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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

245 replies

IHTC · 11/02/2021 23:48

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

  • For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
  • She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
  • We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
  • We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
  • What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 12/02/2021 05:33

You can get to know people without moving them into your house and having to spend 24/7 with them with no escape and share a bathroom. A walk and coffee, for example, would be a start.

Thedramasummer · 12/02/2021 05:37

I’m not sure how your MIL moving in with you solves the problem of her mortgage. She’s still going to have to pay it.

The best thing would be for the house to be sold and then if there is enough for her to buy a smaller property do that, if not she can find a small property to rent.

TravelDreamLife · 12/02/2021 05:44

YANBU. FIL might be alone soon (MIL very ill). I've made it clear to DH FIL's NEVER moving in with us. I can see I'd be doing his cleaning/cooking etc. & we won't be able to have a private conversation, holiday, or even a picnic as a family. He's a miserable, judgemental, couch potato who been horrible to me. So, just no.

BunchIsBloom · 12/02/2021 05:50

Omg no don't do it!
What a sure fire and quick way to destroy your marriage and happiness!
Tell your husband that his DUTY is to his wife and child!

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 12/02/2021 05:55

So is no one paying the mortgage then? If SIL isn’t paying then the lender will expect MIL to pay the whole lot.
Is MIL just washing her hands and letting it get repossessed? Is there any equity in it?

margottenenbaum11 · 12/02/2021 06:03

No no no. My DM doesn't have any financial issues but she's made it clear she would move in with us at the drop of a hat, and hinted at it several times. I've had to be really blunt and just laugh at the idea. DHs mum I don't really well but I'd be saying no unless it was an emergency. Whereas my ex-MIL I would have said yes to, she was lovely and no trouble to have around.

You know yourself if this has a chance of working or not, based on how you feel you have to stand your ground. Plus it doesn't actually solve the issue of SIL and the mortgage, if DH is going to 'help' anywhere that's where his efforts need to go, into helping MIL sort out that mess. And not by paying it for her!!

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2021 06:25

Is your MIL one of those women who reverts to being a child when widowed? She needs to act like an adult and deal with the house situation. I agree with PP it needs to be sold and then she needs to work out if anything can be bought with her share.

AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2021 06:35

I absolutely wouldn’t want to do this, but....

Is your DH from a culture where this is the norm? I ask only because you say that he said he believes it is his duty to do this, which makes me think that this may be a cultural norm for him?

I still wouldn’t want it happening, but it would need a bit more careful handling than threatening to ltb as some are suggesting.

JustZooming · 12/02/2021 06:54

This would put a massive strain on your marriage and you’re quite likely to divorce over it.

AnitaB888 · 12/02/2021 07:11

No, no, no !

It's all very well your DH wanting mama there but then he won't be doing all the extra work will he? (To say nothing of the lack of privacy for you)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2021 07:14

Dreadful, dreadful idea.

My paternal grandmother moved into our home, only when she was in her very late 80s, and only because her dementia had reached a point where she wasn't safe to live alone.
That caused its own problems of course - but my mum accepted it because there wasn't much of a choice and because my grandma had lost enough of her personality that she wasn't so unpleasant to my mum.

However, it was still fucking difficult.

At no point would it have been a possibility while MIL was in full possession of her faculties, as she'd been pretty unpleasant to mum throughout my parents' marriage. And taking her in out of duty would have been a nightmare for all concerned.

Your MIL needs to sell the house she's currently sharing with her DD and move into a one bed place without her - is that a financial possibility? Helping her do that is a FAR FAR better option.

Kitewoman · 12/02/2021 07:15

goodness no! That would be the end of my marriage.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 07:18

Put your foot down now. If she moves in you and the baby move out. And mean it. The best thing I think you and your husband can do for her is practical stuff like sorting out the mortgage- taking SIL off of it, getting her financial advice and stuff. Swooping in and rescuing her isn’t going to help her long term.

FamilyOfAliens · 12/02/2021 07:22

In our old age, we too may need family.

The MIL is still working. She’s hardly a frail old woman.

rwalker · 12/02/2021 07:23

No don't have her move in
but you are toatally out of order to suggest his brother just because he has no kids or partner and you don't want her.

Velvian · 12/02/2021 07:23

MIL needs to sell her house and buy a property she can afford.

knittingaddict · 12/02/2021 07:24

MrMucker you sound hopelessly naive. If this happens then a stressed homelife and possibly divorce could be part of this child's rich tapestry. Don't underestimate the difficulties that come with having another generation in the family home, particularly for women in the household because they are usually the ones disproportionately affected by this scenario.

As it happens we are very much a part of our grandchildren's lives. We see them all the time and they frequently stay with us. I think that it has benefitted all of us, but there are limits. I would hate for us all to live in the same house, particularly a small one. I could see it damaging our relationship with each other for a very long time.

I'm another one who would strongly recommend that the op doesn't allow this to happen. Everyone needs to be 100% onboard for this to be successful and also have a strong relationship with all parties.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2021 07:24

Plenty of older people manage without being babysat by family as they make their own arrangements and get on with it. This sounds like learned helplessness.

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2021 07:26

Shit idea and very likely to ruin your relationship with your dh. Just no.

snowydaysandholidays · 12/02/2021 07:30

This is the hill to die on, you need to stand your ground and not allow this to happen. SIL and MIL will need to work it out between them. They are grown adults. Leave them to it, tell your dh it is a total non starter, and before he asks, no you can't lend any more money.

He was beyond stupid to even ask you, given he clearly has a very distant relationship with her for good reason.

Unsure33 · 12/02/2021 07:30

Firstly there is a serious financial mess here to sort out pronto. There is a party here who has been defaulting on the mortgage but is part owner of the house ? And also could stop any sale .

Concentrate on that first before anything else.

Then consider mother-in-law downsizing ?

Or raising a lifetime mortgage .

Financial advice is needed ASAP. Get ownership of property sorted!

Tish008 · 12/02/2021 07:37

@rwalker

No don't have her move in but you are toatally out of order to suggest his brother just because he has no kids or partner and you don't want her.
This!
PensionsYes · 12/02/2021 07:42

Sort the finances out and go from there...

MinnieMountain · 12/02/2021 07:43

Don’t do it.

MIL lived with us during the first lockdown until single person support bubbles were allowed. She’s lovely, we’ve always seen her regularly and we get on well but we were definitely all feeling the strain by the time she went home. (Apart from our 7yo who loved it).

Standrewsschool · 12/02/2021 07:45

Your husband can help her in other ways, but don’t let her move in. Terrible idea.