Punishing the wrong person aibu

[Createsuser]

So this is for a friend but it’s lockdown and there’s not much else to do.

DF has two DC’s A- sensible, mature and B- impulsive funny and cheeky. She comes from quite a traditional family who are fairly strict. During a recent family Zoom call with the grandparents B made some off colour jokes then when the grandfather gave her a firm telling off hung up on him. The grandfather has now issued some punishments (don’t want to say what as it would be outing) to A and B. A wasn’t involved and told B off for being a fool and said she should have known the grandparents would be upset. So in essence A is now being punished for B’s behaviour which he didn’t agree with. The grandparents won’t listen to A’s side of the story. WWYD and Aibu to think this is unfair?

Whyyyy is a grandfather issuing punishments to children quite clearly not in his care right now. Presumptuous and weird. I'd tell him to jog on.

I'd just ignore the grandparents punishment. Is he withholding money?

You know that posters are going to say WTF has it got to do with Grandad Collective-Punishment, so why not say in your opening post?

Why would your friend allow her father to decide how her children should be punished? That's absurd.

He was appalled at the jokes and thought they (collectively) had been taking the mickey out of them. The punishments relate to something he had been providing for all his grandkids but now has removed from these two

It depends a lot on what was said, how old the DCs are and what the punishment is. I know you said you didn't want to say, but without some idea it's difficult to say what's reasonable or unreasonable.

The punishments relate to something he had been providing for all his grandkids but now has removed from these two

That's unfortunate for A, but this is his prerogative.

If the grandfather is withholding a MN anticipated treat (birthday money or something), that’s mean, but he can do it. If the DF is allowing her father other rights over her daughters (grounding them or removing tech or something), that’s a DM problem the girls have, because he has no right.

If you won't say, OP, there's no chance of understanding context, so no point to this really.

Well, I suppose (from the update) that’s unfair but up to him.

The grandfather is an idiot. He doesn't get to make decisions on punishment for people who don't live in his house and should be told so. If the parent decides the behaviour warrants any punishment then fine, they decide what's appropriate and take it from there. Child A should be left out of it altogether.

He doesn't get to make decisions on punishment for people who don't live in his house and should be told so

But he gets to withhold his own stuff from anyone he likes.

This is really a bad precedent the grandfather is setting. The provision of whatever is now being withheld is a conditional thing then. Which the grandfather can use to effectively blackmail his grandchildren? Do what I say if you don’t get this thing.

B should apologise abd say that A had nothing to do with thus. Both should tell their grandfather thank you but no thank you, we prefer gifts without attachments to them.

They will forever be needing to do his wishes, whatever hey may be in future, in order to continue to accept this thing.

This isn’t a giving to them, it’s a buying of them.

Let’s say grandfather has a huge nose and B made three jokes about noses in a row. Everyone else sat there open mouthed including A. Grandfather then started on anout respecting your elders and so forth quite forcefully. Then B hung up because she was hurt. Later that day the grandparents decided to remove a certain privilege that they had been paying for. A wasn’t involved at all, was pretty annoyed with B and now has been punished as well. Grandparents are furious and sticking to their decision.

Then B hung up because she was hurt

What on earth was B hurt by? Sounds like a right one.

What do you and your friend hope to achieve from this post? Surely the friend just needs to talk to the GF and explain? If he still doesn't change his mind, then lesson learned by the DC. For Child B not to make inappropriate jokes; for Child A, that life isn't always fair.

Why don't you pay for A's thing until GF comes round?

A good life lesson that being nasty to people can get their backs up. Did A say shut up to their sibling? Ages of children come into play though.

B sounds like hard work and A will probably start to resent them. It sounds like your friend needs to work on Bs behaviour and attitude as they are going to have a difficult life otherwise.

How old are the DC? age has a huge bearing on this.

What did A do while B was telling these 'jokes'?

How old are A and B? Has B told grandad that A had nothing to do with it?

Well, sometimes unfortunately we have to learn what people are like, and the GF has shown himself to be an unfair and contrary person. The children would be better off not having anything from him at all if he is the type to take it away over something silly like that. A stern word and then tell the parents would have been a good starting point, the GF could have explained his feelings were hurt. If it carried on then maybe but seems a bit much to me.

How old are the kids?

I would let things cool down for a couple of days and then tell the gf that he has misunderstood, this was nothing to do with A and that he risks pushing them away. Without knowing what has been withheld I can’t respond to that point

In many traditional families the eldest is held fully or partially responsible for the behaviour of younger siblings. Is A older than B?

I agree it’s not fair, but that’s the way most traditional families are in my experience.