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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's affair partner

408 replies

jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

OP posts:
Sunflowergirl1 · 13/02/2021 16:16

@jusstme . I'm sorry but the reality is that he loves her rather than you, or at least loves her a lot more than he does you. I don't know your financial situation but I bet you are comfortable and I suspect he is currently putting that above being with her but it won't last. She won't give up having waited for him for 10 years.

I'm sorry but you have to come to terms with this and split in a way that best helps you

VintageStitchers · 13/02/2021 16:17

OP, in your shoes, I’d spend the next year or so cultivating a new life and friendships and distancing myself from the husband until you’re in a stronger position to physically leave your marriage.

He’s had a 10 year affair. Don’t kid yourself that he will remain faithful from now on. He’s tasted forbidden fruit and has become addicted to it. Even if it’s not with her, he’ll find another willing partner soon enough.

My friend in her 70’s ditched her two-timing rat and bought a small apartment in the Canaries where she lives for 9 months of the year having a fabulous time. She returns here for 3 months in the summer and stays with various friends and family. She looks about 20 years younger and is very happy. We’re stuck here indoors in the cold winter and she’s enjoying herself on a Covid free Island in 24° Temps.

AngelDelightUK · 13/02/2021 16:19

I can’t remember if I posted on your previous threads, but I have been open about this on some. My late husband had an affair leading us to split up for about 18 months. The OW was vile, constantly sending me abusive messages and phone calls, sending emails saying unless I disappeared she would commit suicide, that sort of stuff.

Anyway, I did get back together with him, I gave him an ultimatum which made him see sense. She did still lurk around for a good few years, and I had visions of her turning up at his funeral. Thankfully a good friend of mine had the job of preventing her coming in.

It was tough, for a long time if we argued I’d just snap “f off back to her then”, I didn’t trust him and was so paranoid. This gradually eased and, apart from his alcoholism which was what killed him, were happy again.

If you want to pm me feel free, it’s hard not to feel bitter when the OW act so entitled

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/02/2021 16:21

jusstme looking at your previous threads, I see that you actually discovered the "affair" last October, so I wonder if you could clarify when this phone call happened?

I'm just trying to understand whether it's something you've fretted over since then, or if (despite your hopes) the contact's carried on and he's only "ended it" recently?

Marinaloves · 13/02/2021 16:22

@AngelDelightUK
Fucking hell.
I don’t think she needs that type of advice.

Zakana · 13/02/2021 16:23

@AngelDelightUK

I can’t remember if I posted on your previous threads, but I have been open about this on some. My late husband had an affair leading us to split up for about 18 months. The OW was vile, constantly sending me abusive messages and phone calls, sending emails saying unless I disappeared she would commit suicide, that sort of stuff.

Anyway, I did get back together with him, I gave him an ultimatum which made him see sense. She did still lurk around for a good few years, and I had visions of her turning up at his funeral. Thankfully a good friend of mine had the job of preventing her coming in.

It was tough, for a long time if we argued I’d just snap “f off back to her then”, I didn’t trust him and was so paranoid. This gradually eased and, apart from his alcoholism which was what killed him, were happy again.

If you want to pm me feel free, it’s hard not to feel bitter when the OW act so entitled

So very true, sorry you had to go through it 💐
Okokokbear · 13/02/2021 16:25

Well yanbu to be upset. But in all honesty after a 10 year affair what do you expect?

This sounds cold. But he can say and do what he wants really can't he? Staying with him after this just show him that.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 16:25

[quote Sunflowergirl1]@jusstme . I'm sorry but the reality is that he loves her rather than you, or at least loves her a lot more than he does you. I don't know your financial situation but I bet you are comfortable and I suspect he is currently putting that above being with her but it won't last. She won't give up having waited for him for 10 years.

I'm sorry but you have to come to terms with this and split in a way that best helps you [/quote]
I’m not sure. She’s a colleague and married. It could easily be she’s not willing to leave her husband. In fact I’d say it’s likely that’s the case the way the ops husband is behaving.

Men only leave when they habe some place to go. I think it’s more probable at this stage she’s not providing that. Plus there is distance between them,

Sadly we all know, when you ban two people being together it makes it all the more alluring. The forbidden fruit thing. The op finding out then having it end, may actually drive them together.

It’s much easier to maintain an unhappy marriage when you have a side relationship that does make you happy. It is less easy to maintain when that’s all you have, and something else is beckoning on the horizon.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/02/2021 16:25

I can understand that as a housewife, married 38 years, being aged 61 and no income of your own, it would be incredibly hard, but not totally impossible to walk away.
There are goingto be plenty of people telling you to leave him, it is much easier for younger more employable people to say this. Only you can decide if the struggle and hardship of walking away is better than the reality of staying. But you should be taking into account that in all likelihood the reality of staying will be living with a man who will almost certainly restart the affair.

BrilliantBetty · 13/02/2021 16:27

It wasn't a genuine break up. 3 mins after 10yrs together?

KatherineJaneway · 13/02/2021 16:28

I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact.

The thing is, he is seriously involved and invested with this woman. After 10 years this isn't a fling, its a relationship.

BeautifulStar · 13/02/2021 16:31

I discovered he had been having a 10 year affair, four months ago I came across emails between them, I have really struggled since them, emotions all over the place. We have been married 38 years.

God, why on earth do women put up with this? Do you have such little self-esteem? It’s not some quick fling/shag - he’s been LYING to you for TEN YEARS FGS!!!

AutoIncorrect · 13/02/2021 16:32

You’re both total mugs you and her.

Honeyroar · 13/02/2021 16:35

After a ten year affair it doesn’t matter what he says. Nothing that comes out of his mouth is the truth and he doesn’t mean it. If you’ve decided to try and stay and pretend the marriage is going to work the whole thing is a farce anyway.

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 13/02/2021 16:36

Kick him out.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 16:37

I’d agree a three min call isn’t a genuine break up, he’s likely prepared her for the call.

I’m also not sure she is a mug, she’s known th score from the start.

notanothertakeaway · 13/02/2021 16:38

Sometimes, when the big stuff is overwhelming, we can focus on the small stuff. I think that's what OP is doing here. Too painful to focus on the 10 year affair, so she focuses on the tel conversation

Why is he only ending the affair after OP found out about it? And why wait 4 months? Most likely, because he wants it to continue

OP at your age and stage in life, it's not easy to start over, but it's never too late, and if you wait, it will likely just become more difficult

motherrunner · 13/02/2021 16:38

OP, you deserve better. I found out my ex husband was having an affair and after two weeks of trying to save the marriage I couldn’t move past the images of them together.

For 6 months I was broken. I didn’t date for another year. I then met a lovely guy. He was kind. We’ve now been married for 15 years and have 2 children.

I thought my life was over in 2005. It really wasn’t.

Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 16:40

10 year affair lol. That’s a full blown relationship.

Your marriage is over OP. It’s clear they love each other. Your marriage will never be “normal”

Why not just end things and fall in love with someone you’re actually compatible? Your husband has clearly found love elsewhere, it’s not just sex

Thewiseoneincognito · 13/02/2021 16:41

OP you need to be honest with yourself here. He isn’t going to end it with her, they will get back together and you know this deep down. You deserve far better.

Settling for some other woman’s sloppy seconds is not going to be a reconciliation of 38 years of marriage.

He loves her, he’s moved on from you.

He’s agreed to pretend end it with her so he doesn’t have to sell up and give you half. Please leave him.

InFiveMins · 13/02/2021 16:43

Their affair won't be over OP, it's been going on 10 years for Christ sake. You'll be watching over your shoulder for the rest of the time you choose to waste with this "man".

Minikievs · 13/02/2021 16:44

@MorrisZapp

Well she's a human too. Presumably your husband wasn't truthful to her either and now he's dumping her. He should be sorry, what kind of person would say 'right you can fuck off now' after being intimate with someone? He isn't being kind to you by being vile to her.
This with bells on
Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 16:46

Yep, they’ll just be smarter next time around. They’re ready to play the long game. Eg Burner phone so you won’t be able to access his call recordings. Or concocting an elaborate work/hobby thing where he’ll have to occasionally leave the house, he’ll make it as genuine as possible and get his male friends around, post pics with said friends on social media etc meanwhile he’ll see her on the down low

Dogsarehairy · 13/02/2021 16:47

[quote Marinaloves]@AngelDelightUK
Fucking hell.
I don’t think she needs that type of advice.[/quote]
I not sure

After a long marriage not divorcing someone in ill health if they are likely to die is pretty sensible.

My mothers best friend did. He was dead within the year- she got everything the OW nothing (he had moved in with the OW)

Notonthestairs · 13/02/2021 16:48

I think you should have posted in Relationships not AIBU - you wouldn't get getting LOL's there.

I've read Bluntness101 helpful summaries.

Really this is just the beginning of dealing with his affair. By staying together you've signed up for years of upset and triggering events.

I can understand why you've decided to stay with him - you've been with him most of your life and you are financially vulnerable - but I wonder whether the hurt and resentment will ever fade sufficiently for you to live a happy life. He'll never be able to be the loving, loyal partner you deserve.