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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Punishing the wrong person aibu

534 replies

Createsuser · 13/02/2021 07:09

So this is for a friend but it’s lockdown and there’s not much else to do.

DF has two DC’s A- sensible, mature and B- impulsive funny and cheeky. She comes from quite a traditional family who are fairly strict. During a recent family Zoom call with the grandparents B made some off colour jokes then when the grandfather gave her a firm telling off hung up on him. The grandfather has now issued some punishments (don’t want to say what as it would be outing) to A and B. A wasn’t involved and told B off for being a fool and said she should have known the grandparents would be upset. So in essence A is now being punished for B’s behaviour which he didn’t agree with. The grandparents won’t listen to A’s side of the story. WWYD and Aibu to think this is unfair?

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 07:39

Or perhaps B could step up and tell her grandfather that it wasn’t A?

Original poster
Createsuser · 13/02/2021 07:39

Usually B’s cheeky good humour is much needed and well received. They are A(13) and B(11). She had obviously just heard these jokes and not thought about the effect they would have. B is struggling in lockdown as she’s super sociable and not being able to see her friends is really upsetting her.

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 07:40

There’s cheeky and there’s rude, though, isn’t there? Was it rude?

Original poster
Createsuser · 13/02/2021 07:41

From what I understand the parents have had a word and explained that A wasn’t involved and that they had no idea B was going to behave that way. The grandfather is humiliated basically. He takes his role as head of the family seriously.

OP posts:
DrinkReprehensibly · 13/02/2021 07:42

Is it a shared Netflix account, or are they both out of the will?

Original poster
Createsuser · 13/02/2021 07:42

It wasn’t intended to be rude was but was taken that way. Definitely intended to be cheeky.

OP posts:
Original poster
Createsuser · 13/02/2021 07:43

@DrinkReprehensibly somewhere in between the two.

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 07:44

It wasn’t intended to be rude was but was taken that way. Definitely intended to be cheeky.

But more objectively, was it rude? So, if you said it to a stranger, would you expect a slap or a phone number?

DrinkReprehensibly · 13/02/2021 07:47

I think if it's a luxury item or holiday then it's a lesson learnt for both and we all of difficult lessons as we test boundaries as youngsters. Apologies needed but won't necessarily get the thing back. If grandfather has withdrawn an offer to pay for university or something, then it might be worth the parents getting involved to argue the unfairness on A.

AKAanothername · 13/02/2021 07:48

Dos he pay the school fees? If he's withdrawn those from both kids then he's being incredibly nasty and childish.

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 07:49

It does seem a bit harsh to punish both of them when maybe a talking to would have sufficed. Is the grandfather normally so strict? B was rude to have hung up though, it’s a shame that something like this could cause a rift between A and B also.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 13/02/2021 07:49

Grandparent is being very petty and manipulative. Can the parents provide thing for A?

AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 07:50

Unlikely to be school fees for several grandchildren unless he’s Daddy Warbucks. Probably a contribution to a savings account.

PhilCornwall1 · 13/02/2021 07:51

He takes his role as head of the family seriously.

Head of the family? Straight back to the 1940s.

He doesn't "head up" your friends family though does he?

My old man once had a go at my eldest, as it happens he got the situation totally wrong and my son had done nothing wrong. Regardless of that, he was told to wind his neck in, as it wasn't his place to do that and to bloody well remember it.

Besom · 13/02/2021 07:51

It's that thing that teachers sometimes do where the whole class gets punished to shame the offenders into behaving. A will be expected to get B into line. Not really fair though no.

Love51 · 13/02/2021 07:51

It's obviously unfair. You said grandparents won't listen to As side of the story - as an adult I'd leave A out of it and talk to grandparents directly. They can do what they want of course.
If it isn't a thing that is happening now (uni fees or driving lessons) I'd be wary of arguing too much, it can entrench people into their positions. Let him get over it, when you see him he'll be less stressed. If it's something like Disney+ or nexflix where they can't with-hold from one without the other I'd suck it up.

I'd be tempted to with-hold his pudding at the next dinner we had if grandma had said anything remotely jokey, but I'm a pain!

PuppyMonkey · 13/02/2021 07:53

I’d let this “head of the family” have his nice indulgent sulk and ignore him - and tell the 11 year old child to try not to be rude in future, whilst acknowledging they are still a child and have much to learn. And confirm to the 13 year old that other people of all ages can be twats - even ones who consider themselves head of families purely due to being male.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 13/02/2021 07:53

I’m on the fence because I don’t like to think of grandpa with the big nose humiliated by his grandkids who he likes to think admire and respect him.

On the other hand if he’s one of those patriarchal godfather types thinking he’s the big I AM and dishing out privileges in an effort to show his power, then fuck him.

But definitely unfair on the other kid.

AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 07:54

I’m on the fence because I don’t like to think of grandpa with the big nose humiliated by his grandkids who he likes to think admire and respect him.

Nor do I. B needs to apologise for her appalling rudeness, by the sounds of things, rather than the whole focus being on big bad grandad getting angry at both kids (albeit unfairly). He’s probably upset at being blatantly disrespected by his grandchild.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/02/2021 07:57

I think 11 is old enough to learn the difference between a joke and being rude.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/02/2021 07:58

@Createsuser

It wasn’t intended to be rude was but was taken that way. Definitely intended to be cheeky.
Cheeky kids are often only described that way by her parents. If she hurt her grandad’s feelings and expects to get away with it without a punishment she’s not only really rude and hurtful but I’d say she and her family has received a much needed wakeup call. Next time child A will feel empowdered to cut her abuse down there and then rather than sit silently and listen.
Original poster
Createsuser · 13/02/2021 08:05

A is very similar to his grandad in some ways, despite being 13 he has the maturity of someone much older so he’s hurt on a personal level. My take on it is that the grandfather is over sensitive, B was thoughtless but wasn’t directly insulting the Grandfather and didn’t expect him to react that way. He started shouting at her which is why she hung up. The grandparents are now highly offended and taking it way too personally.

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 08:07

What did she say, then? Because you’re making the grandfather out to be unreasonable when, as far as I can see, he was repeatedly insulted. So what was the comment? Can’t fairly comment unless you tell us.

RedHelenB · 13/02/2021 08:08

As above

TheTeenageYears · 13/02/2021 08:12

B has obviously seen that whilst it wasn't meant in a hurtful way, something she said has been taken that way. She needs to explain and apologise in whatever way is going to be the most meaningful for the GF and hope that's the end of it. If it's a longterm punishment it could be very damaging for family relations even amongst the cousins. Some perspective is required by the 'injured party' to understand kids will be kids and get things wrong - learning from a mistake is the key.