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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's affair partner

408 replies

jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

OP posts:
C0RAL · 13/02/2021 14:03

Yes its fine to be very upset by this.

Can you say more about what has happened? Why has your husband decided to end the affair now ?

AbsitivelyPosolutely · 13/02/2021 14:03

Just leave him.

hibernatingmama · 13/02/2021 14:04

Sorry you're going through this.

There clearly are going to be feelings between them though, or it would be a one night stand and not an affair. If you are going to forgive him anyway, he's already done the damage, you probably shouldn't have listened to the break up for your own sanity.

You sound surprised about their feelings. How long did it go on for? Did he come clean? What made you decide to try and forgive?

EuroTrashed · 13/02/2021 14:05

Did he know you were recording? How come you agreed a script for him? It doesn’t sound like he’s ending it voluntarily or sincerely; I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this shit

Devlesko · 13/02/2021 14:06

He's a liar and a cheat. They'll pick back up again as soon as you stop suspecting.
You can't trust him, why be with a lying cheat, I'm sure you deserve better.

Conkergame · 13/02/2021 14:07

YANBU - it sounds like he didn’t want to end it and didn’t regret it Sad

Did he decide himself to end it or did you tell him he had to make that call? It sounds forced.

Are you sure you want to try to save this marriage?

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 14:08

Are you not more upset about the affair? I find your op curious that it’s how he’s ended it that is bothering you.

Clearly he has feelings for her, and is deciding to save his marriage, but ultimately he’d choose her if it was simple.

I don’t understand why you told him what to say and were recording it? Does he know you were doing that?

RuggeryBuggery · 13/02/2021 14:08

That sounds very hard
But it sounds also like you might be in denial about there being feelings between them on both sides - not just her pursuing him.

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2021 14:09

He had an affair with her. Obviously there is going to be feelings for her.

OrigamiOwl · 13/02/2021 14:09

Like others have said it doesn't take sounds like he's ended it willingly.

DrManhattan · 13/02/2021 14:09

Get rid

MorrisZapp · 13/02/2021 14:10

Well she's a human too. Presumably your husband wasn't truthful to her either and now he's dumping her. He should be sorry, what kind of person would say 'right you can fuck off now' after being intimate with someone? He isn't being kind to you by being vile to her.

AlternativePerspective · 13/02/2021 14:10

Given you’re working on your marriage, I’m not sure why you would want her to be given a short sharp abrupt ending.

Presumably there were feelings involved here, and given he’s the married one I don’t think that he’s in the wrong for apologising to her.

OhioOhioOhio · 13/02/2021 14:11

When you are ready get rid of him.

WilsonMilson · 13/02/2021 14:12

If your husband was having an affair, obviously there were feelings involved. You are in complete denial if you don’t acknowledge that your husband has feelings for this woman and probably genuinely doesn’t want to hurt her. You can’t just turn off feelings like a switch and you’re being naive to think otherwise.

Clearly he’s in the wrong for having an affair, but you are being ridiculous if you think it’s as easy as that just to cut things off. And this is only the call you’re hearing, no doubt there will have been or will be other calls that you’re not party to.

Some relations can survive infidelity, some can’t. I think you need to think less about this call and more about the future of your marriage and whether this is something you can both get past.

HollowTalk · 13/02/2021 14:12

One thing I learned the hard way is that you can't tell your partner to end an affair. It has to come from them. I wouldn't be happy to hear that conversation- does he know you heard? I found all that shit made me a person I didn't want to be- suspicious, angry, betrayed, paranoid - so I ended it.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 13/02/2021 14:12

YABU to forgive him I'm tbh

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 14:13

Oh you’re the lady whose husband had an affair for ten years right?

I think everyone tried to tell you this was much deeper than you were thinking. And this call proves it

I’m not sure what you’re hoping peoooe will say, you don’t want anyone to know, and have no money and no where to go, and I think wish to stay for the ease /lifestyle/security?

Oversize · 13/02/2021 14:15

So you agreed a script that he then completely deviated from? See there's a behaviour pattern that's not changed.
How did the affair come to light

gobbynorthernbird · 13/02/2021 14:20

He's been in a relationship with this woman for 10 years. He's not going to burn his bridges, and he cares too much about her to tell her to fuck off.

PinkiOcelot · 13/02/2021 14:23

He was having an affair for 10 years?! OP I think you’ve got bigger problems than how he ended it tbh. Why are staying with him?

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 13/02/2021 14:27

10 years - come on OP. I think you need to get out of this situation and perhaps focus on the real issues.

Original poster
jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:30

I discovered he had been having a 10 year affair, four months ago I came across emails between them, I have really struggled since them, emotions all over the place. We have been married 38 years.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 14:34

Op, I think from your other threads, you’re basically staying together for convenience.

They are likely going to continue at some point. You need to make a decision is the lifestyle and convenience worth it. And also accept the risk at some point they may decide to be together, if something happens in her marriage, I’d say it’s likely.

I understand why you want to stay, I totally get it, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about the situation you’re in.

This is not a man begging for forgiveness and declaring his undying love and how he made a mistake.he’s basically telling you to shut it and get on with it.

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 14:35

He will be back with her as soon as he thinks the dust has settled. He cheated on you for 10 whole years
that’s a very long time to keep a lie going. He couldn’t even keep to your agreed script so he’s fallen at the first hurdle hasn’t he ?

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