AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

[Missrhodes]

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

Sounds like you want to be courted and all he wants is sex. many women accept shoddy and creepy treatment from men because it's become normalized in society. I personally wouldn't sleep with someone I'd only been seeing for a couple of months so I'm with you on this. Whatever happened to being a gentleman who takes his time and follows your lead? I feel for young women who have never experienced that and instead are treated like unpaid sexworkers. Run for the hills and find yourself a considerate old fashioned gent.

Since when did getting to know someone better over the space of 2 months turn into "withholding sex"?

I would absolutely walk away from a potential relationship if sex was off the cards for two months.

I would feel very rejected and part of building a romantic bond is having sex, otherwise it is no different to friendship.

You sound very hard to please. I would also question why somebody didn’t want to take a new relationship to the next level. It’s not peaty.

@Ohthatoldchestnut

If he's saying something is "reserved for girlfriends" that's probably indicative of him not seeing you in that light. If he's not stepping up and excited to spend time with you, sex or no sex, (which is generally the environment in which things flow naturally anyway and pretty essential as a basis of a LTR), he's not one worth pursuing. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

If you want a man to value you, you need to start valuing yourself (and withholding sex is not valuing yourself). It's playing a game to try and get his behaviour to change by using it as a bargaining chip - that is devaluing your worth and the exact opposite of what you intend. Be more discerning. And why would you be helping him with all that stuff? You are not his girlfriend, therapist, mother or estate agent. You do not need to earn his love and respect - you are lovable just for being you and the good ones will see that. And you'll get to the good ones quicker by ditching the less promising ones faster. Delete. Next.

Extremely well put thank you @Ohthatoldchestnut. I did those things because I do care about him and that was any way of showing effort but you’re right I am none of those things so it isn’t necessary. I guess those are the things I would like to be reciprocated and the effort I also wanted to see.

Just read you message where he asked you how often you masterbate after first date.. that’s creepy. That would put me off hugely.

I still stand by my previous message but this man sounds a no go anyway.

@shamalidacdak

Sounds like you want to be courted and all he wants is sex. many women accept shoddy and creepy treatment from men because it's become normalized in society. I personally wouldn't sleep with someone I'd only been seeing for a couple of months so I'm with you on this. Whatever happened to being a gentleman who takes his time and follows your lead? I feel for young women who have never experienced that and instead are treated like unpaid sexworkers. Run for the hills and find yourself a considerate old fashioned gent.

@shamalidacdak yes. I do want to be courted and when saying that to him he has said courting is a two way thing when you establish you like someone which is why I continue to make an effort as I am interested.

@Julianamechange

I would absolutely walk away from a potential relationship if sex was off the cards for two months.

I would feel very rejected and part of building a romantic bond is having sex, otherwise it is no different to friendship.

You sound very hard to please. I would also question why somebody didn’t want to take a new relationship to the next level. It’s not peaty.

How is wanting to see effort in the form of quality time, phone calls, consistency etc hard to please? are these not just basic necessities when you start dating someone whom you claim to like? @Julianamechange

I have told him I would like to spend more time together but his hypothetical response is that more time spent together is reserved for girlfriends.

You mean he doesn’t think of you as his girlfriend yet even though he wants sex? If that’s the case I don’t blame you OP.

@Quit4me

I totally get what the OP means. Why would you want to be most intimate and vulnerable with someone who you don’t feel fully connected to, esp if you are looking for a long term relationship out of it. It takes 2 to make a connection and maybe this lockdown just hasn’t facilitated that as well? However, on the flip side, I think you have probably spoken to him enough on fact time etc to know if he is right for you. That connection comes from far more than words and what he says he wants. It’s a gut feeling of how they make you feel inside. Words alone just don’t cut it and neither does only good sex. OP I think if you feel he is not putting in the energy now, and you are not feeling that connection you are very right not to age sex. If you have said you are not ready, and he is really interested in a long term relationship with you, he should wait until you are and not keep pestering. To be it sounds hard work and like the connection isn’t there for either of you really.

Perfectly put thank you @Quit4me

The replies you're getting are bizarre, OP. This is AIBU at its contrary worst. He sounds like a creep. You should take your time if that's what you want, ideally imo with someone better.

Op I think what you are saying in a way that is open to misinterpretation is that you want to establish that you are both on the same page in terms of wanting a long term committed relationship with each other before having sex. And he’s not showing you that, so you are a bit wary. And rightly so.
Go have a look at female dating strategy on reddit. I think you will like their approach. They, like me, would have told you to dump this guy a long time ago. And not for any reason to do with sex. He simply doesn’t want what you want.

Good luck to you

YABU to stay. It's 2 months in and the relationship already isn't working. So move on. This isn't the right relationship for you. I don't think you know what a healthy relationship looks like or you wouldn't be trying to make this one work. If he's not a good person naturally, he's not going to become one by magic just because you're withholding sex.

@CounsellorTroi

I have told him I would like to spend more time together but his hypothetical response is that more time spent together is reserved for girlfriends.

You mean he doesn’t think of you as his girlfriend yet even though he wants sex? If that’s the case I don’t blame you OP.

For full context his argument is if we have to wait to have sex (what I want), why can’t we wait to spend more time together (what he then wants). Alongside the girlfriend comment. He claims are both apparent examples and not his actual beliefs lol @CounsellorTroi

@Rainbowqueeen

Op I think what you are saying in a way that is open to misinterpretation is that you want to establish that you are both on the same page in terms of wanting a long term committed relationship with each other before having sex. And he’s not showing you that, so you are a bit wary. And rightly so. Go have a look at female dating strategy on reddit. I think you will like their approach. They, like me, would have told you to dump this guy a long time ago. And not for any reason to do with sex. He simply doesn’t want what you want. Good luck to you

I want to establish we are on the same page before sleeping with him. Of course things may not work out after but before that I can expect basic things such as effort, consistency, time, communication etc to make me feel like we are. I am open to having sex before going into a relationship, I just want to make sure (as best as possible) he atleast views me in that way @Rainbowqueeen

He just sounds like a twat and loser OP. Throw him back in the ocean!

I agree with the comments here about the value in getting to know someone for a few months, sex is easy to get but someone to actually respect and care for you is very rare

Ok guys - I think I know what your answers will be lol but should I be expecting something for Valentine’s from this guy? If he likes me like he claims he does, surely I would get an invite over and/or some flowers? Am I unreasonable to think this?

I’d be wanting sex after two months of dating tbh

But in saying that nobody owes anyone sex so you also are doing anything wrong but probably aren’t compatible

@Missrhodes

Ok guys - I think I know what your answers will be lol but should I be expecting something for Valentine’s from this guy? If he likes me like he claims he does, surely I would get an invite over and/or some flowers? Am I unreasonable to think this?

Do yourself a galantine’s treat and dump him!

@Missrhodes

Ok guys - I think I know what your answers will be lol but should I be expecting something for Valentine’s from this guy? If he likes me like he claims he does, surely I would get an invite over and/or some flowers? Am I unreasonable to think this?

YABU because he’s made it pretty clear that he’s shit, and if you keep wasting your time on him then you won’t meet someone decent.

If him getting you something tomorrow makes any difference towards how you feel about him, then you need to seriously examine your standards! Shit guy plus awesome flowers still means shit guy.

Personally I’d shag him tomorrow and dump him after, but only because I’d want the sex for myself after waiting two months but no way in hell would I DATE him

Tytya

Do the man a favour, and let him find a woman who does not have to debate the fine art of relationships.

I get you op. I waited three months before having sex with my now boyfriend because I wanted something more than just casual sex or a friends with benefits set up. I'm also 30. Men that are willing to wait are rare and it only works if they want the same thing and really like you. I explained I wanted to build a friendship as I think it's the basis of a good relationship. He agreed and six months in we are very happy, the sex is amazing, best I've ever had.

Again, this only worked because he really liked me and he wanted the same thing.

This guy isn't the one. Keep looking and you'll find him.

@1forAll74

Do the man a favour, and let him find a woman who does not have to debate the fine art of relationships.

@1forAll74 what i require is also the fine art of relationships but thanks!

@richestoriches

I get you op. I waited three months before having sex with my now boyfriend because I wanted something more than just casual sex or a friends with benefits set up. I'm also 30. Men that are willing to wait are rare and it only works if they want the same thing and really like you. I explained I wanted to build a friendship as I think it's the basis of a good relationship. He agreed and six months in we are very happy, the sex is amazing, best I've ever had.

Again, this only worked because he really liked me and he wanted the same thing.

This guy isn't the one. Keep looking and you'll find him.

Really happy for you and your partner! @richestoriches thankyou

@Missrhodes

Ok guys - I think I know what your answers will be lol but should I be expecting something for Valentine’s from this guy? If he likes me like he claims he does, surely I would get an invite over and/or some flowers? Am I unreasonable to think this?

No. He's already said he doesn't see you as a girlfriend. Cut your losses, make plans to do something nice for yourself, and don't waste the day holding out for validation that isn't going to be forthcoming.