Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

@myson123
You’ll not get much sympathy on mumsnet,as many women will see you as a MIL!

I completely understand your concern,
Can he not protect his asset, his bigger share of the house so if it all ends in tears, he’ll get his proportion back?
Her having children could mean he may not be able to sell the house if it goes tits up-as many do-
Until they are 18

It sounds like a bad move to sell his house near you..
He should keep it and rent it out.

Sounds like the woman knows she’s onto a winner being 50/50 on the deeds..

I have brothers who have divorced and they bitterly regret putting in more and having no legal agreement beforehand.

He needs legal advice .

I think you're right to be concerned OP. I don't get why everyone is being arsey with you. Should parents not look out for their children after a certain age? He's your son and you want whats best for him. That's not unreasonable at all.

It sounds like he is making the decisions and sacrifices he needs to make to be with the woman he loves. If I were you I'd stay out of this one except for giving practical financial advice.

Don't antagonise your future DIL and keep the peace for everyone's sake.

I understand. My kids are aged between 46 and 52 now and the 50/50 split would be a no no from me. I am a step parent, it was hard enough at 45. In the end 5 teens became 5 adults with good marriages, careers and lovely shared dgc for us but this isn’t the direction your son is going I’m afraid.
I understand her wanting security for herself and her dc but the relationship doesn’t seem solid enough for your son to make such a big sacrifice.

I would argue the girlfriend is possibly being foolish as it sounds like the man has been a little unreliable and I think she stands to lose more in a way if it goes south.

People are often too quick to move in these days and maybe he was reasonable to be cautious - one should be really careful when children are involved. But what is this business about him maintaining a carefree lifestyle and gaming and hanging out with his buddies? He's 29, OP, it seems like you want to maintain him in some sort of man-child status.

It is too bad when a child has to move a ways away, but the reasoning good in this case. Things may change if the relationship works out, she may feel stable enough to make the decision to move the kids. Or, the OP could move closer to the son.

Give him financial advice/ideas then step right back until he asks your opinion.

She knows a good thing when she sees it. On another thread a man is villified for doing more or less the same thing. Double standards much. Why should OPs son bankroll this person into a better life.

Look I understand where you're coming from but you have to allow him to make his own decisions.
I'd be positive about the move but suggest for the moment he rents his house or to see how living together works out, I think that's a sensible move. Don't be negative about his girlfriend, you'll just push him more towards her.

It sounds quite problematic for him and I would worry he will get into financial problems etc. But I do think she is reasonable wanting a commitment from him.

Just love and support him as you are doing and let him make his own choices.

The people who think it is none of your business are wrong, of course it is your business, he is your son. But it is not something you can influence. If you voice your concerns too much you could drive him further into this. He needs to make his own choices.

Talk to him about ringfencing his deposit for a new home; his gf can do the same. Equity on top of the ringfenced monies can be split based on mortgage percentage payments between the two of them. Ie, not 50/50. Talk to him about protecting himself. Because her very availability to him with 2 children is an example of how relationships can fail.

You can't stop him. You can't get in the way. But you can talk to him about making himself an equal priority in the relationship and protecting himself financially as well.

If they stay together long term, that shouldn't be a problem. If it IS a problem for her, then she doesn't have his best interests at heart, or at least equal to hers, and you can point that out.

His girlfriend quite rightly wants a commitment, and most parents do not want to uproot their DC from school etc. If they want to be together then he has to move. and yes he will lose his "spontaneous lifestyle" that is what happens when you make a commitment and become a family unit, you have to consider others.

I wouldn't recommend buying immediately, but when they do, they should own the house in shares though, according to how much deposit they put in and how they pay the mortgage. It shouldn't just be 50/50.

I am a strong advocate for protecting what you have whether male or female. It is just common sense.

He should rent out his own house to start with, which should bring in enough to cover the mortgage, and move in with her and see how it goes. If they then stay together and decide to buy, he can sell his house or continue to rent it out.

At the end of the day, he is 29 and has to live his own life and make his own decisions. Give him some friendly advice, but don't be judgemental.

Why did I read this in Pamela Shipman’s voice? Are your son’s friends named Smithy, Budgie, Chinese Alan, Dirtbox, Fingers, Jesus and Gary ‘n’ Simon?

In all seriousness, he’s an adult, there’s not much you can do. You can advise him to tread sensibly but that’s it. If he loves her, he loves her and she has a valid point about her children’s schools etc. Just be there for him and if it falls apart and he needs you, he will know that he has support.

@myson123
You probably will really miss your son, too.
Those criticising you , if they have sons could one day be on that position...

Very different then.

May be moving into her rented property would be a good idea to make sure it’s going to work out first before he commits to selling his property. If they do end up buying a property together, I would strongly advise they have a Trust Deed drawn up to protect the money he is putting into the pot and hold as Tenants in Common. I can understand why you have reservations but you need to let him make his own decisions and support him accordingly.

Ok there are a few issues here.

Most parents would not, as a first choice hope that their child would be involved with someone that already had children with other people. But the fact is this is more and more common, and he has chosen this.

Its not normal to have a relationship with someone with kids and then expect that person with kids to put their partner first. The kids are always going to come first. And she wouldn't be a great parent, or person, if she uprooted them from their school etc to move 2 hours away from their friends to live with her boyfriend. And your son would be a pretty shit step parent if he was putting his investments above his new step childrens happiness. So moving to their area is reasonable, logical, and in no way 'isolates him from his family'.

Second, it's normal to see less of your family when you have a partner and children. That's practicalities not isolation. If she says he cant visit you or she doesnt want you in their house etc then that would be isolating behaviour but you haven't indicated this is the case.

It sounds like she is sick of having a long distance relationship. Stating your needs and saying you only want to carry on with the relationship if he lives there isnt controlling, its expressing her wishes and giving him and option - move in or finish the relationship. Of course if she does this with every decision as a couple 'do as I want or I'm leaving you', that is controlling, but I think for something that really affects her and her children, this one instance isnt evidence of controlling behaviour. She has to protect her children, if it was solely his house, then there would be nothing to stop him chucking them all out one day and I dont blame her for not being comfortable with that. Your son could visit a solicitor and find a way to protect his portion of the deposit, and I would be more wary if she didnt want this.

It's not great that they are splitting up and getting back together all the time, and that's what would be worrying me as it sounds like a very volatile relationship and unless they are taking real and intensive steps to sort out their issues, what's going to stop it happening again and again and that's no good for any of them.

Lastly it sounds, frankly, like you don't like her. You mention their respective earning power etc and it comes across that you think she is after your son for his money, and the whole tone of your post sounds like you think he 'could do better'. I'd be very wary about speaking to him about any of this as he will be able to tell, and so will she. And that's the thing, more than anything else, that will be most likely to lead to him being isolated from his family. Having a mother in law who thinks you're not good enough for your husband and who tried to split you up, is not going to make her want to move nearer you or encourage her to integrate herself into your lives. Be warned

Rent his house out, live together, see how it goes.

If I was her I’d want commitment too. Spontaneous living is for single childless people!

This is not about the house/ playing games with his friend or anything like that.

It’s you as a parent who thinks he is too good for a single mum who works part time when he has a well paid job etc
You are also butt hurt because he won’t be around the corner from you and you haven’t let go.
Just stop - you will be the one to lose him for good.

I'd say that a woman who has 2 kids to support full time and without any input from their father while working part time is doing pretty well to have savings of 10k while living in an expensive area. She doesn't sound like the golddigger you are making her out to be. Throughout my marriage I have sometimes earned a little bit more than my husband and sometimes a lot less, that does not in any way mean that I married my husband for his earnjng potential. She has been with him for 2.5 years and wants to go into her 30s knowing whether her boyfriend is just a casual thing or whether he will be the father of any future children she may have. I'd say that is very reasonable. He has made it very clear that he loves her and wants to commit to her. This is NOT your decision to make. He is not a niave child, he is 29 years old.

Nothing you can do, beak out, I’m afraid.

Nice to see the stigma of being a single mother is alive and well - those of you who don't want your precious children to meet someone who already has children are ridiculous. You don't know why the person is single, she could have been widowed, abused, cheated on etc, or it could simply be a case of growing apart from her children's father and maturely deciding to split. Children from a previous relationship don't mean a ton of nasty baggage.

Don't assume every single parent is a feckless no hoper waiting for someone to latch onto to become better off.

Just make sure he gets independent financial advice on how to set up any future house purchase or financial arrangements.
Also bear in mind she may get less maintenance if there is any spousal element.

Wow, you sound like a lovely mother in law

You really don't like her do you OP. You can give him constructive advice but you can't stop him or tell him not to do it just because you don't want him to. He's 29 fgs.

He’s almost 30. He’s moving a few hours down the road. He might even want to get married. Who knows? Don’t be that mother in law. Help and support him. Be happy that he is happy. Support him if he needs it, but he’s a fully grown functioning member of society and I assume he’s not stupid. It’s time to cut the apron strings.

He’s 29! It’s up to him. You sound very involved in his life - lovely to be close but it does sound like he needs to grow a bit more independent from mum and dad and childhood friends.

What I would do is suggest buying as tenants in common reflecting the % they both put in - you could point out that if they decide to marry, they can switch to 50/50, but might be wise to leave this till he is really ready to commit.

I can see why she is fed up and issuing ultimatums, after 2.5 years she will want a commitment or not. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to want to keep her kids at school. Your DS is an adult. You do not need to worry he won’t have friends, he can sort that out himself!

It’s understandable you don’t feel this is the optimal situation, but you also appear very controlling and quite suffocating, so best to take a step back now or you risk driving him away.

It may work or it may not, but good for him to get out and get some life experience.

He's nearly thirty years old.
It's high time he moved his backside out of mummy's house.

Did you do a crap job raising him or did you raise a sensible person who can make good decisions?