To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

[IHTC]

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

• For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
• She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
• We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
• We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
• What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

YANBU - It’s a terrible idea and I think you would both regret it quite quickly. It is not your job to rescue her. Offer what help you can from a distance but your MIL must stand up to her daughter and sort out the house / downsize.

Do, not, do, this!!

It's not going to be easy but you're going to have to tell him no. It's a big ask even if you were close to her. Are there any other siblings?

Nooooo - never in a million years. Don't let your family get drawn into her mess - you'll never get rid of her and next thing you'll have the sister-in-law squatting with you, too.
I'd make it very, very clear - if mother-in-law comes in the door, you'll be straight out.

Terrible terrible terrible idea. You already know it would be a disaster so just say no.

From what you have said I doubt your marriage would survive if you allow her to move in. Be very assertive with your DH. Your MIL's problems are her own to sort out.

@Marley20 Yes, my husband has a brother who has recently divorced. Lives alone with no children. He is also closer to their mother!

I understand that he will want to find a new partner and having your MIL live with you potentially affects this but we have a family and our own stresses. Mentioned that it would probably be better for her to live with his brother if push comes to shove and it went down like a lead balloon.

Absolutely no.
Be seen as an arsehole now and save yourself the demise of your marriage.

I would refuse to even entertain a discussion about this. The answer is no.

Please do not do this. She is an adult and is capable of looking after herself, she needs to be the one to sort it out and find somewhere else to live.

Would you let your mother move in, if she was in the same situation?

You need to have a discussion with your husband as it’s just as much his right to want her to move in as it is yours to not. Have you discussed how long it would be for, how much she would pay and how this would help her situation? One condition would be she needs to seek advice about the mortgage first.

None of your reasons are solid enough for me. Even renting her house for 6 months could massively help her money problems.

@katy1213

Nooooo - never in a million years. Don't let your family get drawn into her mess - you'll never get rid of her and next thing you'll have the sister-in-law squatting with you, too. I'd make it very, very clear - if mother-in-law comes in the door, you'll be straight out.

You know she is family? It’s his mother. I presume it’s just as much his house as it is hers.

No No No. It would wreck your family. She needs to sell her house and rent, work more hours ,look after herself.

Stand your ground. Do not allow this.

Just no. No no no no no no nooooooo!

So, her relationship with her own daughter - who presumably she was close to if they took out a joint mortgage ? - has broken down and your dh actually thinks it would then be a good idea to have someone live with him that he sees 4 times a year at most ?

I think perhaps your dh and his brother and sister need to sit down and offer to help your MiL sort out the situation. SiL needs to pay her share or they need to sell or your MiL needs to find some way of buying her out. Perhaps help her to look at what her options are, but there is no way it is a sensible idea to bring a 3rd adult into your home, even if you were all the best of pals.

Not a chance in hell. When DH suggested something similar I said he could go and stay with MIL so many nights a week to care for her if he felt it necessary and that his sisters could do the same. Funnily enough he dropped the subject of living with her after that.
I told him under no circumstances was I playing any part in looking after her. For years she has been difficult so why would I invite that into my home? She has never helped with child care and know she never cared for her parents so I personally feel no obligation towards her.

Oh hell no

I wouldn’t move in my own mother if I can help it.
It’s never a good idea. It will ruin your marriage and won’t improve his relationship with his mother. Maybe he should move in with her for a month to sort out her issues?

Don’t do it.

Have the discussion now and tell him no.

If you let her move in you’ll never be rid of her.

@RunningFromInsanity

Would you let your mother move in, if she was in the same situation?

You need to have a discussion with your husband as it’s just as much his right to want her to move in as it is yours to not. Have you discussed how long it would be for, how much she would pay and how this would help her situation? One condition would be she needs to seek advice about the mortgage first.

None of your reasons are solid enough for me. Even renting her house for 6 months could massively help her money problems.

It’s irrelevant that none of the OP’s reasons are “solid enough” for you, (unless you’re offering to put her up yourself).

What matters is that they are solid enough for the OP.

I live with my dd, son in law and dgd five nights a week to be childcare while they wfh. With the best will in the world, and a very comfortable five bedroomed house, we all hate it! It has been very detrimental to relationships and might lead to us going NC as soon as we can. We're all remarkably well-meaning or it wouldn't be working at all. Don't let it happen in a three-bed with someone you don't like and hardly know.

You didn't need the list of reasons. It's a terrible idea.

Terrible idea. My FIL currently lives with us and it's been an absolute disaster. Our relationship with him has completely broken down and we've had to ask him to leave the house.

Definitely don’t allow it to happen. The pressure of having an extra family member living with you is immense, and will lead to conflict. If you’re not on board now then it’s highly unlikely that it would work out with the best will in the world. It sounds like a better plan would be for her to sell up and downsize either into a smaller and cheaper flat (possibly closer to you if that helps) or to go into a retirement flat where she can be around other people but keep her independence. It’s really not worth the stress of having her live with you and you ending up being responsible for her. It’s not what you signed up for when you got married and what you want matters every bit as much as what he wants. By all means help in other ways so he can feel that he is doing the right thing but moving in is a step too far.