Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 39 40

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:

titchy · 14/02/2021 14:29

I wonder what the responses would be if the son's dp had posted:
'AIBU to want my partner of two years to move in with me. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who are happy and settled in a nice school in a nice area. Dp's commute to work would be the same as now, but he seems reluctant even after two years to move our relationship on. As background he lives near his parents and school friends and often goes out and plays computer games with the lads he was at school with and his parents seem quite hostile to the idea of him moving. I love him though and can see my future with him.'

MN would be unanimous in saying give this man child an ultimatum!

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2021 14:30

I don’t think she wants him to be single and “all hers” forever. I just think she doesn’t want him to be with someone with kids due to the ramifications that come with that.

It’s not her choice and she shouldn’t openly make a big deal about it all. But she’s entitled to her own feelings quietly.

Imapotato · 14/02/2021 14:30

He’s a grown man who can make his own choices. His gf’s reasons for not wanting to move area are completely valid. Better a single man moves area than have to change the kids schools. Also it’s more important for her to have her support network close, unless of course you OP would be happy to look after her kids during the school holidays.

Everything you’re complaining about seems like very normal every day things. I think it’s time to cut the apron strings OP and let your son live his life.

Just be there for him if it all goes wrong. That’s all you can and should do.

Lynora · 14/02/2021 14:31

Butt out. He will choose her not you. Get over it.

MagmaQuest · 14/02/2021 14:31

You could look at it that if he buys in the better/ more expensive area (with appropriate advice) then he has a better asset if they did split up.

But really he should be moving and renting with her. The reality of day to day life with 2 children may be very different to seeing her less frequently. Although I do feel sorry for the children in this scenario. She doesn't sound unreasonable, wanting more after 2.5 years and it's not always easy to move schools.

Best to only offer advice when he asks for it and be there is it goes wrong.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2021 14:32

I wouldn't be happy either in your shoes. She sounds like a bit of a gold digger out for what she can get. Still he's an adult and you can't stop him but you can advise him to be cautious.

Palavah · 14/02/2021 14:32

@Somethingkindaoooo

Definitely make friends with the gf. Maybe have a chat about protecting his initial investment/ renting before buying... it is a huge decision, and one he hasn't been fully on board with Honestly though- come down too heavy, and he won't tell you anything.

Yes - but have a chat with himabout protecting his deposit, not with her.

seashells11 · 14/02/2021 14:32

Why shouldn't the Op be concerned and why should she "mind her own business". Its her son, we don't suddenly switch off just because they've grown up. I would be concerned too. The girlfriend sounds like she wants it all her way and also seems a bit grabby. Also the fact she's now pressuring him to commit, all on her terms is concerning. Ignore the posters telling you to mind your own business.

From my view the day I "mind my own business" with my kids is the day I stop caring. That's not to say I'd get overly involved, but certainly try and advise from a position where I can look at things more objectively. After all it's us mothers who often have to pick up the pieces when our kids get hurt.

Pollypudding · 14/02/2021 14:33

OP, I am a mum of older/ independent children and I understand your concerns as you see some red flags. However, if you have expressed your concerns to your son and given him advice (particularly on the financial aspects) then all you can do is step back and let him make his own decisions. Agree with PP who say, get to know your son’s partner and children- they will be part of your family.
Just to give you a little of my story- my DS moved in with a woman who had a young child (she was not working at the time-he was). 5 years later they are married, had another child and have bought a house together. She is working and they are all happy and I have 2 lovely grandchildren! Only downside (for me) they live 3 hours away.
It may work out for your son, it may not, but he is an adult now and needs to make his own decisions and live his own life

missrm · 14/02/2021 14:34

@Viviennemary

I wouldn't be happy either in your shoes. She sounds like a bit of a gold digger out for what she can get. Still he's an adult and you can't stop him but you can advise him to be cautious.

Justify you working out she's a gold digger from all this...?

Because she's divorced and has 2 kids and he's head over heels on live with her and his kids?

People like you make me sick. Vile.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 14/02/2021 14:34

The plan is to move into her rental, but he doesn't want to be shelling out for his place and contributing towards her place, so he will be looking to sell his house as soon as possible to buy one together... otherwise all of their income will be spent on mortgages/rent/bills

But if he rents his current house out (even on a temporary 6 month let) it will be costing him very little. This gives him a trial run to move in with the gf.
From her kids point of view: mum's boyfriend moving in for while and then moving out again if it doesn't work out, is less disruptive than moving to new house with mum & bf, settling in and then having to move again because they split.

MouseholeCat · 14/02/2021 14:34

He's 29 and perfectly able to make his own decisions. You're concerned that she's been controlling over your son's life- she's probably saying the same thing about you.

Denny53 · 14/02/2021 14:34

One question. Is he happy? That’s all that should matter. Time to let go mum

Dozer · 14/02/2021 14:35

Would suggest he gets a legal agreement about the property to protect his money!

Moondust001 · 14/02/2021 14:35

@myson123

According to him, they keep splitting up because she wants him to move in and up until this point he hasn't felt ready. Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will.. hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.

But that doesn't seem unreasonable on her part!

It seems that you are overly involved in his life - really, you and his friends are all close? He's 29 years old!

I think it is entirely reasonable of her to want clarity about whether this is a committed relationship (which kind of suggest that they need to take it to the next level) or not. If it isn't he needs to end it properly. If it is then you need to stop interfering and let him work out his relationship with his partner/girlfriend.

seashells11 · 14/02/2021 14:36

OP, you can't seriously be so involved in a 29 yr old's life.

Its her son, of course she's involved in his life.

WunWun · 14/02/2021 14:37

None. Of. Your. Business.

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 14/02/2021 14:37

@titchy

I wonder what the responses would be if the son's dp had posted: 'AIBU to want my partner of two years to move in with me. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who are happy and settled in a nice school in a nice area. Dp's commute to work would be the same as now, but he seems reluctant even after two years to move our relationship on. As background he lives near his parents and school friends and often goes out and plays computer games with the lads he was at school with and his parents seem quite hostile to the idea of him moving. I love him though and can see my future with him.'

MN would be unanimous in saying give this man child an ultimatum!

Agree 100%

pheonixrebirth · 14/02/2021 14:37

@draughtycatflap

Pamelaaarr!

😂😂😂😂

grapewine · 14/02/2021 14:37

It's obvious you don't feel this woman is good enough for your son and his 4 bedroomed house. A touch of the Hyancinth's going on here.

Yeah. Maybe she should run.

Boboparadise · 14/02/2021 14:40

You have every right to be concerned. I would be also. It's easier said than done to mind your own business but how would they deal with it if it was to be their son. Is the girlfriend good to him? Does she support and encourage him? I don't mean financially. Have you spoken to your son about your concerns?

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 14/02/2021 14:42

Keep your beak out.

He’s a grown man.

Rupertbeartrousers · 14/02/2021 14:43

@Shakirasma

You can help him by accepting he is an adult, respecting his choices and embracing his girlfriend and her children as family.

Hopefully it will work out well, but if it doesn't then you help him to pick up the pieces and allow him to mourn a broken relationship without ever saying I told you so.

Anything other than that, any pressure from you against his chosen relationship will result in you losing him.

Wise words here

Insomniacexpress · 14/02/2021 14:43

He’s almost 30...not sure how long you expected him to live a laddish no strings attached lifestyle. It sounds like he’s growing up. I would leave him to it. He can take legal advice on how to hold the property title if he wants to protect his deposit/ payments. He’s a big boy and it’s his money/life.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/02/2021 14:43

I think you need to be a lot less involved with this. Not wanting her children to move school and being clear you want a commitment are perfectly normal things.

I think it would be far better for her children if they rent a shared house first rather than jump in and buy something.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 39 40

Swipe left for the next trending thread