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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

245 replies

IHTC · 11/02/2021 23:48

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

  • For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
  • She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
  • We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
  • We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
  • What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

OP posts:
StarsonaString · 12/02/2021 09:04

Absolutely not. He can either live with you and his child or his mother. He can't have both.

Love51 · 12/02/2021 09:05

When I say I wouldn't have the in laws, it's the parents in law. I would and have had his siblings for extended periods.

FossilisedFanny · 12/02/2021 09:14

There needs to be a meeting with Mil, Dh , sister and brother . If the house was remortgaged then doesn’t the sister have a legal obligation to pay her share ? It seems it’s the sister that is causing this problem and so you should be looking to her to sort it out.

yearinyearout · 12/02/2021 09:16

You know she is family? It’s his mother. I presume it’s just as much his house as it is hers.

So what? That doesn't give him the right to move her in! If my DH suggested his mother moving in I'd be moving straight out as well.

Nith · 12/02/2021 09:19

I suspect your MIL will have difficulty removing your SIL from the mortgage if she digs her heels in. There is the possibility of getting a court order, but obviously that's potentially very expensive.

A relative of DH's had a similar-ish situation. She owned her house with her son, it transpired that son had raised a mortgage on the house forging her signature: she didn't find out till the mortgage company started pursuing her for arrears. She didn't want to report him to the police or formally report to the mortgage company that he'd committed fraud, she suggested just selling the house to pay off the mortgage - it was too big for her anyway and son didn't live with her - but son said no.

Ultimately she did a deal with the mortgage company whereby she just handed over possession to them, they sold the property and paid her the proceeds, and she used them to buy a smaller flat. Son was furious but there was nothing he could do about it. She did let him have some of the proceeds, but after deducting the mortgage from his share there was very little left.

I know it's a bit of a nuclear option, but I wonder if the solution for you is to stop subsidising your MIL's mortgage and making a similar deal? If there isn't enough equity to pay for a smaller property she might be able to do a deal with the council or get a much smaller mortgage that she can manage.

MistleTOEboughski · 12/02/2021 09:27

It sounds like your MiL is unwell with her depression and that does make it hard for people to sort out complicated matters like the mortgage situation. I think your DH supporting her in sorting that out is the most important thing. I would suggest that if possible she downsize to a warden flat nearby and then she has support and you and DH can visit easily but she keeps her independence. DH may not like that but I think you need to remain firm insisting it won't work for you and is probably not going be the best thing for your MiL either.

Lampzade · 12/02/2021 09:28

Don’t do it Op
My dh floated this idea some years ago. FIL was working abroad a lot and dh wanted mil to move in with us.
I told dh that he could go and live with his mother if he wanted, but she wasn’t living with us.
In my case, my mil was a very difficult woman so it was a no brainer from me.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/02/2021 09:28

It could have massive implications if she needs care when older.

I had a patient who hated their sibling but had moved in with them when she’d come out of hospital, lived there a short period and then gone into residential care for emi. The patient had no assets to sell so when their savings ran out the council took steps to make the sibling sell their home to pay for care. The resident obligingly passed away at this point.

This was 12 or so months ago.

invisibleoldwoman · 12/02/2021 09:38

IHTC

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

His primary duty is to you and his children. Please do not allow it to become your problem. Notice that his siblings do not have a problem saying no.

Notcontent · 12/02/2021 09:39

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your DH to want to help his mother but there must be other options.

I think you should have a family meeting about this situation and consider all options. It sounds like the house should be sold, or rented out. Or maybe your MIL could get a lodger to help with the mortgage. But ultimately someone needs to talk to SIL to sort things out.

Hyppogriff · 12/02/2021 09:41

Don’t do it unless you can afford to get a place with a granny flat. It’s not like she’s incapacitated and needs caring for from your post

Sidewalksue · 12/02/2021 09:43

DH suggested this when MIL was widowed. I said that was fine, but me and DC would be moving out. I know for a fact she would have moved in and never done a single thing again (she also would not have even babysat).
DHs answer to feeling bad about her being on her own was to push the issue onto me.
I wouldn’t let any other adult move into the house.
No way am I going to tip toe around in my own space.

Coffeepot72 · 12/02/2021 10:09

OMG - do not let her move in!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2021 10:17

She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no

This is the one that would do it for me; you don't demand others pick up the pieces and still expect to blithely do the same thing, and if she's overbearing as well you're on a hiding to nothing

Luckily there's an easy way out if you refuse to consider this until she's made some necessary changes. If when they don't happen you're covered, and if they do happen you're covered anyway because that would improve her financial position

Or you could just agree, and then watch her squandering what is in effect your money on SIL as well ...

Dagnabit · 12/02/2021 10:19

Just tell your dh that if he moves her in, she'll have to bunk up with him and you'll sleep in the spare room.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 12/02/2021 10:20

Some people have different set ups and can have people living with them and would never really know they are there -plenty of space etc OP house sounds far too small! The child will want lots of space too and maybe more dc.

The mil sounds incredibly needy - life is not fair and no one can anticipate falls outs etc however ops dh maybe can call a family meeting with options to discuss. Help her that way but no way move in.

CharityDingle · 12/02/2021 10:21

Tell him, she moves in, you move out.

TrimmedMyBush · 12/02/2021 10:28

I get on with my MIL but there is NO WAY I would ever live with her.

As all other posters have pretty much said...DO NOT DO IT

YoniAndGuy · 12/02/2021 10:35

All those drawing parallels with OP's mum and 'it's his house too' - yes it is. Totally not relevant.

You've married and started a family on the assumption that your living situation is as it is now. That goes for you both. You've bought a house TOGETHER. You've set up your family as most folk do.

BOTH of you would absolutely have the right of veto on any major change to any of that. Neither of you have the right to say to the other - We're selling the house/I'm moving for work and will only be here for the weekends, ok?/My mother/father is moving in permanently and this will be our family set up now' - without the other person AGREEING.

It can't work any other way. Neither of you get to make unilateral decisions on that scale because it's not just about you - you're changing the entire life set up of someone else, too.

He can ask, he can ask you to discuss. But you get to say no. Doesn't work for me.

If he then disagrees to the extent that he cannot live with that - he has the right to end the marriage, move out, many things. But he doesn't have the right to move his mother into a house that's not just owned by him.

Also - it's pretty silly to even think of doing something like this unless both parties are not only on board, but enthusiastic. It's so life changing that it cannot work otherwise. You'd end up splitting. Or hating MIL. It's just not possible or reasonable or a good idea.

So - you say that. I am not prepared to go down that route because the end point of it will be that I will resent her, and you - I would like for that not to happen, so we need to find a solution which works for everyone.

BertramLacey · 12/02/2021 10:37

In our old age, we too may need family.

We don't know how old she is, but she's still working, which likely makes her 50s/ 60s, rather than 70+. It doesn't sound like she's actually, by today's standards, particularly old. Plus, she can have plenty of family help without living with the OP.

When the going gets tough it is compassion and nothing more or less than that which will help

Compassion doesn't mean being a doormat. I'm all for helping people but only if they're then prepared to make some effort themselves. Otherwise all that happens is that instead of helping them out of a situation, you end up in it with them. The MiL needs to make some effort to fix things, rather than expect family to wave a magic wand. Moving her in could be to the detriment of them all. Far better to help her sort out the situation with the mortgage and find betters ways to budget so she can manage better and be independent for another 10/20/30 years, and maintain good relationships with her family. The way the OP's husband is suggesting could just mean her alienating another of her children, or worse breaking up the OP's family.

Member984815 · 12/02/2021 10:40

I've known people do it but it's always really hard and huge compromises have to be made, I personally wouldn't do it , not even for my own parents . I would care for them in their own home when they need it . My husband suggested mil move in during lockdown last year and my immediate response was no . He didn't ask again because he respects that we just wouldn't get along and it would end up damaging relationships

notprofessionallyoffended · 12/02/2021 10:42

@IHTC

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

  • For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
  • She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
  • We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
  • We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
  • What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

What happened with the SIL? I.e. did your MIL do something to cause the relationship breakdown, or did the SIL? If she's already burnt out one child, I'd want to understand what would stop her from doing the same with another (the OP's DH).

Does she actually want to move in with someone, or is it a case of her finances are shot? Is it an option to sort out her finances as opposed to moving her in?

How old is she? If she's around retirement age and doesn't have enough money to support herself, I would expect all her children to pitch in financially rather than sending her out to get a full-time job.

I expect women of my generation to be financially independent, but these things take time to change, so I wouldn't judge an older female relative for having expected a man to support her in her old age. I'd judge the hell out of my cousins, sisters and nieces though! Your MIL presumably supported your DH when he was younger, so I think it's right he sees looking after her as his duty, especially if she's never been financially independent.

Other people have asked whether you'd move your own DM in if the situation was reversed, and I think that's a fair question.

thewealthyplatypus · 12/02/2021 10:43

My MiL and SiL moved in with us a year ago as SiL is ridiculously lazy and could no longer cover their mortgage. MiL barely works either. Do not do this, you will regret it! It is the only thing DH and I argue about. They offer zero contribution and are incredibly messy, leave house sharing in the past OP!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2021 10:44

Compassion doesn't mean being a doormat. I'm all for helping people but only if they're then prepared to make some effort themselves. Otherwise all that happens is that instead of helping them out of a situation, you end up in it with them. The MiL needs to make some effort to fix things, rather than expect family to wave a magic wand. Moving her in could be to the detriment of them all. Far better to help her sort out the situation with the mortgage and find betters ways to budget so she can manage better and be independent for another 10/20/30 years, and maintain good relationships with her family. The way the OP's husband is suggesting could just mean her alienating another of her children, or worse breaking up the OP's family

Superbly put

jessycake · 12/02/2021 10:44

To be honest its not even a fair solution for your mother in law , we all like to have some control over our homes our lives our meals etc her included .