AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

[Missrhodes]

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

“Deserving” sex, WTF?

I wouldn’t date someone for months if they weren’t interested in having sex with me, because I’m an adult and sex is part of a relationship for me. Similarly if you only think you would want to have sex with him to control your relationship, then you shouldn’t be dating him.

I’m not surprised he’s not putting in much effort if he feels you’re not interested in him and constantly testing him, the biggest red flag for me is that he’s sticking around when you’re framing a relationship in such an unhealthy way. Honestly sounds like you don’t like him anyway, so just end it.

you would have had sex with him earlier if he hadn’t brought it up so much? but he did so you’re...punishing him?

this is all really weird. if you don’t want to have sex with him, fine, move on and find someone you do want to sleep with. But all this mental totting up of undeserving behaviour is a bit fucked up

You don’t sound very into him, perhaps look for someone you click better with.

Is the reason you decided not to rush into having sex this time because you believe this has clouded your judgement of relationships before? I can certainly identify with that. For me I want to see if there is enough intimacy there without sex first otherwise I feel sexual intimacy clouds the issue. If this is the reason and he doesn’t put in any effort, your new strategy is working, ditch him.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex before you feel a deeper connection with a person. I think it's strange that he doesn't think it's possible for you to spend a very pleasant night together in the same house/flat without having sex. People do it all the time! If he was really interested in getting to know you, I think he'd be more open to that possibility. Sex isn't everything. You need to know whether you fit together in other ways, too.

It does seem like you're probably not compatible or are looking for different things.

**should put a massive disclaimer on my comment, that is how I feel, I’m not saying it clouds everyone’s judgement!

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

“Deserving” sex, WTF?

I wouldn’t date someone for months if they weren’t interested in having sex with me, because I’m an adult and sex is part of a relationship for me. Similarly if you only think you would want to have sex with him to control your relationship, then you shouldn’t be dating him.

I’m not surprised he’s not putting in much effort if he feels you’re not interested in him and constantly testing him, the biggest red flag for me is that he’s sticking around when you’re framing a relationship in such an unhealthy way. Honestly sounds like you don’t like him anyway, so just end it.

I am interested in having sex with him but when it’s natural and not discussed so often, and when I feel I am desired beyond sex. Why is that difficult to understand? So you don’t think the biggest red flag is expecting sex when you have put it no effort for it? @Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Make sure you keep what you want front and centre. Sex is not a bargaining tool. If you want it, have it. If you don’t, don’t. Just remember it doesn’t mean commitment. With the right person you wouldn’t be agonising over this issue.

If after two months a guy I was seeing didn’t want to sleep with me, I’d be worried he just wasn’t interested.

BUT!!!! I would not be trying to pressure him, I would be worrying about it with friends and would probably tell him that I felt like he didn’t feel a spark, and would want an honest answer.

But to be frank, what you have does not sound great, you’re in what’s supposed to be the most exciting, romantic part of a relationship and you seem to be holding back because he’s not behaving the way you want him to. That’s fine, of course, you’re not obligated to sleep with anyone you don’t want to - but why bother?

@garlicwhorl

you would have had sex with him earlier if he hadn’t brought it up so much? but he did so you’re...punishing him?

this is all really weird. if you don’t want to have sex with him, fine, move on and find someone you do want to sleep with. But all this mental totting up of undeserving behaviour is a bit fucked up

To keep bringing up sex is a bit pesty and off putting. Interesting perspective though. @garlicwhorl

So you don’t think the biggest red flag is expecting sex when you have put it no effort for it?

no one should have to ‘put effort’ in to earn sex, it’s just...what happens between adults in a relationship. It’s not a reward, or transactional or something to be withheld to control the other person

@WumbenWimpundWoomud

Make sure you keep what you want front and centre. Sex is not a bargaining tool. If you want it, have it. If you don’t, don’t. Just remember it doesn’t mean commitment. With the right person you wouldn’t be agonising over this issue.

Funny you say It’s not a bargaining tool as he has also said this. I simply want to make sure it’s more than just sex he’s after @WumbenWimpundWoomud

“So you don’t think the biggest red flag is expecting sex when you have put it no effort for it?”

Yeah exactly my point, WTF op. “Effort” for sex is exactly why he’s mental to still be here. This is a relationship not a transaction. You need to seriously work on how you frame relationships.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

“So you don’t think the biggest red flag is expecting sex when you have put it no effort for it?”

Yeah exactly my point, WTF op. “Effort” for sex is exactly why he’s mental to still be here. This is a relationship not a transaction. You need to seriously work on how you frame relationships.

It’s not a transaction but I feel like basic things such as communication, consistency, time etc should be given for me to open my legs, if want to be taken seriously which I do @Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Also the more you identify sex as something men should work for and earn, the more you’re setting yourself up for dating as transactions, and men who don’t think of sex as something you actually do in a loving, committed relationship.

I wouldn’t date a man who considered sex to be something “earned” because I want sex to be something between people who respect each other.

'Making him wait' even though you've said you would have otherwise wanted to have sex with him sooner isn't going to make it a serious relationship or make him communicate in the way you want.

You either like him and see a future, or you don't. You obviously aren't getting what you want out of a relationship so far and neither is he as sex is obviously important to him so do both of you a favour and call it off?

I think your take on this is quite strange. It seems like this is about power/bargaining for you.

Regardless, it sounds like you want different things, and it's already not working out, so just walk away.

“Open my legs” is not the kind of concept that gets you taken seriously in a relationship. You’re literally making it into a challenge, like work hard to fuck me. Which is a great way to attract men who just want to fuck and dump, and alienate anyone actually interested in forming a strong, mature relationship.

It sounds as if you want to be sure before you sleep with him that he will value you and continue to work hard to please you and be attentive. he won't. if you can persuade him to do those things by not having sex with him, the minute you do, he will stop.

Men who are going to be nice to you (whatever "nice" means to you) will do that of their own accord whether or not you "put out" (a horrible phrase for a horrible way of thinking about it).

Seriously OP I’ve played this game, it’s not how to get a man that actually respects you. Might work for a few months but until you can engage with them maturely it’s just not going to last

@SenselessUbiquity

It sounds as if you want to be sure before you sleep with him that he will value you and continue to work hard to please you and be attentive. he won't. if you can persuade him to do those things by not having sex with him, the minute you do, he will stop.

Men who are going to be nice to you (whatever "nice" means to you) will do that of their own accord whether or not you "put out" (a horrible phrase for a horrible way of thinking about it).

@SenselessUbiquity yes! To be valued is what I want. And I totally agree with you.

Are you teasing him with the idea of having sex with him? Alluding that you might have sex with him if he shows, does or proves X, y or z?
It just seems like you're the one not letting it happen naturally or organically, as though you have a set idea about what he has to do, say or prove first before you'll consider sleeping with him. He's allowed to want to have sex with you and think that this might be a natural progression of a consensual new relationship. You're more than allowed to not want to have sex with him, especially if you think he's being a sex pest. What creeps into mind games territory though is the suggestion from your posts that you are expecting certain things from him (but not necessarily telling him what), hoping he will pass some sort of test you have in mind, before you'll consider sleeping with him. Have you told him what 'making an effort' looks like to you? Do you make the same effort with him?

If it's that much of an effort just finish with him, though. It does sound like it's already slightly disappointing for both of you and if that's the case after just a couple of months then I probably couldn't be arsed to be honest.

Raise your boundaries... He isn't making you feel comfortable... Dump him. Your gut instinct is warming you.

My goodness, you must have use a forbidden turn of phrase here and been lectured on it, while everyone knew what you meant.

Fwiw I think that sort of guy, who tries to turn the conversation towards sex when you make him aware you're uncomfortable with that and who is inconsistent in his love language, is usually a bit of a user or a player ie sees women as a commodity for sex.

Just a word of caution... Be careful not to be drawn onto talking about sex too much with him in any written form eg text or WhatsApp discussing when you might have sex with him, so you're giving him a written record of having said that...

Have you been reading a lot of books about relationships recently op? I feel like you have quite a misogynistic view of sex. Like others have said, it's not something a man pursues that a woman gives into after a certain level of effort.

The "open my legs" comment is very telling. While it's of course fine for you to want to wait, I wouldn't personally hang around for 2 months while I was just getting to know someone. It's all very hard work.

I think he needs to run for the hills to be honest