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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's affair partner

408 replies

jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

OP posts:
Gilly12345 · 13/02/2021 15:44

Wow 10 year affair is a massive deal, 10 years of cheating on you is awful and you have my sympathy.

However I hope you can move on but I know for me the marriage would be over as the trust is gone, a 10 year affair is not a short fling that meant nothing. Good luck.

MixedUpFiles · 13/02/2021 15:45

Oh and I do have to say, a 10 year affair is going to be near impossible to get past. I know you claim you want to save your marriage, but you have a really hard road ahead. I’d get to a marriage counselor ASAP.

Jacketpotato84 · 13/02/2021 15:45

@jusstme Why have you chosen to stay with him? Does it cause more harm then good to leave? Im wondering if you dont want to end the relationship knowing he will get with the other woman and that scares you being on your own

Mamagotskills · 13/02/2021 15:47

After a 10 year affair I can see why a blunt to the point call was a tall order, does he actually want to save your marriage? Such an awful situation for you Flowers

Figgygal · 13/02/2021 15:47

Honestly if I found out that my husband had a 10 year affair I would be less worried about how he ended it with the other woman and more about about why the fuck I cared

He’s not a prize you want to win

Longdistance · 13/02/2021 15:49

10 years of deceit. He doesn’t sound like he regrets it. I’d be packing the fuckers bags, she can keep him.

Reinventinganna · 13/02/2021 15:50

He only finished it because you told him too. He only wants to work on his marriage because you told him too.

He still has feelings for her and doesn’t want to hurt her like he has hurt you.

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 13/02/2021 15:51

I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I really think your husband will get back in contact with the OW.

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 15:53

38 years of marriage probably means you’ve been with this person longer than you haven’t. It’s a huge emotional upheaval and I can understand the Op feeling scared.
I would guess that anyone would know , in their heart of hearts that this marriage is dead but the practicalities of leaving must seen overwhelming.

DarkDarkNight · 13/02/2021 15:53

10 years? Does that even count as an affair anymore? He has been in a long-term relationship with her, he must have deep feelings for her. I think it’s quite strange that you agreed what he would say. It sounds like you (understandably) wanted her to feel some of the pain you have and he doesn’t really want to end it.

It doesn’t sound to me like you are going to be able to trust him going forward if you want this level of control over the phone call. You are opening yourself up to so much pain, are you sure it is what you want?

Mrgrinch · 13/02/2021 15:55

Just leave for god's sake.

Wearywithteens · 13/02/2021 15:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Marinaloves · 13/02/2021 15:55

It’s not even an affair anymore
It’s a whole proper relationship

Toorapid · 13/02/2021 15:56

Did you think he was having an affair with someone he had no feelings for?

He's ended it, it's up to you if that's enough, but he's not going to suddenly start hating her.

Laburnam · 13/02/2021 15:57

The affair is a big deal but the length of the affair is a massive deal. He probably saw her as equal to you only without the ring, if he hasn’t ended it voluntarily then they are still v much invested in the relationship. He will go back.
I’m so sorry but nothing good can come if you try and hang on. It will be hard but the turmoil and lack of peace living with this situation just isn’t worth it

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 15:58

I can understand why the Op wanted the husband to be horrible to the other woman, to make her feel as if she doesn’t mean anything to him, but he couldn’t do it because it just isn’t true.

TartanLassie · 13/02/2021 15:59

Oh OP you must be devastated and so confused, I'm guessing you're in your 50's or early 60s. The thought of being single after all this time must be incredibly scary.

I've not read your other threads but surely it would be better single than in this marriage. I can't possibly know him but I would guess he will probably either leave you for her or carrying on seeing her when the dust has settled. Is that the life you want?

Tubs11 · 13/02/2021 15:59

Do you think a marriage is salvageable or worth saving after a 10 year affair? What kind of future do you see with this man? Could you trust him? Could you trust him not to go back to her? I get that you're upset with the call but honestly I think ending a 10 year relationship in a three minute conversation is not possible. They are bound to speak again and what he said was right for the length of the time they were together. Sorry, I know that's tough to here but it wasn't a regretful fling unfortunately.

Tubs11 · 13/02/2021 16:01

*Hear

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2021 16:02

If your husband only behaves the way you want him to behave while you're standing over him scripting his conversations then it's totally unsustainable.

And if he were to end a ten-year relationship by saying, "It's over, you mean nothing to me, never contact me again, goodbye" then he's clearly a bastard you shouldn't want anything to do with
This

LittleBoPeep95 · 13/02/2021 16:06

YABU for staying with him.

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:07

He’s ending it because he got caught, that’s all

Notimeforaname · 13/02/2021 16:07

Please try to gather up any dignity you can and leave this man. Or just kick him out.

Kittykat93 · 13/02/2021 16:11

You must be staying with him for financial reasons yes? As no one is that much of a pushover to forgive a ten year affair. Ten whole years of your life have been a lie, how the fuck can you forgive that? You must be insane

TheyIsMyFamily · 13/02/2021 16:11

10 years? And he ended it with a 3 minute call?

Callous arse ... and not trustworthy ... which you already knew.

Why are you staying with him?

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