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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Takemetothebar · 13/02/2021 23:18

I agree with @garlicwhorl and @Onjnmoeiejducwoapy completely.

Have sex or don’t, your choice. But this approach of deserving, bargaining, withholding as a punishment, transactions is just odd and to me, manipulative and unpleasant.

Just walk away, for both your sakes.

cravingthelook · 13/02/2021 23:18

If I was him I'd be seriously worried about your immature attitude to sex

Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 23:20

To be frank, it’s clear he’s not the guy for you, else sex would be natural

Look, he’s allowed to have sex with you and then later decide he doesn’t see anything long term happening. There’s nothing he can say/do to guarantee he’ll stick around after you sleep together, no assurances are set in stone.

Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 23:20

So it’s whether you want to sleep with him regardless or not, or just end it here if you’re not into it

MRex · 13/02/2021 23:21

All this angst and drama over someone you don't even want to sleep with is ludicrous. You aren't interested in him, so move on.

Takemetothebar · 13/02/2021 23:22

@Missrhodes

So you don’t think the biggest red flag is expecting sex when you have put it no effort for it?

This is so fucked up. No, I don’t think it’s a massive red flag is someone doesn’t think they have to “earn” sex and put a whole load of effort into “getting it”.

Sex is often used by woman on here as a discretionary item that can be withheld if the husband doesn’t do his own laundry or whatever. It’s just awful. That’s a slippery slope I don’t want to personally ever start down.

Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 23:23

Also to some people, it doesn’t make sense to commit to a long term relationship without having sex. Sex is their love language so no point in them investing time with someone they’re not sexually compatible with

mootymoo · 13/02/2021 23:23

To be honest when I was dating I knew after one date that it seemed like something special and after two I was certainly ready to try before I buy - no point pursuing a relationship if you are incompatible in the bedroom department!

After 2 month of course he's bringing it up. But it's your choice, I just think that you need to be upfront with him that you want to wait x months

Pluas · 13/02/2021 23:24

@Somanysplitends

Saying he doesn't deserve it is really weird to me. Like you're a prize he has to earn and that sex has no benefit to you. If you're not into him then fine, move on. If you want to wait, that's fine too but saying he has to earn it is weird to me
This. Obviously, never have sex you don’t want to have under any circumstances, but sex as some kind of reward for ‘effort’ is pretty retrograde.
Original poster
Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 23:25

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

Are you teasing him with the idea of having sex with him? Alluding that you might have sex with him if he shows, does or proves X, y or z? It just seems like you're the one not letting it happen naturally or organically, as though you have a set idea about what he has to do, say or prove first before you'll consider sleeping with him. He's allowed to want to have sex with you and think that this might be a natural progression of a consensual new relationship. You're more than allowed to not want to have sex with him, especially if you think he's being a sex pest. What creeps into mind games territory though is the suggestion from your posts that you are expecting certain things from him (but not necessarily telling him what), hoping he will pass some sort of test you have in mind, before you'll consider sleeping with him. Have you told him what 'making an effort' looks like to you? Do you make the same effort with him? If it's that much of an effort just finish with him, though. It does sound like it's already slightly disappointing for both of you and if that's the case after just a couple of months then I probably couldn't be arsed to be honest.
I have told him I would like to spend more time together but his hypothetical response is that more time spent together is reserved for girlfriends. I have made an effort by attempting to spend quality time together, driving to his house, buying him things he likes, helping him find a place to rent. I like to chat he likes to text which I have explained, which he did change tbf but it’s gone back to texting which I have compromised on. He thinks I’m selfish because the only thing he seems to want (sex) I’m not giving.
OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 13/02/2021 23:25

Sorry OP I hope I wasn’t too harsh before. I think you’re coming to relationships from a place of insecurity and seeing your own worth in terms of sex, rather than looking at what else you have to offer. Your approach is actually underselling yourself and screams insecurity, which will only attract the worst sort of men. The LAST thing you want is the man who puts in a big “effort to get sex”, these are the men who will screw you and then get bored.

Also remember a relationship is a learning curve for you both, if you are sleeping with someone as part of a relationship and they end things down the line that doesn’t mean they are taking advantage of you for sex, that’s a normal healthy relationship where one person realises it’s not a match.

Women have so much to bring beyond sex, it upsets me to see you value yourself like this.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/02/2021 23:25

Ditch him ,he is a waste of space.

minnie465 · 13/02/2021 23:25

Move on. You are not suited. Simple as that.

Original poster
Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 23:26

@Jackie2022

Also to some people, it doesn’t make sense to commit to a long term relationship without having sex. Sex is their love language so no point in them investing time with someone they’re not sexually compatible with
Right now I want effort not commitment! @Jackie2022
OP posts:
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 13/02/2021 23:27

OP would rather he 'made an effort' to get her to want to sleep with him rather than her getting to know the real him and wanting to sleep with him naturally. I'd feel deceived if someone pretended they were someone they are not just to get me to sleep with them.

RootyT00t · 13/02/2021 23:28

@Norwayreally

It’s supposed to be really easy at this stage and also natural. I don’t think many people withhold sex for months, it’s normal to want to have sex with someone you’re attracted to. Maybe you’re not really that into him.
OP is not witholding sex!
RootyT00t · 13/02/2021 23:29

@Takemetothebar

I agree with *@garlicwhorl and @Onjnmoeiejducwoapy* completely.

Have sex or don’t, your choice. But this approach of deserving, bargaining, withholding as a punishment, transactions is just odd and to me, manipulative and unpleasant.

Just walk away, for both your sakes.

I don't think we read the same thread.
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 13/02/2021 23:30

Just read your latest post @Missrhodes and I want to give you a hug. This is NOT how you get a guy to respect you or to like you. He doesn’t particularly want to spend time with you, you don’t want to sleep with him, it’s not going anywhere and there’s no point trying to force it. Stop buying him things and doing things for him, that is a great way to attract a guy with zero respect for you.

RootyT00t · 13/02/2021 23:30

Some ridiculous responses here OP.

Of course you want to feel secure and that things are right before you sleep with him. Jesus.

Original poster
Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 23:30

@BilboBercow

Have you been reading a lot of books about relationships recently op? I feel like you have quite a misogynistic view of sex. Like others have said, it's not something a man pursues that a woman gives into after a certain level of effort.

The "open my legs" comment is very telling. While it's of course fine for you to want to wait, I wouldn't personally hang around for 2 months while I was just getting to know someone. It's all very hard work.

Hi @BilboBercow I have been watching mindful attraction on YouTube Smile why is it hard work if you are attracted to someone beyond sex?
OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 13/02/2021 23:30

After 2 months of getting to know someone, if you're not really looking forward to going to bed with him, I'd say you don't really fancy him.

Just move on, he's not for you.

Original poster
Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 23:32

@RootyT00t

Some ridiculous responses here OP.

Of course you want to feel secure and that things are right before you sleep with him. Jesus.

@RootyT00t THANKYOU! I want to feel valued. Why is that so hard to comprehend? I want to feel desired beyond my body.
OP posts:
RootyT00t · 13/02/2021 23:34

I've no idea. Must be an odd hour on here tonight. You do it when you're good and bloody ready.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 13/02/2021 23:34

You're turning sex into a 'thing' it needn't be. You're turning yourself into a conquest. When/if he (potentially, in his mind) finally gets you to want to sleep with him, he has the power of feeling like he's won. He's put on a good enough act for you to fall for it and have sex with him. And then what? Do you think that will make him respect you? My money would be on no. I just can't see how this relationship will be successful. Time to walk away.

ElizaLaLa · 13/02/2021 23:34

There is so much wrong with this relationship. Where would you start Confused

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