To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

[IHTC]

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

• For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
• She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
• We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
• We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
• What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

I had a patient who hated their sibling but had moved in with them when she’d come out of hospital, lived there a short period and then gone into residential care for emi. The patient had no assets to sell so when their savings ran out the council took steps to make the sibling sell their home to pay for care. The resident obligingly passed away at this point.

So what you mean is: if (hypothetically) my brother moved in with me, and ended up needing care, my home could be sold to fund that care? Are you sure that's how it works?

@Coffeepot72 It shouldn’t happen like that no, but the council were taking the relative to court to get the house sold. The patient hadn’t paid anything into the house itself.

I couldn’t believe it either but this happened. Tbh I don’t think the manager of the home could quite believe it either.

Times are hard and care is expensive.

Nope, nope, NOPE! Just bloody NO!

I hope you are returning to work after mat leave.

That your husband would even suggest this speaks volumes of his lack of respect for you.

Not only would I would not entertain it, that my husband would even suggest it, would hugely upset me.

This is a deal breaker and would be the basis of the marriage ending.

Your need to be crystal clear with your husband.

No vague answers.
No suggestion of discussing this further.

You need to spell this out clearly.

Again it doesn't say a lot for your husband and your marriage that he would suggest this.

I don't know how a man who valued his marriage would suggest this.

He is a right CF to suggest it.

Protect yourself OP, because the fact that you are nervous of this does not imply you have a healthy equal marriage.

I hope you have family and friends to support you.

I completely agree billy1966. I'd rather live on my own than live with anyone I didn't want to. It would be the end of the relationship if my husband insisted that anyone else move in. I could probably tolerate a very temporary situation, in extenuating circumstances, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. I'd move out before letting your MIL move in OP.

@Pumpkinpied

I really like the way you handled your husband suggesting for your mother in Law to come and live with you and your husband.

Its obviously the reason why your husband dropped the subject of this issue straight away was cause he assumed as you are a woman and society does you should be expected the Lions share of caring for mother in Law.!

Why the hell should you be expected just cause you a woman be expected and be dutiful to a overbearing mother in Law who has Never once helped you at all with her grandchildren
or even helped her own parents. !

I am really Glad you reflected/mirrored the karmic/ mother in Law reap what you sow type of thing,towards her.

Good for standing your ground and not being a push over !

@Fluffycloudland77

It could have massive implications if she needs care when older.

I had a patient who hated their sibling but had moved in with them when she’d come out of hospital, lived there a short period and then gone into residential care for emi. The patient had no assets to sell so when their savings ran out the council took steps to make the sibling sell their home to pay for care. The resident obligingly passed away at this point.

This was 12 or so months ago.

I'm sorry, but you've been misinformed. There is no way that this would have happened unless the sick person's name was on the deeds. It has to be an asset of the person needing care to be considered.

My mil lived in a house owned by the children. She had never owned it as it was bought for her after a mental health breakdown. MY mil was the only person living in the property and it wasn't seized when she went into a care home because it wasn't hers.

By your argument the landlords of ill people could have their houses taken because a person lives in it. It just doesn't happen like that.

Possibly both your patient and their hated sibling would have had their names on the deeds. Also they don't take properties if someone is still living in it. They will possibly wait and take a share when the remaining sibling dies or sells, but only if the person needing care had their name on the deeds too.

@Pumpkinpied

Not a chance in hell. When DH suggested something similar I said he could go and stay with MIL so many nights a week to care for her if he felt it necessary and that his sisters could do the same. Funnily enough he dropped the subject of living with her after that. I told him under no circumstances was I playing any part in looking after her. For years she has been difficult so why would I invite that into my home? She has never helped with child care and know she never cared for her parents so I personally feel no obligation towards her.

Good woman.👏

OP,
Tell your husband he's welcome to go and live with his mother whilst you sell the house and split up.

I would be very clear with my husband that if he moved his mother in, I would be moving out.

@Fluffycloudland77

It could have massive implications if she needs care when older.

I had a patient who hated their sibling but had moved in with them when she’d come out of hospital, lived there a short period and then gone into residential care for emi. The patient had no assets to sell so when their savings ran out the council took steps to make the sibling sell their home to pay for care. The resident obligingly passed away at this point.

This was 12 or so months ago.

But that isn't possible. If the house the patient was living in did not belong to them, it is not their asset and would not be sold to pay for their care. Someone has misled you.

@Fluffycloudland77

It could have massive implications if she needs care when older.

I had a patient who hated their sibling but had moved in with them when she’d come out of hospital, lived there a short period and then gone into residential care for emi. The patient had no assets to sell so when their savings ran out the council took steps to make the sibling sell their home to pay for care. The resident obligingly passed away at this point.

This was 12 or so months ago.

Absolute rubbish, could it be more likely the council wanted proof that she didn’t own the property? Also they cannot make the other owner, if it is shared ownership, sell up, I sat with my mother and a lawyer sorting this out when my dad became ill. She was worried in the event of him needing care she’d be forced to sell the house. He never went into care he died after he was in respite and they neglected him. So it never came up but they became tenants in common to ensure the ownership was split

I think you need to talk to your OP about what he wants to achieve by moving her in I.e. is it short term for mental health support while she recovers from her depression or to empty it out so it can be sold? I think there's a lot more conversations to be had here I.e.would MIL sell up to get rid of the part of mortgage SIL is not paying, does MIL want to sell, is SIL still living there, would SIL agree to sell? If there's a spare room as SIL is not there the best short term solution would be a lodger to pay the other half of the mortgage for now and then maybe discuss a longer term solution when she is a bit less fragile I.e. sell the place and get somewhere smaller for her.
Ultimately I don't think it's unreasonable to not want her moving in as neither of you get on with her, so doesn't sound like a good idea for any of you. But your DH is not insisting on it , it was a suggestion so don't think that's grounds for leaving him as some have said. He is willing to listen to your view which does suggest he respects you and values your relationship. From some of these posts you'd think it was completely crazy to help family members who are struggling.i thought that's what family were for.
DH is trying his best but think he needs to think this through bit more. He could help MIL contact the bank about SIL defaulting and get some legal and financial advice , or help her find a lodger if that's a possibility.

MIL should consult a solicitor if SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage, maybe she should force the sale and buy something small on her own.

@unmarkedbythat

It’s true. No one could believe it at work either. They’d never liked each other since childhood but the sibling was murderous towards the resident to the point visits took place in the lounge not the bedroom so we could keep an eye on them. There was a lot of meetings about it and raised voices. I was happy for the relative when the patient passed because they hated being in a home.

It was on the border of staffs/derby so could have been either council.

Oh and yes, I would be quick to suggest that of course you understand that when this is settled he should absolutely be stepping up more, as he feels it's his duty. And you'll completely support him staying at Mil's a couple of nights a week or spending weekend time there to help her and keep her company.

Watch the subject get dropped quicker than hot shit. Because when he says his duty, what he means is - you can do the care if she comes here, then I won't feel guilty.

Does sil live with mil at the moment?

[quote Fluffycloudland77]@unmarkedbythat

It’s true. No one could believe it at work either. They’d never liked each other since childhood but the sibling was murderous towards the resident to the point visits took place in the lounge not the bedroom so we could keep an eye on them. There was a lot of meetings about it and raised voices. I was happy for the relative when the patient passed because they hated being in a home.

It was on the border of staffs/derby so could have been either council.[/quote]
So the sick patient moved into their sibling's home that the sibling owned? The ill person did not have any financial stake in the property (not on deeds) and the authorities wanted to take the house to pay for care?

That cannot be true.

What's the deal with SIL? That needs to be sorted regardless of MIL moving in or not. Sounds like your DH and his family are the type to bury their heads in the sand but that's incredibly stupid in the long run

@BertramLacey

In our old age, we too may need family.

We don't know how old she is, but she's still working, which likely makes her 50s/ 60s, rather than 70+. It doesn't sound like she's actually, by today's standards, particularly old. Plus, she can have plenty of family help without living with the OP.

When the going gets tough it is compassion and nothing more or less than that which will help

Compassion doesn't mean being a doormat. I'm all for helping people but only if they're then prepared to make some effort themselves. Otherwise all that happens is that instead of helping them out of a situation, you end up in it with them. The MiL needs to make some effort to fix things, rather than expect family to wave a magic wand. Moving her in could be to the detriment of them all. Far better to help her sort out the situation with the mortgage and find betters ways to budget so she can manage better and be independent for another 10/20/30 years, and maintain good relationships with her family. The way the OP's husband is suggesting could just mean her alienating another of her children, or worse breaking up the OP's family.

This ^

@knittingaddict. Yep. She ran out of savings, they went after the siblings house.

Unbelievable but unfortunately true 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Unless the whole thing was staged to dumbfound a group of mumsnetters.

How old is she? If she's around retirement age and doesn't have enough money to support herself, I would expect all her children to pitch in financially rather than sending her out to get a full-time job.

I expect women of my generation to be financially independent, but these things take time to change, so I wouldn't judge an older female relative for having expected a man to support her in her old age. I'd judge the hell out of my cousins, sisters and nieces though! Your MIL presumably supported your DH when he was younger, so I think it's right he sees looking after her as his duty, especially if she's never been financially independent.

I'm not far off the age when (when I started work) I would expect to be retiring. It has now been pushed back 7 years, but that's another thread. I 100% would not expect, nor allow my dc to "chip in" if I were in financial difficulty. Don't be ridiculous. I would take responsibility for myself and make decisions about selling up or taking in a lodger or increasing my hours / getting a second job or some combination of these.

If my Mum were still alive, she would be 90 this year. She no more "expected a man to support her in her old age" that I would. Very much of the generation of 'cutting your cloth to suit your purse'. I'm not sure who these "older women" are that you are talking about, but I'm pretty sure the OP's MiL doesn't it into that category.

I don't even need to read your list to say absolutely do not let her move in.
Help her find somewhere she can afford! cheapest area possible tiny studio. whatever but not in your home!

I made the mistake of agreeing to share a large 2 bedroom flat with my mother after I divorced my first exH at 24.

It's in the high top 5 of the ten of worst decisions of my life. My mother immediately reverted to acting as if I was a child - even though the flat was in my name! I ended up having a massive nervous breakdown after less than a year, and moved to the other side of the world to get away from the situation.

And that was my own mother - the devil would be going to hell in a snowplough before I'd let my partner's parent move in with me.

No no no no no no no. Stand your ground.

I would end up in prison if mil came to live here. She calls out spare room ‘her room’ and I always shudder it is not hers (it’s my office for now)