AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

[Missrhodes]

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

@ScreamingBeans

After 2 months of getting to know someone, if you're not really looking forward to going to bed with him, I'd say you don't really fancy him.

Just move on, he's not for you.

I want to sleep with him, I just want to feel valued before I do @ScreamingBeans

@Losttheequipment

I think he needs to run for the hills to be honest

sorry for wanted to feel valued

@RootyT00t

Some ridiculous responses here OP.

Of course you want to feel secure and that things are right before you sleep with him. Jesus.

I agree. Really weird responses, ignoring all his behaviours, ignoring his lack of effort, ignoring him saying time spent together is reserved for girlfriends, ignoring him always focusing on the sex and calling her selfish for not having sex with him. Wtf is wrong with people’s boundaries?!

Op, seriously, just block and move on. Atop wasting time on this guy. There are loads of women on this thread alone who will have sex with him, even though he wont phone them or spend any time with them, so let them.

I have told him I would like to spend more time together but his hypothetical response is that more time spent together is reserved for girlfriends he is a knobhead.
I like to chat he likes to text which I have explained, which he did change tbf but it’s gone back to texting which I have compromised on where is the compromise?! Ffs.

He thinks I’m selfish because the only thing he seems to want (sex) I’m not giving and he doesn't just get sex if he wants it when you do not.

Fuck him off.

👏👏👏👏👏

“ I want to feel valued. Why is that so hard to comprehend? I want to feel desired beyond my body.”

It isn’t difficult to understand @Missrhodes. Your feelings are perfectly valid.

What’s difficult to understand is why you persist in trying to get this from a man who has the equally valid (IMO) viewpoint that adult relationships involve free and easy sex- without being made to feel as tho he needs to complete certain “levels” before you let him get to the next stage.

You’re flogging a dead horse. He won’t see you as a serious girlfriend until you’re having sex, and you won’t “open your legs” for him until he treats you as a serious girlfriend.

Get rid. Find someone you’re more compatible with.

@ChristOnAPeloton

“ I want to feel valued. Why is that so hard to comprehend? I want to feel desired beyond my body.”

It isn’t difficult to understand @Missrhodes. Your feelings are perfectly valid.

What’s difficult to understand is why you persist in trying to get this from a man who has the equally valid (IMO) viewpoint that adult relationships involve free and easy sex- without being made to feel as tho he needs to complete certain “levels” before you let him get to the next stage.

You’re flogging a dead horse. He won’t see you as a serious girlfriend until you’re having sex, and you won’t “open your legs” for him until he treats you as a serious girlfriend.

Get rid. Find someone you’re more compatible with.

I agree. But the majority of posters are telling her he needs to run for the hills and giving her a hard time. Thats what I disagree with.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Sorry OP I hope I wasn’t too harsh before. I think you’re coming to relationships from a place of insecurity and seeing your own worth in terms of sex, rather than looking at what else you have to offer. Your approach is actually underselling yourself and screams insecurity, which will only attract the worst sort of men. The LAST thing you want is the man who puts in a big “effort to get sex”, these are the men who will screw you and then get bored.

Also remember a relationship is a learning curve for you both, if you are sleeping with someone as part of a relationship and they end things down the line that doesn’t mean they are taking advantage of you for sex, that’s a normal healthy relationship where one person realises it’s not a match.

Women have so much to bring beyond sex, it upsets me to see you value yourself like this.

No it’s fine! I actually want to make sure he values me beyond sex. I believe the sooner I have it the less likely that is to happen. Your perspective is interesting!

What kinds of things is he saying to you that make you feel uncomfortable with him OP?

I met a guy off OLD for lunch last summer, he seemed OK but then in his messages afterwards, he would start trying to turn the conversation towards sex. I told him a few times I wasn't comfortable with that, but he kept doing it. In one message he said "So are you saying you will have sex with me?" and I blocked him.

I then thought what if I met up with him again and he raped me or something? He would simply be able to say I'd said that I had agreed to have sex with him.

It's really hard to describe to people who have never experienced men behaving like this how disconcerting it is.

And I also don't agree with your point that his view is valid or right. Free and easy sex? In what world??

@GreenlandTheMovie

What kinds of things is he saying to you that make you feel uncomfortable with him OP?

I met a guy off OLD for lunch last summer, he seemed OK but then in his messages afterwards, he would start trying to turn the conversation towards sex. I told him a few times I wasn't comfortable with that, but he kept doing it. In one message he said "So are you saying you will have sex with me?" and I blocked him.

I then thought what if I met up with him again and he raped me or something? He would simply be able to say I'd said that I had agreed to have sex with him.

It's really hard to describe to people who have never experienced men behaving like this how disconcerting it is.

I dumped a perfectly otherwise lovely man because he just sent my senses on edge when it came to sex. He expected it, demanded it, got huffy without it. No thanks.

It must be so hard dating in covid times so I think everyone's views are a bit warped and (some anyway) a bit rude to you OP.

I am a bit of a prude but there's nothing wrong with your decision to wait before sex and if he doesn't respect that then I'm not sure you are suited. Sorry.

“ And I also don't agree with your point that his view is valid or right. Free and easy sex? In what world??”

My world for starters.

If I fancied shagging the bloke I was on a date with, I did.

Last one is still here 9 years later.

You’re flogging a dead horse. He won’t see you as a serious girlfriend until you’re having sex

Yeah right. Of course that is the reason he is treating her poorly. He would be a prince if she had sexy with him. If the relationships board has taught us nothing else, it is that as if you have sex with a man who disregards your feelings and wants, he will then become a perfect boyfriend, right?

I’ve done similar things in dating to you OP and form experience I can tell you it really doesn’t work. Yes it’s a balance—if you’re sleeping with people immediately a lot it often doesn’t go the way you want it to. But I’ve also done the holding out and it makes for a terrible dynamic, it does the opposite of making them respect you. Because you’re literally telling them that your value is sex, that they only talk to you and are nice to you to eventually get sex.

Regardless, he seems pretty shit. Which is why you should end it and not hope that mindgames will change him, because they won’t. If you’re dating pigs and hoping to turn them into gents by withholding sex, maybe (if you’re lucky) you’ll get a fake gent for a month but you’re still going to end up with a pig.

When you find a gent, he’d be confused by the games you’re playing because he won’t understand sex as a transaction.

@ChristOnAPeloton my world too.

I have never believed that sex had to be complicated or difficult, or that I should pay for it financially or otherwise.

And to the poster who felt they read a different thread to me, no, we have different views. At no point have I said I think the OP should sleep with him, I clearly said she should do what she wants to! And what she’s comfortable with, and I stick by that. No person should be having sex if they don’t want to, but I also don’t think anybody should be bargaining with it either.

@ChristOnAPeloton

“ And I also don't agree with your point that his view is valid or right. Free and easy sex? In what world??”

My world for starters.

If I fancied shagging the bloke I was on a date with, I did.

Last one is still here 9 years later.

That's fine. And that worked out for you.

But OP doesn't want to yet.

And just because free and easy sex works for you doesn't mean that it's for everyone.

[quote Takemetothebar]@ChristOnAPeloton my world too.

I have never believed that sex had to be complicated or difficult, or that I should pay for it financially or otherwise.

And to the poster who felt they read a different thread to me, no, we have different views. At no point have I said I think the OP should sleep with him, I clearly said she should do what she wants to! And what she’s comfortable with, and I stick by that. No person should be having sex if they don’t want to, but I also don’t think anybody should be bargaining with it either.[/quote]
That was me.
I can't find anything suggesting OP is bargaining, witholding or using it

She is simply setting standards before she is sure she is ready to sleep with him. Nothing wrong with that.

It's not that sex has to be complicated, but it doesn't necessarily need to be free and easy either.

@RootyT00t lol you need to work on your reading comprehension

It really doesn't sound as if the two of you are compatible.

[quote Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]@RootyT00t lol you need to work on your reading comprehension[/quote]
You need to work on your manners.

What have I misunderstood?

@RootyT00t

I read phrases like “doesn’t deserve it”, “not enough effort”, “communication and consistency in return for opening legs” and expecting sex without earning it and that she would have slept with him if he hadn’t mentioned it and talked about it so.

The latter messages by the op paint the man differently admittedly.

@GreenlandTheMovie

What kinds of things is he saying to you that make you feel uncomfortable with him OP?

I met a guy off OLD for lunch last summer, he seemed OK but then in his messages afterwards, he would start trying to turn the conversation towards sex. I told him a few times I wasn't comfortable with that, but he kept doing it. In one message he said "So are you saying you will have sex with me?" and I blocked him.

I then thought what if I met up with him again and he raped me or something? He would simply be able to say I'd said that I had agreed to have sex with him.

It's really hard to describe to people who have never experienced men behaving like this how disconcerting it is.

He asked me how often I masturbated after our first date. He sent me a YouTube video of a relationship coach giving his opinion to a caller who was also discussing holding back on sex, and the coaches advice was obviously in his favour. He makes jokes about the fact that we’re not having sex. It just makes me feel under pressure. There’s more but that’s what comes to the front of my mind. I’m sorry that happened to you and good for you for blocking him! @GreenlandTheMovie

@RootyT00t yes. Standards is exactly what I’m setting here. Thankyou.

@RootyT00t

It's not that sex has to be complicated, but it doesn't necessarily need to be free and easy either.

You and I can agree to disagree here. I think sex should always be free. I don’t ever want to have to do anything in return, and I don’t expect my partners to ever do something in return either. Favours for sex seems grim to me. I have sex because I want to and the person I’m doing it with wants to. That’s it.

It shouldn’t be this angsty at this stage, you should both want emotional and physical intimacy (even if you’d agreed to hold on the latter). As it is you both appear disengaged, so I’d finish up.