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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's affair partner

408 replies

jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 13/02/2021 14:36

For the first time I actually haven't been able to vote because I cannot pick between YABU and YANBU. Of course you are not being unreasonable to be hurt by that conversation. It must have been like a knife in the heart. But he had an affair with her, he does care about her and yes will not want to hurt her feelings. He also, truthfully, probably will miss her! In this sense YABU because you will need to accept this if you want to stay with him - this is the reality of the situation.

PitAndPut · 13/02/2021 14:36

As kindly as possible OP, it's been 10 years. Of course there are feelings there between them. It must be horrible for you to hear, I'm not sure I'd have put myself through listening to it tbh but I'm not surprised that he's apologised and said he doesn't want to hurt her. You don't carry on with someone for 10 years without there being feeling involved.

I'm not sure I could stay in your shoes. This level of deceit would just eat me up completely. Is it really worth it?

After 10 years I really can't see this being the last you've heard of this woman, sorry.

Sittingonabench · 13/02/2021 14:37

Raise it with him. Be direct and tell him what your concerns are (this conversation and the ongoing issue -that by comforting her he has hurt you and that she is more likely to hold a torch and see him as caring so it is not a clean break). After 38 years and a 10 year affair if you cannot hold him to account then this will not work out. I’m so sorry and understand your emotions must be all over the place. Please take time and think what you want from the future as I’m not sure many could truly forgive this and trying to might well be harder than pushing forward independently. So sorry.

MissMarpleDarling · 13/02/2021 14:37

Of course he doesn't want to stop seeing her. They have had a 10 year relationship. That's longer than alot of marriages. If she meant nothing he wouldn't have gone against his vows and picked her over you in the first place. You lost him 10 years ago, what are you doing OP....

WhySoSensitive · 13/02/2021 14:38

A ten year affair? That’s not a small mistake that's a long term committed mistake.
He didn’t want to end it and has left a soft ending so he can go back once things calm down at home.

38 years or not, I’d be ending it.

MissMarpleDarling · 13/02/2021 14:39

He only said he would end it as you found out. He doesn't want to. She will still be there OP he will lie to you as he has been for 10 years.

rawalpindithelabrador · 13/02/2021 14:40

You again. Get real. He doesn't want to end it with her. He won't, either, he'll be back at it as soon as he thinks the coast is clear. It's been 10 years.

supersop60 · 13/02/2021 14:40

YANBU for wanting him to have a clean break and go NC with OW.
However - it sounds like he's not prepared to do that, which suggests to me he is not really committed to saving his marriage.
What stands out is that he has shown no remorse, which is essential for you to move on.
Is he sorry? or does he just want you to shut up and maintain the status quo?
Get angry OP.
How DARE he treat you like this.

Pechanga · 13/02/2021 14:41

10 years is a committed relationship, with plenty of deep emotions involved. I'm pretty sure it'll take more than a 3 minute conversation to properly end it - does he even want to end it?

I don't think you'd have felt any satisfaction from anything he said to her - there's no reassurance or comfort for you to be had here.

I think you need to not waste another minute of your life on him, I really don't think any marriage could recover from10 years of betrayal- I'm so sorry.

katy1213 · 13/02/2021 14:43

You shouldn't be listening in to his phone calls. If there's that little trust between you, better end it.

Nel90 · 13/02/2021 14:43

They have been in an relationship for 10 years. He clearly has feeling for her, the phone conversation is evidence of that Flowers

C0RAL · 13/02/2021 14:43

Is this the cheating husband who said that his AP was a “tramp” who meant nothing to him, after a 10 year relationship?

And why is he “ ending it “ now in February when D day was last October?

IIRC, last time MNers told you to get legal advice , as you claimed you couldn’t leave because you had no money. So what did the solicitor say?

friendlycat · 13/02/2021 14:44

I’m sorry OP but this really doesn’t bode well. Ten years involvement is a long time not a blip in a marriage.

You then didn’t hear what you wanted to hear in the “breakup speech”. Does this really sound like a man desperate to keep his marriage and to make amends? But the real problem is can you really accept his relationship with another woman that lasted ten years and would still be continuing if you had not recently found out.

Then you listened to him telling her it’s over and you don’t feel at all reassured. Can you live like this? Do you want to spend your life going forward with all this bitterness, only you can decide.

Muskox · 13/02/2021 14:44

YANBU to feel upset by this OP. But you need to recognise that this conversation is a symptom of a much deeper issue (i.e. the fact that he cared for her) - this is the thing you should be upset about.

Shahira78 · 13/02/2021 14:44

Totally unforgivable. 38 years or not.
If you loved yourself more, you wouldnt have to deal with this.

ballsdeep · 13/02/2021 14:44

10 years?!?!
And you sat there and listened to him tell her he will miss her ?!
I'm sorry op you need to get a back bone and throw his cheating ass out.
He'll be back with her in no time at all. He deceived you for ten years! A decade! He's been lying to you , cheating on you, sleeping with this woman, holding her, telling her he's loves her since 2011!!!!
As pp says, he'll be back with her soon
How could you ever trust him to even nip to Tesco without thinking he'll be with her?

SarahBellam · 13/02/2021 14:44

A 10 year affair? Oh Lord no. That’s not going to end in a three minute phone call. It must be incredibly difficult for you to stay with a man like that.

SpringtimeBluebells · 13/02/2021 14:44

10 year affair
dumps by deviating from the pre agreed script
he still loves her but feels duty bound to you and is doing this for you - doesn't mean he loves you though...
No winners here.
Why do you want to be with this man who has cheated on you for 10 years and then obviously still wants other woman....?

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2021 14:45

He’s cheated on you for a decade
You should divorce him

AlwaysCheddar · 13/02/2021 14:45

Why the hell would you want to be with him?

SpringtimeBluebells · 13/02/2021 14:45

Meant to add - give it a few weeks and when he thinks you are happy and not looking he will restart this affair up... because he can

DinosaurDiana · 13/02/2021 14:46

10 year affair ? You’re very forgiving, I wouldn’t be.

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 14:46

I think even if he doesn’t see her again (highly unlikely) she will always be in his thoughts which is a betrayal in itself.

Aprilx · 13/02/2021 14:46

You have made the choice to forgive this and work on the marriage which is your prerogative, you can insist he needs to end the affair. But I don’t think you can insist on the words he uses to do that. She is going to be upset, most of us don’t like upsetting people and he will want to be as kind as possible. He is probably upset himself too.

hammeringinmyhead · 13/02/2021 14:47

Oh OP. 10 years is the same length as my marriage. Him "ending it" (yeah right) with an abrupt call wouldn't have proved anything about his desire to stay even if he'd done it.