Page 16 | Husband's affair partner

jusstme · 2021-02-13T14:00:08+00:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

Mittens030869 · 17/03/2021 18:46

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through with the loss of your DS, OP. I echo what other PPs have said, that you’d benefit from processing all that you’re going through in therapy. Decisions about your marriage can wait.

SionnachGlic · 17/03/2021 19:12

The 10 yr affair would worry me more than whatever was said on that last phone call. I understand why you felt emotionally weak at the time you found out but perhaps your strength & anger is coming to the surface now. Up to you if course if you stay in your marriage but I think focussing on the details of the call is distracting from the bigger picture which is the state of your marriage in general. How happy are you with him, really?

toocold54 · 17/03/2021 19:27

I'm still giving him endless questions and a constant reminder on a daily basis of how hurt I am, I know where he is every day, he texts me daily from his work, I know he's not seeing her, she stays too far away, I am so vigilant, there is no way he is seeing her. We really are doing okay under the circumstances

It doesn’t sound like you are both doing ok under the circumstances- you both sound miserable.

Christmasfairy2020 · 17/03/2021 20:16

Have you told her husband

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/03/2021 20:25

Op I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. The timing of your discovery could scarcely be worse, could it?

Could you perhaps look at getting individual counselling for yourself as a matter of urgency, to give you a safe space to grieve for your son and start to process your feelings around the affair?

I know that in your shoes I would be holding massive resentment towards my husband for "stealing" or "tainting" my grief for my son and distracting me (for want of a better phrase) from properly processing a bereavement. I would then, if I'm honest, start feeling guilty that I'd allowed the pain of that betrayal to stop me for even one moment thinking about my son. Then I'd swing back to anger at my husband... I know that I would be all over the place with my emotions.

Could you say to your husband that for now, you don't want to discuss anything further about the affair or the future of your marriage - you want him to just continue as normally as possible with the routine, while you grieve your son's loss, then when you feel you're in the right state of mind, to start discussing the future and where you both want to be. And at that time, if you want to stay together, then you can hammer out the details.

I really do wish you all the strength and peace in the world. Remember that all these people here can only say what they would do (or they like to hope they would!) - but they are not living your life. You are living it, so the only person you are accountable to is yourself. As long as you are happy with your decision, then it's the right decision. You don't need to justify it to anyone.

Lovetoplan · 17/03/2021 20:41

I have a different point of view, bear with me. The man involved here has clearly lied for the ten years of the affair, is definitely selfish but he may not be a totally bad person. Only he knows why he chose to run two relationships (may be more?) simultaneously. He might have issues himself that he needs to deal with - I am wondering about his family situation and upbringing. OP if you think he is a good man and you love him may be try to find out a little more about why he did what he did. There is a possibility you could build something better from the ashes of his situation. Let's not just discard people out of hand because they have made a mistake. I hope the outcome whatever that may be is what you want.

Original poster

jusstme · 17/03/2021 20:48

No, but I have been really tempted.

OP posts:

Original poster

jusstme · 17/03/2021 20:49

Thank you.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 18/03/2021 06:29

Please get some proper counselling to help you see with clarity.

Agree

Sending best wishes

Crumble99 · 05/04/2021 17:09

.

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 11/04/2021 08:43

How are things now between you, jusstme? It's been 6 months since you discovered the affair and 38 years together is a long time. I get that you are probably very fearful about leaving him and there's investment in the relationship after that long. The only way one can overcome an affair, of any length, is when the betrayer is congruent in their decision, remorseful, breaks off all contact and tries convincingly and unconditionally to save the relationship with the person who's been betrayed. If those elements aren't there, it will not work, the affair won't end or another will start. If he's playing the victim in this, then that's worrying too and a sign that "You made me end the affair" and he's not going to commit to you. He's not committed to the other woman either, is he! I am sure we'd all like to hear your update. You deserve better and I hope you get it.

Original poster

jusstme · 11/04/2021 09:10

We're still together, he's doing everything that's needed to help, I know where he is at all times, when he's not at work he's here with me, we talk and spend time together, I still have my off days but he always comforts me, he understands my anger, and he takes full responsibility for it. I feel very close to him, communication and talking is vital. We both agree that we wouldn't be happy apart, so we will get through this together, I know he will never do this to me again, if I didn't, it would be so much harder to get through this.

OP posts:

pam290358 · 11/04/2021 09:19

A 10 year affair cant/won’t be ended that easily - the fact that it’s gone on for so long proves emotional involvement, and that’s the real betrayal isn’t it ? He’s confirmed this with the words he used when he ended it - knowing that you would hear what was said and be hurt by it. I could maybe forgive a one night stand as a one off lapse, but I’m struggling to understand why you would stay with a man who allowed himself this kind of involvement after what, 28 years of marriage ? Don’t imagine this is over - he’s had his cake and eaten it too for the last ten years and it will be hard for him to live without it. 38 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and breaking up with him would be hard, but he’s committed the ultimate betrayal and you’ll never be able to trust him again. The question you need to ask yourself is whether you can live with that.

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 11/04/2021 09:20

jusstme, you sound more settled. Thanks for letting us know how things are. It's not easy and there will be a grieving process, up and down, anger and sadness, denial, etc. If he has said he wouldn't be happy apart from you, then he needs to commit to that, no one foot in, one foot out. He cannot have his cake and eat it.

It is absolutely normal for someone whose been betrayed to have the right to know where he is, have access to his phone, email, etc. This, infact, is part of the healing process and many people who work in the field of relationship recovery say it is a must - the betrayer must give, unreservedly, full access to not only themselves but their diaries, phone, mail, answering questions from the betrayed partner without censorship until the betrayed feels they are trusting their partner again. In other words, he needs to build trust with you again and be an open book. That's the only way forward, that and open, truthful communication both ways.

Good luck - you deserve peace.

SRS29 · 11/04/2021 09:23

OP I really admire you trying to work this through, I know I couldn't, once the trust is gone that would be me done. Good luck x

81Byerley · 11/04/2021 09:28

I struggled for a year after I found out about my husband's affair. Eventually I told him it was over. He married her, and then found that the grass wasn't any greener.... he's with his 3rd wife now, and apparently not ecstatically happy there either. If I could go back and give myself some advice, it would be to have told him to leave straight away. Living alone isn't as scary as you think. There are some big advantages, and you'd have the chance to meet someone who REALLY wants to be with you.

S111n20 · 11/04/2021 10:20

I know where he is at all times,

Op I really feel for you, all the hurt you have been through but that is not a healthy way to live. Wishing you all the best.

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 11/04/2021 10:32

@S111n20

I know where he is at all times,

Op I really feel for you, all the hurt you have been through but that is not a healthy way to live. Wishing you all the best.

You're right, it's not a healthy way to live, but it has only been 6 months and trust needs to be rebuilt. It will take much longer than 6 months. He needs to be an open book for trust to be rebuilt.

WallaceinAnderland · 11/04/2021 10:53

@Lovetoplan

I have a different point of view, bear with me. The man involved here has clearly lied for the ten years of the affair, is definitely selfish but he may not be a totally bad person. Only he knows why he chose to run two relationships (may be more?) simultaneously. He might have issues himself that he needs to deal with - I am wondering about his family situation and upbringing. OP if you think he is a good man and you love him may be try to find out a little more about why he did what he did. There is a possibility you could build something better from the ashes of his situation. Let's not just discard people out of hand because they have made a mistake. I hope the outcome whatever that may be is what you want.

Sod that. He did it because he could and he wanted to. That's it.

He carried on happily until it affected him in a negative way.

He's a selfish bastard and I would most definitely turf him out and let him live the consequences of his choices. The cheating woman won't have him, that's for sure, she's happy in her cushy set up and has plenty of other married men to shag.

OldEvilOwl · 11/04/2021 11:13

He doesn't deserve your forgiveness OP. You must be devastated, and its probably for the best not to rush into any decisions at the moment. Counselling sounds like a really good idea. Does her husband know?

Original poster

jusstme · 11/04/2021 11:30

I've never told him, I don't know him. I've certainly thought about letting him know, especially when I'm having a bad day, he has a Facebook page which I could easily message him on. Then I think of the consequences, he might turn up at my door and cause a lot of trouble, I wouldn't want that.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 11/04/2021 11:32

How would he turn up at your door? Does he know you?

Personally, I would copy and paste the email from her and send him that.

ConfusedAsAlways42 · 11/04/2021 12:36

@OldEvilOwl

He doesn't deserve your forgiveness OP. You must be devastated, and its probably for the best not to rush into any decisions at the moment. Counselling sounds like a really good idea. Does her husband know?

When my husband had an affair with my "friend", I alerted her husband, who I knew, for various reasons - neighbours knowing about it all (they lived around the corner), if DH said he'd stopped the affair then he would be alert to any further deception, etc, plus I would have hated her husband to know and not tell me. However, he had known, or at least suspected and turned the blame on me for calling it out. He wanted to just quietly get on with pretending it would go away.

If you suspect your husband might be playing away again, then it might be prudent to contact him to confirm your suspicions. I get you don't want to tell him now, 6 months after you've begun to try and mend trust and the relationship.

Forgiveness... I don't believe in it at this level of betrayal. I'm not saying we should harbour resentment but I think acceptance is key, rather than forgiveness. And understanding is key too, rather than forgiveness. If we try to forgive and then we find we're feeling upset or angry at the betrayal again, we then beat ourselves up for not feeling forgiving again. It's a long process. Forgiveness seems to draw a line underneath the act of betrayal and it's not that simple.

I get people say "leave him" but we are all individual. Don't let him fool you again though, would be my advice. You deserve loyalty after being so loyal.

Original poster

jusstme · 11/04/2021 14:56

She knows our address, she could possibly tell him.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 11/04/2021 15:54

@jusstme

She knows our address, she could possibly tell him.

Is that likely though? And even if he did travel all that way to visit, you don't have to let him in.

It's up to you OP, you seem to be defeated but you've have been through a lot and I can see why there is no fight left in you.