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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 14/02/2021 15:14

I tend to feel like the more someone goes on about getting access to my fanny before I’m ready to grant it, the very much less chance they have of getting it.

You would do well to adopt a similar mantra OP. Sexual harassment really isn’t an attractive quality in a potential partner, even if it is accompanied by flowers and chocolates.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 15:18

My OH is a kind and decent person but he's like that because that's how he is, not because I'm trying to get him to earn something. He'd be like that whether he was shagging me or not.

Absolutely. Same.

Jollygoodtime · 14/02/2021 18:49

I already posted but just got thinking, I think your instinct is telling you no but you’re keeping on trying to get him to be better. I can understand why people find it hard to leave someone after many years together but a relationship like this, so early on, I’d be off like a shot.

kittycorner · 15/02/2021 03:29

I get what you mean @Missrhodes wanting to be valued, and know someone wants a relationship with you, not just sex.

I think there are red flags here and if I were you I'd move on. It's clear you want different things and his communication seems to be very different to yours, among other things.

Createsuser · 15/02/2021 07:34

Ou’ve answered your own question. He’s not putting much effort in and pressurising you for sex. If you have sex with him you will regret it. Go with your gut feeling.

EllasAuntie · 15/02/2021 07:39

Personally I wouldn't want to waste too much time on someone before knowing we were sexually compatible.

It's not about sexual incompatibility .

Its about emotional incompatibility.

A lot of people aren't understanding the OP's point of view.

Most women (unless they want a ONS) want some kind of emotional connection and to like the man.

The OP has neither but she won't admit it as she's desperate for a chap, it seems.

RestingPandaFace · 15/02/2021 07:59

@Missrhodes

We have great sexual chemistry. We have been intimate. I have just held back on sex because I felt like other areas of the relationship were lacking *@CSIblonde*
If other areas of the relationship ship are lacking two months in then it isn’t going to get better.

I completely understand holding off until there’s some kind of connection, but 2 months in things shouldn’t he hard (no pun intended)

You should absolutely value yourself enough not to have sex with someone that there’s no connection with, but if there’s no connection 2 months in what’s going to make things change?

VanillaAndOrange · 15/02/2021 09:02

I think it's very rare nowadays for people to be "going out" and consider themselves a couple but not have sex, unless it's because one of both of them have religious reasons for not wanting to have sex before marriage. You say you have slept with other boyfriends, so that obviously isn't the case here. If he is distancing himself from you a bit, it may be because he assumes your lack of enthusiasm for sex means you don't really want to be with him at all - and it sounds as if, subconsciously, you don't.

Don't set him "tests" to see if he is worthy of sex with you, either finish with him now if you can be sure that's what you want or put your cards on the table, let him know exactly what you need from him in order to continue the relationship (don't tie it specifically to sex) and see if he is prepared to give it.

Newnameagain111 · 15/02/2021 09:19

Sounds like you want the serious relationship and commitment before the sex, and sounds like he thinks sex is part of what makes a relationship committed and serious.

Neither of you are wrong it’s just a mismatch for expectations about what signals mean you are serious about each other.

I’d say that he’s hardly after you ‘just’ for sex if he’s stuck around for 2 months already without it.

Tbh at the moment sounds like you are teetering on the edge of dumping him anyway over this. You say you do actually want to sleep with him. Why not sleep with him then, and see if things improve? Maybe that will give him the sign of commitment he’s looking for from you?

If nothing changes then move on.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 15/02/2021 09:25

Why not sleep with him then, and see if things improve?

Seriously? Completely ignoring the res flags and this guy is not right for OP, but yeah sleep with him in a desperate attempt to make a relationship "work". Especially when she has reservations about it, and rightly so.

babyyodaxmas · 15/02/2021 10:34

If I fancied him, I'd sleep with him, whether or not I thought the relationship had legs. You never know might be fantastic.

GreenlandTheMovie · 15/02/2021 10:45

@VanillaAndOrange

I think it's very rare nowadays for people to be "going out" and consider themselves a couple but not have sex, unless it's because one of both of them have religious reasons for not wanting to have sex before marriage. You say you have slept with other boyfriends, so that obviously isn't the case here. If he is distancing himself from you a bit, it may be because he assumes your lack of enthusiasm for sex means you don't really want to be with him at all - and it sounds as if, subconsciously, you don't.

Don't set him "tests" to see if he is worthy of sex with you, either finish with him now if you can be sure that's what you want or put your cards on the table, let him know exactly what you need from him in order to continue the relationship (don't tie it specifically to sex) and see if he is prepared to give it.

Its only been 2 months!

I don't think its "rare" to date for 2 months before sleeping with someone! Especially during a pandemic.

A man who can't stick around for 2 months before having sex is probably a bit of a hook up, or 3 nights and your're out type anyway. Waiting 2 months (or more) is actually pretty sensible.

LagunaBubbles · 15/02/2021 10:46

2 months in and things don't look likely they will change really.

RiverSkater · 15/02/2021 10:51

It's been two months under lockdown without the lovely usual dating outings. It's not that long! Grin

He asked you how often you masturbate after your first date, that's him seeing if you have any sexual desire or needs.

I see where you are coming from, to have a deeper emotional connection before having sex to see if you trust him and let go.

It sounds like you don't do, so it's best to finish it.

CharlieParley · 15/02/2021 11:15

I haven't RTFT, so someone else might have linked to this already, but I would recommend checking out

www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/

They have a very active subreddit

www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/

The don't just recommend not having sex until after you've been dating for three months, they also explain why that increases your chances of finding a man who respects your boundaries and values having a relationship with you.

I stumbled across the reddit recently and their advice made a lot of sense to me. (Haven't tried it though. As always, you need to make up your own mind if what they say might work for you.)

As for this guy, I would dump him. Two months in, you still don't feel a connection and he's withholding affection while you're withholding sex. That sounds very unhealthy to me.

daisychain01 · 15/02/2021 11:23

He asked you how often you masturbate after your first date, that's him seeing if you have any sexual desire or needs.

Apart from the massive invasion of a person's privacy after 2-3 hours of contact time (whatever gave him the right to know that, and undoubtedly it will be a standard question he asks - obviously to sift his best prospect of success), it's typical of a hardened sexual operator to prioritise knowing something for which they selfishly want to benefit. A big ick

Playnoh · 15/02/2021 11:31

[quote Missrhodes]@roastpotatoesss also you’re right it’s not a guarantee, but I won’t feel as bad as if I had slept with him quickly. Of course things don’t always work out but intention is what I would be looking at[/quote]
@roastpotatoesss it will feel worse if they decided they didn’t want to continue after waiting months for sex as they then know you and that’s a real rejection rather than just a one night thing. I think you’re convincing yourself that if you’ll wait you can turn him into a good guy, it doesn’t work like that.

GreenlandTheMovie · 15/02/2021 11:44

@roastpotatoesss it will feel worse if they decided they didn’t want to continue after waiting months for sex as they then know you and that’s a real rejection rather than just a one night thing. I think you’re convincing yourself that if you’ll wait you can turn him into a good guy, it doesn’t work like that.

I think the OP is really just finding out what he is really like.

When you have known people when they were younger, and part of your friendship group, it can be difficult to reconcile what they are like maybe 10 years later.

That happened to me once. I remember a lovely, slightly shy, quite sweet guy who was a bit innocent. It was hard to reconcile that he had turned into a casual hook up guy with a bad Tinder habit, who wasn't a good bet for a relationship. Its cognitive dissonance, not a failure to read signs on the OP's part.

BertramLacey · 15/02/2021 12:55

He asked you how often you masturbate after your first date, that's him seeing if you have any sexual desire or needs.

Bollocks it is. There are many ways to work that one out, and none of them involve mentioning wanking to someone you barely know.

VanillaAndOrange · 15/02/2021 13:00

Its only been 2 months!

I don't think its "rare" to date for 2 months before sleeping with someone! Especially during a pandemic.

Thanks for the information (I'm genuinely not being sarcastic here). When I was younger I was sometimes teased and criticised about the fact that I hadn't slept with the 3 boyfriends I had before DH (I was 17, 20 and 20 - it was me who "didn't feel ready" the first time and the other person the other two times). I was genuinely made to feel it was unusual so I'm glad it wasn't so unusual after all!

LittleGwyneth · 15/02/2021 13:06

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch

Withholding sex won't make him respect you more or want a more serious relationship.

This is a misogynist idea implanted in women from way back, no sex before marriage ect.
It places importance on "innocence" and that being a normal sexual being, isn't what men want in long term gfs/wives. And that women who do have sex, are lower in standards.

If you want to have sex with him do, it won't change how he views you and your chance of having a good long term thing. It's been months now, fair enough wait until you see if you like him or not, but it's been two months. You should know and want to shag the pants off him.

Sounds to me like you don't? And that's a whole other issue.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
LittleGwyneth · 15/02/2021 13:08

@CharlieParley

I haven't RTFT, so someone else might have linked to this already, but I would recommend checking out

www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/

They have a very active subreddit

www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/

The don't just recommend not having sex until after you've been dating for three months, they also explain why that increases your chances of finding a man who respects your boundaries and values having a relationship with you.

I stumbled across the reddit recently and their advice made a lot of sense to me. (Haven't tried it though. As always, you need to make up your own mind if what they say might work for you.)

As for this guy, I would dump him. Two months in, you still don't feel a connection and he's withholding affection while you're withholding sex. That sounds very unhealthy to me.

This is such bollocks. If you have to game someone into respecting you / treating you well, they aren't someone worth dating.

I only ever had long term relationships before getting married, and I started all of them by sleeping with the guy in question within a month (sometimes far less).

If you start a relationship off with games and tricks then all you're ever going to have is games and tricks.

Yesmate · 15/02/2021 13:10

How much effort and “courting” can he do in the middle of a pandemic and lockdown?’

BeakyWinder · 15/02/2021 13:28

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I'm very sad and sorry women are made to feel that way by some men and grateful that has not been my experienc

Oh do bore off with you faux concern, and I'm not buying the Pat on your back you're giving yourself about how you've avoided shit men and bad sex, not for a minute.

How rude are you? You won't berate me into slut shaming myself for my experience, just because it's different to yours. You preach about men disrespecting women, yet your disgust for women shines through in your posts.
CharlieParley · 15/02/2021 15:44

This is such bollocks. If you have to game someone into respecting you / treating you well, they aren't someone worth dating.

I completely agree with you. Not only isn't someone like that not worth dating, I don't believe you can game someone into respecting you.

Which is why the Female Dating Strategy isn't about gaming guys into respecting women, it's about teaching women healthy boundaries, how to assert their boundaries, how to recognise red flags in behaviour and how to avoid bad guys.

It's not the female equivalent of those rather disrespectful dating strategies for guys.