unpopular opinion but I wouldn't want any of my kids to be a step parent when they're adults. I don't blame you OP.

Duggeehugs82 · 14/02/2021 14:17

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

You can help him by minding your own business.
This
Nith · 14/02/2021 14:18

At 29, he really should be moving on from living a "spontaneous life". Wanting to settle down is entirely natural.

rawalpindithelabrador · 14/02/2021 14:19

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Unpopular opinion but I wouldn't want any of my kids to be a step parent when they're adults. I don't blame you OP.
I wouldn't, either!
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 14/02/2021 14:19

He's an adult let him get on with living his own life.

Not wanting to change children's schools seems perfectly reasonable, whereas the suggestion they move to live near you so that diddums remains tied to your apron strings seems like the perfect reason to run for the hills - or stay put.

Swipe left for the next trending thread