AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

[Missrhodes]

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

@CharlieParley

This is such bollocks. If you have to game someone into respecting you / treating you well, they aren't someone worth dating.

I completely agree with you. Not only isn't someone like that not worth dating, I don't believe you can game someone into respecting you.

Which is why the Female Dating Strategy isn't about gaming guys into respecting women, it's about teaching women healthy boundaries, how to assert their boundaries, how to recognise red flags in behaviour and how to avoid bad guys.

It's not the female equivalent of those rather disrespectful dating strategies for guys.

I agree, in the past, women had boundaries because dating rules were old fashioned. Now you have to create those boundaries yourself or remember them. Things like the rules etc have good in them - keep your life busy, don’t drop all your plans at the last minute for a guy, keep healthy and fit . These are things we should all do. Instead , you see girls chasing after men who obviously aren’t interested and texting them 10x a day, putting up with the worst behaviour and justifying it. These aren’t games, they are guides to remember to value and respect yourself and bin off tosspots who don’t put any effort in

@CharlieParley

I haven't RTFT, so someone else might have linked to this already, but I would recommend checking out

www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/

They have a very active subreddit

www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/

The don't just recommend not having sex until after you've been dating for three months, they also explain why that increases your chances of finding a man who respects your boundaries and values having a relationship with you.

I stumbled across the reddit recently and their advice made a lot of sense to me. (Haven't tried it though. As always, you need to make up your own mind if what they say might work for you.)

As for this guy, I would dump him. Two months in, you still don't feel a connection and he's withholding affection while you're withholding sex. That sounds very unhealthy to me.

I guess the issue I have with some of this is the implications that a) women don't have straightforward sexual desires to fulfill and b) having consensual, enjoyable sex with someone who you later no longer want to date is negative.

Do those rules allow for just, you know, fancying a shag? If OP had wanted to fuck this guy on the first date, enjoyed it, then later decided he was a wanker was the sex she'd had previously wrong?

It just feels like female sexual desire and fulfilling it is treated as something that's only valid in a committed relationship. Like you can't just enjoy it.

I have the same distaste for songs etc that talk about sex being something men "get" and women "give".

Very sad how many people see sex as something external to a healthy relationship like once you’ve ticked all the other boxes then ding you’re basically granted the grand prize of sex. If the sex doesn’t work nothing else will in my experience so it seems ridiculous and quite unfeminist to hold it out like some sort of end game.

Late to the party here but the main thing is not sex in this thread. It’s that you don’t feel valued OP. I would say at 30 years old you must have a pretty good radar of what being valued feels like.
In other words, you don’t feel happy with this guy, which in itself explains easily why you don’t want to have sex with him.
So just move on! And next one will be a good one :)

@MrsTerryPratchett

I've shagged most of my LTR partners pretty soon. Because if that's shit, what's the point? If someone wanted to wait months, I'd probably not bother.

But if that's what you want, make if clear and stick to it. He either sticks around or doesn't.

Couldn’t have put it better myself

Good questions, thecatsthecats.

I didn't delve that deeply into the site, just read a number of articles, discussions and some of the sources they linked to. It's not the impression I got that female desire is judged, especially since they also talk about having fun with FWB rather than just serious relationships. Or that these are rules you have to follow. I saw it more as useful advice to pick and choose from (but that's how I treat pretty much all advice sites).

I always recommend not blindly following advice, not even advice tailored to you. The OP seemed to have some issues that subreddit addresses, hence my linking to it.

I have the same distaste for songs etc that talk about sex being something men "get" and women "give"

Surely the "giving" puts the woman in a position of power and choice.

The man may want to "get" it, but the woman can exercise her choice as to whether she wants to give it. She may choose not to, and that leaves the man disappointed. Shame. Oh wait, that's what the OP has decided, good for her! She's exercised her choice.