Husband's affair partner

[jusstme]

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

He has made a decision based upon financial expediency. A 10 year affair is way more than infidelity, it makes a mockery of your marriage and family unit. He doesn’t want to lose property/cash/pension hence his decision. Don’t stay with someone because he doesn’t want to part with ££.

I’m sorry but it is creepy and controlling to give him a script and record his conversation.

If he wanted to end it he would have. If he needed your script you need to really think about what that means. He doesn’t love you. If you love your spouse you don’t have a decade long affair. Save yourself from this.

His affair was longer than my entire relationship with my husband. He clearly has deep feelings for this person. Be done with him.

You have bigger problems than what he said to her on the phone. Of course he should have been nice to her. And he WILL miss her, he has been in an extremely long term relationship with her. He doesn’t need to be cruel to her.

She isn’t an ‘affair partner’. She’s his girlfriend.

You need a divorce.

My God, I couldn’t even stay with this man.
I don’t know how you can even look at his cheating face. Ten years ffs
He will be going back to her, mark my words

YANBU to be upset. But my personal view is that you'll not get over it or trust him again. Once the trust is gone I don't think it can be repaired. Have you considered an exit plan?

Just get rid of him. If he loved you he wouldn't have had a 10 year affair. Regardless of what you both chose for him to tell her, it's not his feelings. He must love this woman to be with her for 10 years.

I haven’t seen these previous threads. Why on earth haven’t you told him to fuck off? Because A TEN YEAR AFFAIR has genuinely blown my mind. Surely you can’t forgive that?
He wasn’t interested in your marriage for the last TEN YEARS, why would he start now?
Or are you worried he’ll just go to her?

10 years affair . Are you hoping to keep him as a puppet now, giving him scripts of what to say for the sake of a doomed marriage?

How much shit do you want him to eat ?.

Honestly I would initiate divorce proceedings. He has had a mistress for ten years. He has been betraying you and dishonouring your marriage vows for a decade. That phone call hasn't ended that betrayal. You won't ever be able to trust him again. I think you need to see a solicitor and probably be checked over by a gum clinic as well.

If your husband only behaves the way you want him to behave while you're standing over him scripting his conversations then it's totally unsustainable.

And if he were to end a ten-year relationship by saying, "It's over, you mean nothing to me, never contact me again, goodbye" then he's clearly a bastard you shouldn't want anything to do with.

“You are in complete denial if you don’t acknowledge that your husband has feelings for this woman and probably genuinely doesn’t want to hurt her. You can’t just turn off feelings like a switch and you’re being naive to think otherwise.”
This^^

Plus you need to let this call go and concentrate on whether your marriage can survive this. Does he genuinely want to continue with the marriage or is it just easier.

How old are you @jusstme?

My father had affairs all his married life, my mother stayed with him because throwing his cheating arse out seemed like the worst option.
Now she is into old age with a man who cares little for her or her feelings. He is still having a bit on the side now, at 79. Fos knows how he manages it, his chicks are younger than me.

My mother wishes she'd left him years ago, when he first cheated on her in the 60's. Looking back on her life makes her very sad, weepy and makes her wonder what could have been.

Don't waste your life on him. 10 years shows quite some commitment to her, I can understand why he can't be cheerful to have to ditch her on your say so. It should be his decision to leave her, it's not yours to make.

Sorry but it sounds like its over.

He had an affair for 10 years and is probably still in love with her.

You are giving him scripts and recording his conversations.

Neither of these are good. He's a long term cheat and you're exerting a controlling relationship over him, which is abusive and no relationship at all. Imagine if the sexes were reversed on this one.

I think the writing is on the wall, sorry but it sounds like it's dead in the water. He's not happy and you are not happy.

hes a duplicitous cheating liar, but I still wouldnt expect him to be awful to her in a dumping.
Honestly with the seriousness of the deceit to have a 10 year affair - thats not so much an affair as having two relationships concurrently - a mistress. I dont see how you would be able to trust him again, whether or not he let her down gently or savagely

I can't even imagine how it feels to know your husband cheated on you for as long as my longest and most significant relationship after you've been married longer than I've been alive. But I also can't imagine staying with someone who seems to care more for sparing her feelings than yours. The way he minimized your hurt in the first thread is abhorrent.
You deserve to be loved by someone. Whether he is/was a good provider or not is irrelevant. I know it's all very complicated in terms of finances etc, but seriously, he knew you were going to listen to this call and he can't even act like he cares more about you than her, for your sake.

I can't believe how cutting some of the replies to the OP are.

In real life it's not as easy as 'LTB' especially if you're financially dependent, isolated, vulnerable etc. Those things aside 38 years is a long long time. Perhaps she's scared to start again or no longer knows who she is outside of the marriage.

What he has done is beyond the pale but how the OP proceeds is her decision. You don't get to berate her for not nodding along and leaving herself homeless/bankrupt/whatever else - when strangers on the internet order her to leave.

You again. Get real

You are absolutely vile.

I think a 10 year Affair is a long time TBH! Almost like a second marriage! Is he ending it because he wants to ,or because he got found out? What do you want for your future? A marriage lasting 38 years will not be easy to walk away from,but I wonder will you be able to trust him again ?

I’d dump my DH for cheating on me once, never mind 10 days, weeks, months or years.
He has ravaged your confidence and self esteem and that’s why you can’t leave him. Get your ducks in order and dump his arse. I’d string the bastard up and ruin him.

I bet when he becomes free to hook up permanently with LILO Lil the prospect won’t be so attractive.

@GreyFrenchique

I can't believe how cutting some of the replies to the OP are.

In real life it's not as easy as 'LTB' especially if you're financially dependent, isolated, vulnerable etc. Those things aside 38 years is a long long time. Perhaps she's scared to start again or no longer knows who she is outside of the marriage.

What he has done is beyond the pale but how the OP proceeds is her decision. You don't get to berate her for not nodding along and leaving herself homeless/bankrupt/whatever else - when strangers on the internet order her to leave.

You again. Get real

You are absolutely vile.

This. ^

10 year affair?

I'd be picking my self respect up off the floor and getting the hell away from him.

He's no prize, OP, and you've won nothing other than a lifetime of trust issues with him.

I would not stay with someone who's heart was elsewhere ,did you have no idea over the last 10 years ?
Make a good life without him ,you will never trust him again .
This betrayal will seep into every aspect of your life , i could not live wondering , what's he doing , thinking , where is he , has he contacted her ?
That kind of life will destroy you.
He probably will miss her after all that time .

Sorry OP but your naive to think a 10 year affair didn't have feelings behind it!

I've seen your other threads OP. It's heartbreaking after all these years but he doesn't make you happy, he won't ever make you happy. You need to have some self respect xx