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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Crimblecrumble1990 · 14/02/2021 15:01

He sounds fine, she sounds fine.

People move further away and still stay close to friends and family. Just because he is selling a bigger place to move into a smaller place because it's more expensive doesn't mean anything bad financially. His money is still worth the same amount.

Of course she cannot move away from her children's schools. And as she has 2 children she is probably not interested in being messed about and tagged along and quite understandably has asked for commitment from him.

Just trust that you have bought him up well and stay out of it.

user2021 · 14/02/2021 15:02

Christ, cut the apron strings love.

diddl · 14/02/2021 15:03

Tbh it sounds as if she should have left him way before now.

Who wants to be with someone that you have to issue ultimatums to?

VodselForDinner · 14/02/2021 15:04

I wonder why he could possibly want to move away?

RonaldMcDonald · 14/02/2021 15:04

I think your son should rent with his girlfriend and see if they are compatible as a couple and family.
Then they can make other decisions if it works out - relationship and location.
If he ends up purchasing a property with her he should make sure he has clear legal documentation on who owns and contributed what.

Crinkle77 · 14/02/2021 15:04

@myson123

According to him, they keep splitting up because she wants him to move in and up until this point he hasn't felt ready. Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will.. hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.
TBH I think that's fair enough of her. They've been on and off for 2 1/2 years and wants commitment. She's given him a choice and he could have ended it if he wanted but chose not too. He is the single person with no ties so makes sense for him to move rather than uprooting her child, having to find new schools etc. I also think the house should be 50/50 but with their deposits ring fenced.
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 15:05

Stay out if it.
You've only heard his side
Let him live his life.

It's his house. His decision. His love life and his choices.

MadCattery · 14/02/2021 15:05

My son is 31 and married, but still values my advice. I know you want to help him prevent a catastrophe and you need to tread carefully, but maybe advise he see a lawyer/solicitor to protect the unequal investment, just in case. If she works part time with two children, she may be receiving some benefits? You might mention from that angle that legal advice may be important to protect her, too. If he does marry her and have his own children, but treats all of them as his own, it is a testament to his character and not a worry at all. He sounds like a good man, his heart is in the right place and if he were my son, I’d nudge him to protect them both legally.

hansgrueber · 14/02/2021 15:05

@SpaceOp

Haha. His gf will be on here any day complaining about her controlling in laws and how they expect him to live his life tied to their apron strings. She will get everyone telling g her that her dp needs to cut the strings.

Of course she doesnt want to uproot her children. Financial issues re house are a different story but your ds needs to agree with her, in writing if necessary, what the deal is re ownership of any home they may purchase together.

Whereas she wants to control him, she seems to see £££ signs, he shouldn't be entering into any financial relationship with her or she will take him to the cleaners.
SooMoony · 14/02/2021 15:05

He's 29, not 19! Leave him alone or you will lose him forever.

altiara · 14/02/2021 15:06

If it was my son, I would suggest renting first so they both know it’s right before buying a house, and then if possible go 50:50 each on the deposit or ring fence his deposit.
Ideally they’d go 50:50 but life isn’t perfect, she needs to protect herself and her kids so if they want to be together, your DS had to commit to that relationship and be ok with the inequality in finances. They need to work out what’s right for themselves for the short term, in the long term it won’t matter.

I wouldn’t poke my nose into whether he should or should not move, that’s his decision. And if he sees his girlfriend as the future mother of his children then surely that’s a good thing if he’s planning on moving in with her.

HmmSureJan · 14/02/2021 15:06

I'd be worried about all these things too. Most parents would be but you just have to keep quiet and just be there when things go wrong once they reach adulthood. I think you know that really though don't you?

CustardySergeant · 14/02/2021 15:06

What are all the "Pamelaaarr!" posts referencing?

ivykaty44 · 14/02/2021 15:07

what would concern me is that you think he won't make friends in the new area, why do you think he won't make friends? is he not very nice? not outgoing?

as for the rest, we can't pick our children partners or live their lives for them, we can though be there to listen with two ears and never pass judgement

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 15:07

@CustardySergeant

What are all the "Pamelaaarr!" posts referencing?
Gavin and Stacey.
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 15:07

@Viviennemary

She knows a good thing when she sees it. On another thread a man is villified for doing more or less the same thing. Double standards much. Why should OPs son bankroll this person into a better life.
Because it's his life. All you can do is be there for him, whatever happens.
GreyFrenchique · 14/02/2021 15:07

Step parent here.

I don't blame you for not wanting this life for him OP. It's hard and it's thankless.

The heart wants what it wants though. Only he can decide what he does.

woodhill · 14/02/2021 15:08

@ChestnutStuffing

I would argue the girlfriend is possibly being foolish as it sounds like the man has been a little unreliable and I think she stands to lose more in a way if it goes south.

People are often too quick to move in these days and maybe he was reasonable to be cautious - one should be really careful when children are involved. But what is this business about him maintaining a carefree lifestyle and gaming and hanging out with his buddies? He's 29, OP, it seems like you want to maintain him in some sort of man-child status.

It is too bad when a child has to move a ways away, but the reasoning good in this case. Things may change if the relationship works out, she may feel stable enough to make the decision to move the kids. Or, the OP could move closer to the son.

Exactly this.
peboh · 14/02/2021 15:08

I understand that you're concerned about your son, but he's a grown adult. You get no say in what he does with his life. Butt out and let him make his own mistakes.

Unsure33 · 14/02/2021 15:09

IMO. You can’t stop him going . Just ask him to rent for a while with her . And rent his house out . For a minimum of a year .

It’s the sensible thing to do . There are children involved as well so best to make sure they are happy together.

oakleaffy · 14/02/2021 15:09

@TitsalinaBumSquash

Nice to see the stigma of being a single mother is alive and well - those of you who don't want your precious children to meet someone who already has children are ridiculous. You don't know why the person is single, she could have been widowed, abused, cheated on etc, or it could simply be a case of growing apart from her children's father and maturely deciding to split. Children from a previous relationship don't mean a ton of nasty baggage.

Don't assume every single parent is a feckless no hoper waiting for someone to latch onto to become better off. Angry

Many who are counselling caution probably ARE single parents through divorce. Many are after a good thing when they see it.. and gold digger men are alive and well, believe me.

If one has adult children, it is natural to warn them to protect themselves financially.

Be that son or daughter.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 14/02/2021 15:10

If I was his GF I'd run for the hills. Who wants a dithering man and a controlling MiL in their lives?

Radio4Rocks · 14/02/2021 15:10

It will all end in tears, OP, just be around to pick up the pieces.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 15:10

Or course she shouldn't up root her kids.
He can always date a woman without kids.

Livelovebehappy · 14/02/2021 15:11

If he was 20, I would say you needed to intervene to give him a bit of advice and guidance. But he’s 29. Seems he has got his head screwed on right, as he is living independently and has a pretty good job. What he’s going to do might be a mistake, but if it is, he has to learn by the mistakes he makes. All you can do is maybe point out the potential pitfalls, just to make him aware of future consequences, but ultimately the final decision is down to him. You do make it sound though like you have a bit of control over his life, and you’re worried about that control shifting to his gf. A tale as old as time re mums and their son’s partners.

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