Husband's affair partner

[jusstme]

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

@MorrisZapp

Well she's a human too. Presumably your husband wasn't truthful to her either and now he's dumping her. He should be sorry, what kind of person would say 'right you can fuck off now' after being intimate with someone? He isn't being kind to you by being vile to her.

This really.

He's had an affair, not a one night stand. There's obviously emotional investment and it's going to be complicated and messy. This other woman has feelings and emotions as well.

Really I don't think it was a great idea for you to have listened in on the phone call - it was always going to be hurtful to hear him talking to her.

If you've made the decision to forgive and try to move on then it's important to focus on that moving forwards.

OP I think some of the replies here are pretty heartless and I hope you are ok . It’s all very well for ( mostly younger ) women to say LTB but you have been together a long time and I understand it isn’t black and white especially if you have no or little income .
However I do think you have to expect the affair to pick up again . 10 years is a long time and they clearly had feelings for each other . I am not saying that to hurt you but you must know that yourself .
I have a friend who was in a similar position to you - discovered her DH had been having a long term affair . She was desperate to save her marriage and he was worried about splitting assets so they stayed together but the affair resumed . When she was 63 she left him . 2 years on she is doing great and her adult DC have been brilliant .

Grey you are right to a certain extent and it must be incredibly scary to be in the OPs position but, and I mean this gently, the decision to continue the relationship will not be entirely in her hands, therefore she does need to start considering a different future than the one she envisaged.

Having broken up with the OW and everyone knowing might actually be the catalyst for him deciding to leave anyway. He may just think that he's the bad guy now and will be forever so he might as well go and grab some happiness.

The OP must be prepared that it might not be over.

@jusstme

I discovered he had been having a 10 year affair, four months ago I came across emails between them, I have really struggled since them, emotions all over the place. We have been married 38 years.

Ten years. How absolutely terrible for you. I think you’re being completely naive to think he’s going to have a cold thirty second conversation with her to tell her it’s over. That’s longer than some marriages. In reality he’s likely to continue with her. If I were you, I would end my marriage. Don’t waste any more of your life on a marriage that, from what you’ve said, is dead in the water.

Oh god, I would get a divorce.
Fuck that.
No coming back from that.

A 10 year affair shows it wasn't a fling.
There were feelings on both sides.

Just because he ended it doesn't mean he had to be unkind when he spoke to her.

Of course he was sorry- he'd led her on to expect more.
Of course he will miss her.
Of course he didn't want (set out) to hurt her at the start.

All of those statements are true.

What he said to her makes no difference to where you are now.

It's what he does with you now that's the issue and if you can move on as a couple.

He doesn’t want you to forgive him though he just wants the convenience of a 38 year marriage.

Ten years isn’t just an affair it’s a relationship. Of course he’ll miss her!

I voted YABU because frankly, it’s ridiculous that you want to stay married to him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Leave him and save yourself ! He will never ever forget her .

OP - you are being given a very hard time when you have done nothing wrong.
Four months is nothing in terms of coming to terms with, working out things in your head etc etc. Take your time and focus on yourself - not him and definitely not her.

What you think you want now may not be what you want in a few years / months time.

i have now moved on some 10 years later but bringing up the period when I found out and how things evolved - still gives me pain.

Focus on you and only you and don't rush any decisions. 10 yrs on i am doing well - he on the other hand went to the OW, it failed and would try and come back tomorrow - not a bloody chance -new DP suits me just fine!

You've been together a very long time but is there any getting over this scale of betrayal. You could have another life without him.

I think some people are being quite harsh, likely because the op has t fully explained on this thread, so they can only go on what she’s posted

She’s unemployed /housewife, she has no money of her own, she’s reliant on him and she’s 61. She doesn’t even want people to know, so she can maintain an image of a happy marriage.

It’s not so easy to walk away and start again alone. It’s daunting, Yes she will get half in the divorce, who knows what that amounts to. And yes she can go and live alone.

But I think people need to give her a break. Plenty folks stay for the lifestyle. But the op needs to be honest with herself that that’s what she’s doing, so expecting him to be cold on ending it was never going to happen.

The risk I think is if this woman becomes available. Then I think her marriage is over, he will leave. Right now she’s not, so he’s not.

10 years wtf! You will never be able to get over that & he won’t be able to just forget about her after all that time he really won’t. 10 years is a crazy amount of time to carry an affair on. You need to leave for ya own sanity you will never be able to trust him ever. X

You scripted a conversation of his and recorded the call. I almost feel sorry for him. If your plan to save your marriage is to control everything thing he says and does it’s doomed to fail and what are you saving a relationship with a man who isn’t allowed to be himself

Him cheating on you isn’t great byt I’d ask 2 questions

1. can you honestly say you didn’t know for 10 years
2. do you always control him like that because if you do no wonder he needed something he was in control of

Surely the way forward is to accept an open marriage. You don't need to know the details. It's far better than expecting him not to cheat again. You get to keep your life as it is, if moving on is too hard and he stays with his affair partner - he's been with her 10 years OP and would still be seeing her if you hadn't found out. Let him get on with it because the alternative is going to destroy your mental health. You'll never trust him again.

10 years. Poor you. Poor AP, frankly. Who is this prize of a man?

@NiceTwin

How old are you *@jusstme*?

My father had affairs all his married life, my mother stayed with him because throwing his cheating arse out seemed like the worst option.
Now she is into old age with a man who cares little for her or her feelings. He is still having a bit on the side now, at 79. Fos knows how he manages it, his chicks are younger than me.

My mother wishes she'd left him years ago, when he first cheated on her in the 60's. Looking back on her life makes her very sad, weepy and makes her wonder what could have been.

Don't waste your life on him. 10 years shows quite some commitment to her, I can understand why he can't be cheerful to have to ditch her on your say so. It should be his decision to leave her, it's not yours to make.

This is very good advice. As soon as an affair becomes more than sex and is emotional, especially after TEN YEARS, it’s too much to come back from. You’ll never be able to trust him again, you will chew yourself up with it all, it’ll change you completely, and not for the better. Take this from someone who knows, who did stay and try to make it work, and that was after a non emotional (on his side, very emotional on her side) affair of around six months in duration. I am not sure I would do it again now, but I am a much harder person having come through the other side. Still together now, and it’s been over 14 years since, but I am only over it now, the first few years were horrific mentally on me.

@Bluntness100

Op, I think from your other threads, you’re basically staying together for convenience.

They are likely going to continue at some point. You need to make a decision is the lifestyle and convenience worth it. And also accept the risk at some point they may decide to be together, if something happens in her marriage, I’d say it’s likely.

I understand why you want to stay, I totally get it, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about the situation you’re in.

This is not a man begging for forgiveness and declaring his undying love and how he made a mistake.he’s basically telling you to shut it and get on with it.

Bluntness nails it once again

There's little I can add to this, other than to say I did the same for a few years before coming to terms with the fact it was never going to work

Of course it's not easy to let go - after 38 years it's a tsunami of feelings - but could it be worse than continuing with this utter trauma and kidding yourself there'll be no more contact?

A ten year affair?!?

Oh OP, just leave him. He is such a scumbag.

'As what you said on the phone wasn't what we agreed, you are dumped.'

Do you want to continue with this marriage after 10 years of deceit?

You scripted a conversation of his and recorded the call. I almost feel sorry for him. If your plan to save your marriage is to control everything thing he says and does it’s doomed to fail and what are you saving a relationship with a man who isn’t allowed to be himself

Him cheating on you isn’t great byt I’d ask 2 questions
1) can you honestly say you didn’t know for 10 years
2) do you always control him like that because if you do no wonder he needed something he was in control of

In the great shitty cesspit of bad comments I have seen on MN, this is one if the worst. Having a ten year affair is merely ‘not great’, but really the fault is OP’s for not being nicer and kinder and more understanding of her poor husband’s feelings about ending it. Jesus Christ.

If he's that upset at ending things and hurting her I'd leave his sorry arse and let them have each other. It isn't too late to back out, think of yourself and how happy you could be. 10years is a quarter of your marriage, fuck that.

Oh op, im sorry.

He has, it would appear ended it with her, but has hurt you by the way he did it. He should have been more direct, but couldn't bring himself to do it as he has feelings for her.

You are worth more than this. What are you gaining from staying with him? 10 years is a long time to be lied to..it would be much worse to find out in another 10 years he had still been lying to you.

I think joint counselling could work. You have so much to get through, and he has to make you his priority if it is to work.

Good luck with whatever you decide

He managed to end a 10 year affair in a 3 minute phone call. The reality is that was going to be complex. I’m not dismissing his actions. What he did was wrong. You have to realize going forward that if you want your marriage to work, you have to recognize this is a situation that isn’t as simple as right and wrong.

@Pyewhacket

How much shit do you want him to eat ?.

After a 10 year affair, surely it's more a question of how much more shit should the OP be eating.

OP, It's a toxic situation that only a complete split can ever resolve. You've been lied to for a very long time and staying with someone who has the capacity to do such a thing means you can never ever be completely at peace, because you can bet he can work the same number on you by continuing the affair.

The fact you label the woman as his "affair partner" is weird, you've actually given her a permanent status in his life.