Punishing the wrong person aibu

[Createsuser]

So this is for a friend but it’s lockdown and there’s not much else to do.

DF has two DC’s A- sensible, mature and B- impulsive funny and cheeky. She comes from quite a traditional family who are fairly strict. During a recent family Zoom call with the grandparents B made some off colour jokes then when the grandfather gave her a firm telling off hung up on him. The grandfather has now issued some punishments (don’t want to say what as it would be outing) to A and B. A wasn’t involved and told B off for being a fool and said she should have known the grandparents would be upset. So in essence A is now being punished for B’s behaviour which he didn’t agree with. The grandparents won’t listen to A’s side of the story. WWYD and Aibu to think this is unfair?

The fact that A is so accepting of this says a lot.

My post was about A not B though

Well, maybe it will help if B has the good grace to write to her grandfather herself to apologise again, to say she accepts her own penalty to and ask her grandfather that her brother not also be penalised.

11 year olds aren't famed for their eloquence. That's why we don't get 11 year olds to write Obama's or Biden's speeches. In fact, eloquence and psychological dexterity are a gift of experience and age - look at how impressed we were by the maturity, word craft and articulacy of the young woman poet at the inauguration. It was unusual and remarkable in one so young - and she was well past 11.

If - and it's a big if - the parent wants to mollify the grandfather, the very last thing she needs to do is send a sweet, authentic little note from the 11 year old.

Grandfather's ego needs stroking. And the striking needs to look authentic, skirting any obvious mention of grandfather's insecurities whilst simultaneously applying balm to any wounding around those insecurities.

There's no way on God's earth an 11 year old is capable of writing anything like that!!

There's no way on God's earth an 11 year old is capable of writing anything like that!!

True enough. She only has to write it, she doesn't have to compose it all by herself. Though I'd make her sweat over a rough draft first.

It is very difficult to draw firm conclusions without knowing more about the situation; e.g.

Was child B: (1) repeating a joke without considering that GF might apply it to his own situation; (2) teasing GF but without realizing that this was something serious to him; (3) deliberately trying to ridicule GF or get a rise out of him?

Was the topic: (1) something that related to a past episode that was unpleasant but has been solved and is not deeply personal; (2) as above, but involves significant personal embarrassment to GF (e.g. he was the one who crashed an expensive car): (3) something which involved serious personal pain to GF - e.g. a health scare- or a personal characteristic about which he is very self-conscious?

Did the child repeat the offence because (1) they had three jokes to tell, and were unaware that they were causing offence; (2) family members gave hints after the first joke that the child should stop, but the child didn't pick up on them; (3) the child deliberately ignored instructions or gestures to stop?

Did the parents and brother sit open-mouthed because (1) they were aware of the connection to the GF's situation but the child wasn't; (2) they were picking up signals from the GF that the child wasn't noticing; (3) the child was being cheeky by any standards?

Is the GF's reaction mainly (1) hurt feelings at what he perceives as deliberate ridicule; (2) annoyance at the child not being respectful enough to an older person; (3) offence that the child and perhaps other family members are not recognizing his status as 'head of the family'?

Is the fact that he is including A in the punishment due (1) to the punishment involving a deprivation that is practically difficult to inflict on just one of the children; (2) to a suspicion that A was somehow involved to a degree - e.g. that A had told B about the embarrassing situation; (3) to a desire to force A and perhaps the parents to discipline B in GF's own preferred way?

Without knowing the answers to any of these, we cannot form a firm conclusion.

@thecatsthecats

The fact the 11 year old hung up a family call was pretty rude in and of itself, and if you're right and the apologies only came after the treat was withdrawn, I wouldn't be convinced by them either. My gran pulled me up on something at that age and the whole journey home my parents educated me on why what I'd done was wrong.

She was being yelled at by a grown man. I would hang up too. Are you saying that is acceptable to you?

The posters insisting B's behaviour is being minimised are making a massive assumption way beyond anything in the text.

Singing a sea shanty light-heartedly to someone who has lost his boat is not a heinous crime.

Sure she was in the wrong there but she has already apologised.

GF's appalling, immature, uncontrolled response is far worse than original act from B - and he is the one who should be apologising.

He's having a patriarchal tantrum and controlling the whole family by withholding money, conversation etc.

The only thing you can do in that situation is take your power back: take control of the situation by cutting off all channels of his control.

Henceforth all financial treats from the GPs should end to be replaced by the parents. And make it clear that non-communication is absolutely fine until he has calmed down and apologised. If he doesn't, that's fine too.

I think it’s great she has enough boundaries to not put up with being yelled at by someone. If she was getting a calm telling off and hung up that would be different.

The grandfather needs to grow up and act like an adult.

Kids make mistakes but he has over reacted here.