Punishing the wrong person aibu

[Createsuser]

So this is for a friend but it’s lockdown and there’s not much else to do.

DF has two DC’s A- sensible, mature and B- impulsive funny and cheeky. She comes from quite a traditional family who are fairly strict. During a recent family Zoom call with the grandparents B made some off colour jokes then when the grandfather gave her a firm telling off hung up on him. The grandfather has now issued some punishments (don’t want to say what as it would be outing) to A and B. A wasn’t involved and told B off for being a fool and said she should have known the grandparents would be upset. So in essence A is now being punished for B’s behaviour which he didn’t agree with. The grandparents won’t listen to A’s side of the story. WWYD and Aibu to think this is unfair?

@Createsuser

A is upset but is saying “sometimes people make bad decisions for the greater good” he won’t say a word against his grandfather.

Is that A's diplomatic way of saying he thinks his sister is a cheeky wee nyaff?

@Morgan12

Well the GF sounds like a complete prick tbh. If this was my dad and my kids I'd tell him to shove 'the treat' up his arse and not speak to him until he apologised.

Top parenting... where do I send your award?

The grandad needs to know he doesn't get to rule everyone's behaviour with the power threat of providing a privilege.

Err no. He's saying that he's upset by so,etching this rude child said and has decided to withdraw his money/time/whatever it was.

I used to pay for my sister's eldest daughter to have ballet lessons when she was a kid and I had more disposable cash than my sister. If my niece had been rude and insulting to me absolutely I would have stopped paying. And indeed I did when she told me to fuck off one day when she was staying with me and was rude to my soon to be husband. She got taken home, told her behaviour was unacceptable and that I was no longer giving her the privilege of spending my cash on her.

Cheeky kids are often only described that way by her parents.

This ^^

Most people would not be 'humiliated' by a little bit of cheek.

Give over. Respect your elders? Respect is earned.

And what exactly has B done to earn it?

but she could do something smaller which I believe she has already decided to do.

For A, or for A and B?

The grandad sounds like a right self important arse. The 11 yo is exactly that, 11, made a mistake but didn't maliciously attack grandad, should have been told he was upsetting grandad and left it at that. But, my God, how dare somebody offend the head of the family
A is showing he's more mature than grandad.

Usually B’s cheeky good humour is much needed and well received.

I very much doubt it is.

Sorry A is a boy (13), B girl (11). B has apologised, grandparents are still angry and not listening to anyone.

Your friend needs to speak to the grandfather and explain again that A has no involvement. It's grandad's right to remove any privileges as and when he sees fit, but he shouldn't be upset at A because quite clearly it wasn't his fault. I've been A in my family and had a B sibling. I couldn't care less about practical consequences (most of them, anyway) but I hated someone being upset or angry at me when I had no fault in the matter.

Grandparents have no right to punish either child - someone needs to point this out to them.

@Mischance

Grandparents have no right to punish either child - someone needs to point this out to them.

Er.... if they are bankrolling some expensive privileges then yes they do?

If they can’t accept an apology then they’re just being mean. Can you reject whatever it is that they pay for completely and pay for it yourself?

The grandparents sound unpleasant. B is an 11 year old girl, made some jokes (doesn't even sound like she was directly rude to grandparent) in a Zoom call, and now is ostracised and punished.

That put the little girl in her place, didn't it?

Whatever happened, people are not obliged to have relationships with their grandparents these days. I suspect A will carry on, he's a boy, the grandfather is traditional, he'll feel obliged. B will just break free of them hopefully.

They aren't nice people, nice people would have had a quiet word with the parent, and the child supported to behave differently next time.

• The grandfather has ensured that both children will not be so fond of him going forward, not because of the punishment, but shouting and holding a grudge against an 11 year old.

The 11 year old won't want to go over there so much, just won't be interested in any type of close relationship.

That's it. Blown their chances.*

Ha! Or the grandparent doesn’t now have to put up with a rude and entitled child putting the phone down on them when they should be apologising for their rudeness?

B has apologised, grandparents are still angry and not listening to anyone.

So how did she apologise?

Ha! Or the grandparent doesn’t now have to put up with a rude and entitled child putting the phone down on them when they should be apologising for their rudeness?

Good result for the grandparent then. They don't want a relationship with a real 11 year old, who was bothering to call them in the middle of lockdown and engage. They want a child who knows their place, and takes being shouted at by an older relative (very different than being shouted at by a parent, my children's grandparents never ever raise their voices to the children) and grovels and accepts this man's authority.

This isn't how families work these days, you can't force grandparental relationship on children by shouting at them!

Oh well, if Captain Ahab is still sulking there's not much to be done at this point.

B has apologised, presumably sincerely, and gps are still angry and not listening to anyone?
Then gps are still behaving badly, and B isn't.
Whatever the rights and wrongs of the original event, gps need to graciously accept apology and fucking move on.

The grand parent is wrong to blame the other child and very unfair to punish them.

I would make it very clear to them, and wait until they contact us again after calming down.

It would be interesting to hear their side of the story, if they are unreasonable because of one "cheeky" comment, or if they are fed up with rude behaviour from someone always excused by their parents...and they are punishing the parents more than the children (which is the wrong way to go about it, but still)

It is genuinely a friend and not me. The friend is going to try to do something for A. A probably doesn’t approve of his sister’s behaviour and did say something but he seems to have taken it on the chin. From what I know, he can understand why his grandfather has behaved that way. The grandparent is quite elderly and set in his ways but probably not as old fashioned as he appears on here.

the child supported to behave differently next time.

Ha ha I’ll remember that gem!

“Tarquin, I can see you drawing on the walls. Just wait a moment dear while I come and support you to behave differently”

Good result for the grandparent then. They don't want a relationship with a real 11 year old, who was bothering to call them in the middle of lockdown and engage. They want a child who knows their place, and takes being shouted at by an older relative (very different than being shouted at by a parent, my children's grandparents never ever raise their voices to the children) and grovels and accepts this man's authority.

Sorry but what a load of crap. Grandparent-child relationships aren’t a favour to some old beggar who you can talk to however you like because you, the child, are the values commodity. They should be respectful. The child wasn’t. Grandparent is dodging a bullet if the child thinks their rudeness is endearing. It clearly wasn’t.

This isn't how families work these days, you can't force grandparental relationship on children by shouting at them!

well, no

but you can't expect grand-parents to put up with anything and everything for the privilege of a relationship with children who are growing without being taught consequences and a sense of entitlement....

Works both ways.

*valued