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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
ElleAitch · 13/02/2021 22:19

Sounds like a total waste of time, OP, if the relationship is this stressful and unfulfilling for you both after eight weeks.

adventurealice · 13/02/2021 22:20

Sex is at the forefront of long term and serious relationships. If you’re not interested then split up

Mooselaurels · 13/02/2021 22:20

Sounds like you both want different things

Norwayreally · 13/02/2021 22:21

It’s supposed to be really easy at this stage and also natural. I don’t think many people withhold sex for months, it’s normal to want to have sex with someone you’re attracted to. Maybe you’re not really that into him.

ChristOnAPeloton · 13/02/2021 22:23

If you’re not ready to have sex yet- then that’s entirely fine and up to you.

YABU to think he doesn’t “deserve” it yet. Sex is a normal part of adult relationships. Not a treat to be earned for good behaviour.

evouk · 13/02/2021 22:23

"He puts in little to no effort"

You've only been dating two months, imagine what it will be like after a year or two

MeanMrMustardSeed · 13/02/2021 22:23

He sounds a bore.

Somanysplitends · 13/02/2021 22:23

Saying he doesn't deserve it is really weird to me. Like you're a prize he has to earn and that sex has no benefit to you. If you're not into him then fine, move on. If you want to wait, that's fine too but saying he has to earn it is weird to me

covetingthepreciousthings · 13/02/2021 22:23

Do you want to have sex with him?

If you do, I don't think you should stop yourself because it's not worked out with others in the past who you've slept with quickly.

It sounds like you're maybe not that into him though.

Lou98 · 13/02/2021 22:25

Neither of you are wrong here, you don't feel ready and he is, sex means different things to different people, personally I haven't went more than 2 months without having sex with someone I'm dating as for me it is a big part of a relationship, however, I would respect if someone didn't and we were compatible in that sense.

However, saying that he doesn't "deserve sex" makes it sound as if you are using it as an almost control thing, it shouldn't be about deserving, if you don't feel he is putting in the effort and don't want to take that step then leave the relationship, but deciding to wait as he hasn't earned it yet and doesn't deserve it doesn't sound very healthy and to be honest makes you sound like hard work - maybe that's not the case but that's the way I read that

KarmaNoMore · 13/02/2021 22:25

I think you two have very different ideas of the meaning if sex in a relationship. I understand your reluctance but you cannot make him pay for the behaviour of other people in your past.

If you are bot interested let him go, not all men can be made to wait for months without damaging the “relationship” in the process.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2021 22:25

I've shagged most of my LTR partners pretty soon. Because if that's shit, what's the point? If someone wanted to wait months, I'd probably not bother.

But if that's what you want, make if clear and stick to it. He either sticks around or doesn't.

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 13/02/2021 22:26

Withholding sex won't make him respect you more or want a more serious relationship.

This is a misogynist idea implanted in women from way back, no sex before marriage ect.
It places importance on "innocence" and that being a normal sexual being, isn't what men want in long term gfs/wives. And that women who do have sex, are lower in standards.

If you want to have sex with him do, it won't change how he views you and your chance of having a good long term thing. It's been months now, fair enough wait until you see if you like him or not, but it's been two months. You should know and want to shag the pants off him.

Sounds to me like you don't? And that's a whole other issue.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/02/2021 22:26

He hasn't made enough of a connection with you is presumably what you mean. Really he sounds like he just wants sex and you want more so move on.

notprofessionallyoffended · 13/02/2021 22:29

How did you meet him?

If he's that keen on sex, I'm surprised he's stuck around that long, actually. In my experience, a lot of men demand sex by the third date or they walk. Demanding sex isn't really an attractive trait, which they don't really seem to comprehend... No one is owed a shag.

OP, I think you're looking for different things, TBH.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 13/02/2021 22:30

we haven’t spent a lot of time together... He tries to convince me that things are in my head... I feel he puts in little to no effort

Move on. Seriously.

garlicwhorl · 13/02/2021 22:42

it shouldn’t be a case of him ‘deserving’ sex with you, what a weird perspective

Original poster
Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:44

When I say “deserve” I mean he has not put enough effort into getting to know me, building and establishing a relationship, connecting on a level deeper than sex. I know he is sexually attracted to me but it is not enough. He claims his interest in me is beyond sex however I don’t feel it. Our love languages are different so perhaps that’s where a lot of our challenges come from. I would have slept with him earlier if he wasn’t bringing it up so often and let things flow and simply put in the effort I have clearly told him I want to see. I do like him and want to make things work but I also don’t want to get mugged.

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 13/02/2021 22:45

If you don't want to, you don't want to. There's no unreasonable about it, but I'd consider whether it's worth pursuing.

Ameliablue · 13/02/2021 22:46

I don't even understand why you are asking the question. You aren't that into each other, call it quits

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2021 22:48

You really need to stop wasting your time with this one.

Happycat1212 · 13/02/2021 22:48

This is MN most people on here seem to think you should sleep with men straight away, like the first night. But ime that doesn’t work out (yes there are exceptions but mostly it doesn’t) nothing wrong with waiting till you are ready, we don’t all wanna sleep with a guy the first night 🙄

Original poster
Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:48

@notprofessionallyoffended

How did you meet him?

If he's that keen on sex, I'm surprised he's stuck around that long, actually. In my experience, a lot of men demand sex by the third date or they walk. Demanding sex isn't really an attractive trait, which they don't really seem to comprehend... No one is owed a shag.

OP, I think you're looking for different things, TBH.

We attended the same university and reconnected through social media. It’s very unattractive and comes across quite desperate which is another reason why I’m reluctant. You may be right x @notprofessionallyoffended
OP posts:
AnnLouiseB · 13/02/2021 22:48

If he’s putting in little to no effort at this stage when it’s supposed to the the honeymoon period then what will he be like in a year? Stop worrying about sex and just ditch him since he isn’t going to make you happy.

ChristOnAPeloton · 13/02/2021 22:48

Just do the decent thing and dump him.