Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

I know this isn't what you want for your son but if you show only disapproval of his actions you'll push him away further. Let him make his own decisions and his own mistakes. I made some terrible decisions in my late 20s early 30s and my parents never once showed their disapproval and were there for me when I came back having realised my mistakes.

I think if you antagonise him and his partner you could lose him. So my advice would be to try to make her welcome in your family and get to know her and her children - rather gain a daughter in law and children than lose your son. My brothers haven't made choice that I'm happy with but because I love my brothers and don't want to lose them I try to befriend their partners

Try to be the bigger person here and keep your dignity intact.

He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions.

Yet he has a "great career" and owns his own home...so it's really only his choice of partner where you feel he is incapable of making an adult decision without your involvement. Probably because it suits you in this instance to see him as a helpless child, so you can justify sticking your nose in when the reality is you don't want this relationship to work because if it does it will mean your son has less time for you. Your posts show a striking lack of self-awareness.

YANBU. If it was my DS tbh I wouldn't want this for him. I would want him to be with someone without children and enter the relationship on an equal footing.

That I'm not happy with

I have guided and advised him through life so far, he is still young and I don't want to see him making a terrible mistake.
Amazing how you've laid out his future for him with such confidence that oy you can be right.

You are one if those mother's who don't live their children for the person they are and have become but for the image of the child they've dreamed of having.

In your imaginary world, he is a successful man who will attract another highly successful women, and you'll be so proud of him, and the perfect grandchildren they will give you. It's about time happiness, not his.

Frankly, the person who should be wary of the commitment is her because it's obvious she'll never do right by you. Even if she were to prove you wrong all the way you wouldn't want to admit it.

You could very well be correct that she just wants to grab your son because he is a good financial investment, but to not be willing to give her even an inch of benefit of the doubt says more about you than her.

Halfway through his life at 29. hmm

I said nearly. He’ll be 35 soon. Will mummy still be ‘guiding and advising’? How much is he going to miss out on because his mum wants to make his adult decisions for him?

OP, your update shows he has thought about it and he has made his own decision

Why can't you accept that?
You write as if he's a teenager. At 29 of course he's an adult and you're 'babying' him saying most adults at 29 arent adults. Of course they are.
When are you an adult then, is 40 ok for gom to settle down or is it because he has chosen a single mum? Plenty of other women without children yes but that's his choice of partner.

Unless your marriage and life is perfect and every decision you have made is a perfect one? I very much doubt it.

For gawds sake, let him decide himself and back off.

You don't own him and your opinion is merely and opinion, not a rule to follow.

How many mils actually believe this, arnt most dils sirens luring their naive sons to their awfulness fates...

Money grabbing attractive... Awful women.. How dare they!!

He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions.

Well one would imagine that he's making adult decisions in his £50k a year job.
Presumably his employers disagree with you, OP.

You are so on track to pushing him away. He's 29, an adult, and able to make his own decisions without his Mum's blessing. Him and the girlfriend and children could go to Australia, should they so choose to, and here will be nothing you can do.

I don’t think that your son sounds like the catch you seem to think he is. He may earn £50,000 but he’s not exactly Bill Gates. Gaming with your mates at 29 smacks of immaturity, my 17 year old does that. You sound completely over invested and the potential mother in law from hell. Your attitude towards her could end their relationship or could kill off any relationship with your son and potential grandchildren.

On the other hand she has her own rental property in a nicer and more expensive area. She has a years salary in savings. She is prioritising her children by not uprooting them and is happy to protect deposits. If she was my daughter I’d be telling her to run for the hills and find someone mature enough to to have a grown up relationship.

BTW I was on thread earlier and just named changed for something else and didn't realise..

Your son is an adult and he needs to make his own decisions and mistakes. You can't go through life wrapping him in cotton. You can have an opinion but there's nothing you can/should do.

As others have said be there to pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong. You're his parent not his line manager.

Oh gosh OP you sound like my MIL when I first met my DH 26 years ago. I suggest you get to know your DS’s partner as if they make a go of it she is going to be the mother of your grandchildren.

I’m really struggling with what’s causing your worry OP. Especially now the deposits will be ring fenced.

You’ve stated that you don’t know her very well and can’t judge her personality. Being attractive isn’t her fault. Not to blow my own trumpet but every bf I’ve ever had has claimed they are ‘punching’ but I don’t find ‘perfect symmetrical model looking pretty boy men’ attractive. What examples has he given of her being controlling?

I think she’s well within her rights to give an ultimatum after 2.5 years (even with 1 year of that in lockdown). At their age she rightly expects commitment and stability for her children. And I think your son sounds quite immature to be dragging his feet. He’s had a lovely time and messed about with his mates on nights out and holidays during his twenties. I’m not sure why you’re so desperate for this continue? Don’t you want him to grow up and settle down? 29 is average settling down age. He’d likely be 30 by the time the baby was born if they do conceive straight away.

It sounds as if you feel like all relationships are dependant upon each partner earning equal amount. My partner earns double what I earn but his mother doesn’t think I’m ‘rinsing’ him or have concerns over him paying more of our outgoings. People fall in love, some have savings and/or earn a lot, others have no savings and/or earn a little. It doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be together.

all i can say about your latest update is STOP......if you are not careful you will ruin your relationship with your son! Because a very clear reason why a childless and professional woman may not be all that keen on your son is YOU. If I hear that a potential mother in law tried to have this much sway over my boyfriend and mine life plans, I would run a mile. You have too much involvement in his life, put him on a pedestal and are too interfering.I was that professional young woman...but all am hearing is he is not a very attractive bloke, who only earns with 50k with an interfering mother too scared of moving away from his friends....wow what a catch.

It’s good that he’s protecting his money, that must be reassuring, OP. At least if it all goes tits up he’s got the means to start again. He’d be bonkers to sell his house before he’s tasted the reality of living with someone else’s kids, though.

Let’s hope it all works out.

Omg !! You sound a nightmare 😂

@myson123 When my father was 29 my older brother was 11 and I was 10. I think that qualifies as being an adult...

This paragraph is just awful, and sums up what your problem really is, she's just not good enough for your precious boy, is she?! I hope he's really not so shallow that the only reason she wants to be with her is because she's good looking:

"I think he is letting his infatuation run away with him, if I am honest. She is very attractive, and if I am being completely honest, she isn't on an equal looks standing with my son. He's also told me in the past that all of his friends have commented on her good looks too, how he is 'punching' etc. I think that this is a massive sway for him. I can't really comment on her personality, we've only met her a handful of times. There are plenty of women who are nice though, without children, with careers etc. I just think the whole thing is a recipe for disaster. I don't think he comprehends what he is actually getting himself in for"

You've only met her a handful of times, I wonder why that is!! So what if there are plenty of other women out there (nice, untainted women without children - must she be a virgin too?)

Your comments about what life stage his friends are at too; so bloody what if none of them are married or having children yet? Someone's going to be the first, and once they start they'll carry on at a rate of knots. I lost count of the amount of weddings (including mine!) that I attended in my v late twenties/early thirties.

It sounds like you want 'your boy' to stay living at home forever, with his old friends around for fun good times like when he was younger. Life moves on. . He won't stay in that life stage forever and what if he did? All of these amazing fun mates would settle down, have families of their own and your boy would end up being some sad lonely older man who still lives at home with his mum. Is that really what you want for him? Shame on you if so.

Just back off and let them get on with it for heavens sake! I would run a mile of you were my partners mum. Can you imagine the interference of you ever became a granny? God forbid.

I think OP is being honest and practical.

50% of marriages fail.

In the old days, your local religious person would grill both parties on stuff like this to ensure compatibility and eyes wide open before committing. Not advocating that, but there is merit in asking the difficult questions and probing.

Marriage may not be being proposed but the old adage 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' comes to mind.

If more people did this they'd be less break ups and fall outs etc.

Wow, from your update I feel really sorry for her.
You sound like a nightmare.

I'll chip in more.

Being a step parent is tough. Blended families tougher. You need rock solid commitment to navigate and do it successfully. All this splitting up spells disaster, especially for the children.

Best to test it all out now and be sure.

@snowisfallingallaroundus

I'll chip in more.

Being a step parent is tough. Blended families tougher. You need rock solid commitment to navigate and do it successfully. All this splitting up spells disaster, especially for the children.

Best to test it all out now and be sure.

I don't disagree with this, but it's for the son to figure out/decide at 29 years old. It's not for his mother to do for him!

Marriage may not be being proposed but the old adage 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' comes to mind.

This isn’t haste. 2+ years is caution. So many women end up in their late thirties settling for some bloke who’s messed them around for fifteen years and wondering what went wrong for them. This woman isn’t doing that, she’s saying you’re in or out. That’s reasonable.