Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 35 36 37 38 39 40

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:

AIMD · 15/02/2021 13:14

Honestly if you were my mum and called me up to question my life choices at age 29 i’d tell you where to stick it. You sound like your massively over stepping.

You’ve raised your concerns and he’s told you what he wants. You need to stop now. If you continuing questioning there is every likely hood the relationship with your son will suffer. Adult children don’t appreciate having their mothers try to control (that’s what you’re doing) their life choices. My mum used to Be similar and our relationship suffered as a response and I don’t enjoy spending any time with her really.

The truth is you didn’t even know what the financial situation was. From his update about rung fencing his deposit it’s clear he has thought about the financial implications to some extent. The fact he owns his own place and earns a decent wage also suggests he is mature enough to assess and make decisions without your input. You also don’t appear to know her very well at all.... you simply don’t like that she doesn’t fit the picture of the partner you thought your son would have. Guess what though.... it’s not your life.

I’m curious op if you have much else in your life outside your children. I don’t mean that unkindly but I’m wondering if you have little else to bust yourself with and are putting all your focus on to your children?!

snowisfallingallaroundus · 15/02/2021 13:14

@brunetteonthebus

Fair point. But he sounds flighty as does she.

Having a future MIL not on board with a blended family would also make things difficult in my book and not worth it.

TinyCake · 15/02/2021 13:15

I'm glad they are ringfencing their deposits.

I think you should try and be more supportive of their relationship to give it more of a chance of succeeding. A lot of people have 2 children before they are 30. It really isn't a big shocking thing. If you treat the children like baggage it won't help.

snowisfallingallaroundus · 15/02/2021 13:17

@AStudyinPink

Marriage may not be being proposed but the old adage 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' comes to mind.

This isn’t haste. 2+ years is caution. So many women end up in their late thirties settling for some bloke who’s messed them around for fifteen years and wondering what went wrong for them. This woman isn’t doing that, she’s saying you’re in or out. That’s reasonable.

Absolutely understand what you're saying. If someone dithered like that, tough, I wouldn't let them near my family structure as you need stability and calm in buckets.

TinyCake · 15/02/2021 13:18

@snowisfallingallaroundus

I think OP is being honest and practical.

50% of marriages fail.

In the old days, your local religious person would grill both parties on stuff like this to ensure compatibility and eyes wide open before committing. Not advocating that, but there is merit in asking the difficult questions and probing.

Marriage may not be being proposed but the old adage 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' comes to mind.

If more people did this they'd be less break ups and fall outs etc.

Yes but they aren't getting married. Just moving in after 2+years. She needs commitment for the sake of her kids, can't have him drifting in and out of their lives. If he

snowisfallingallaroundus · 15/02/2021 13:18

though not tough

Tough makes it sound horrible!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/02/2021 13:20

@snowisfallingallaroundus

I think OP is being honest and practical.

50% of marriages fail.

Marriage may not be being proposed but the old adage 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' comes to mind.

If more people did this they'd be less break ups and fall outs etc.

That'll be why they're moving in together after two years then instead of getting married a few months after meeting...

Scottishskifun · 15/02/2021 13:21

A 29 year old isn't a adult......
At 29 both me and my DH was married, homeowners and had careers. 29 is definitely adults!

By the sounds of it you're against him having an instant family, yes these can be tough but your son is a adult!

tinglymint · 15/02/2021 13:24

You sound stuck up and judgemental of this woman simply because she had a life before meeting your precious son. He must love her and her children to consider moving in with them. I suggest you get over yourself and prepare for life as a step grandmother. You need to respect your son's decision or you'll push him away. It won't be her fault, it will be yours.

Kokosrieksts · 15/02/2021 13:24

He’s 29!!!! Stay out of this. Unless your son has come up to you and asked “mum, what do you think I should do in this situation?” It’s not your place to do anything at all.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/02/2021 13:27

Your son is a ugly below average looking, manchild. You should be grateful this woman is giving him a chance OP.

dontdisturbmenow · 15/02/2021 13:30

I think OP is being honest and practical. 50% of marriages fail
So practical that she made it 100% for her DS already!

LightDrizzle · 15/02/2021 13:31

In two years time you are going to be on here or Gransnet bleating about being kept away from your grandchild.

It will be your own fault. She will already know you despise her; why is she going want to spend time with you?
You can look forward to frigid, polite occasional contact, and that’s if she’s a nice woman.

You are being very foolish. With every post you sound worse.

Pippa234 · 15/02/2021 13:36

I agree @LightDrizzle

hammeringinmyhead · 15/02/2021 13:41

Honestly? It probably is going to end in disaster, because they keep splitting up, which is never a good sign.

However, I think you need to give up the image in your head where your son marries the sister of one of his lovely local friends, goes to the Maldives 3 times a year and then squeaks in 2.4 children at an age acceptable to you (37? 38?) and let him crack on.

SongSilkTrainspot · 15/02/2021 13:48

What does the fact you are close to his friends have to do with any of this?

SecretSpAD · 15/02/2021 13:50

There are some disgusting responses on here. Makes me feel sorry for MILs and wonder whether it is the DILs who are toxic rather than the MIL herself.

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 13:52

Makes me feel sorry for MILs and wonder whether it is the DILs who are toxic rather than the MIL herself.

Madness.

SecretSpAD · 15/02/2021 13:53

At least in a few posts' time this thread will be finished. I hope that anyone on here who is the mother of a son makes sure that you are perfect and uncomplaining about your sons' life choices. Oh and remember that as a MIL you will need to support your DIL above your son, who of course isn't actually allowed a relationship with you. Fucks sake.

SpringisSpinning · 15/02/2021 13:53

Secret it's going to be a mix of both but interference in any relationship is never going to end well or lead to happy family life.
The way op has judged this woman is awful and as light said, she's going to be on here in a few years Moaning she doesn't see her gc.

SecretSpAD · 15/02/2021 13:53

Madness indeed. Women are never wrong on here unless you are a SM or a MIL. Then you are never right.

SpringisSpinning · 15/02/2021 13:55

Secret I hope I put my dc happiness first and for I realise when they meet someone they may not be on the same page financially and I won't care.

SecretSpAD · 15/02/2021 13:55

I'm not suggesting anyone interferes - but if my son gets involved in a relationship that I and my husband can see is going to end in tears (because both of us have had plenty of relationships so know a bit more than the kids) I will tell him. I'll also tell my daughter if it's her. I needed my dad to tell me my relationship was toxic and abusive. I will do the same.

SecretSpAD · 15/02/2021 13:56

It's not the money. It's the control.

Flip

1 2 ··· 35 36 37 38 39 40