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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

245 replies

IHTC · 11/02/2021 23:48

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

  • For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
  • She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
  • We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
  • We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
  • What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

OP posts:
crosstalk · 14/02/2021 14:43

Agree with BackforGood. The OP's MiL is in her fifties or sixties, I presume. So born 1960s to 1970s. It wasn't the dark ages though if she was brought up with low expectations, left school early and went on to have 3? children early she could have easily become dependent on her husband. Born the decade after WW1 my mother was all these things but managed a career, savings and independence. The possible difference being she wanted to be independent and her DH encouraged it.

As for OP - just show your DH this thread. Ask him how moving his DM in would solve any problems and what they might create - and why he isn't discussing the issues with his siblings. You still haven't said what's up with DSis and why DM cannot just sell and downsize.

ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 14/02/2021 14:49

Do not allow this.

Singlenotsingle · 14/02/2021 15:22

Just put your foot down and say no, it's not happening. Me and Ex bought a house with an annexe for his father to live in, and it worked. But it did have its own kitchen, lounge and ensuite bedroom. Is there a possibility that you could buy a bigger house with annexe if MIL put money in?

FixItUpChappie · 14/02/2021 15:24

Don't do it. I let my husband move my in-laws to our basement for a time...ended up being 2+ years. Strained our marriage, devastated my relationship with them and drove me up the wall. I had to put my foot down in the end and tell them they had to go, which was much, much more awkward than not getting tangled in it in the first place.

The only thing I would ever consider doing in the future, if absolutely necessary, would be to buy a house with a fully self sufficient separate for an elderly parent - so it's really two houses.

redpencil77 · 14/02/2021 16:06

@IHTC

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

  • For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
  • She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
  • We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
  • We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
  • What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

Concentrate on your 5 month old, you don't need another dependent, and it will be you not your DH who will end up with the lion's share of work
Createsuser · 14/02/2021 16:33

This

To be strongly against my MIL moving in?
DalryPlace · 14/02/2021 16:39

No.

Not because she is your MIL but no for any adult. You are only enabling the adult's behaviour by offering to support them.

PeachyPeachTrees · 14/02/2021 17:37

It won't solve her problems but will create new problems. Don't have her move in. Can you help with sorting out the SIL and house instead?

TillyTopper · 14/02/2021 17:40

YANBU but you must tell your husband and make your views really clear in a calm way. You need to tell him otherwise your DH could drift into letting MIL move in - which to me sounds diasterous!

LockdownIsDrivingMeMad · 14/02/2021 20:33

Tell her no, you can't help her, if thats what you want.

But then don't ask her to help you with childcare if you return to work or want a nights out either.

Helping out your parents who created you, or your own blood relatives is a 2 way thing, thats all I am saying.

I find it odd that some would suggest you should leave your husband if he wants to help out his mother, who by the sounds of it is going through depression and financial difficulties.

What an ultimatum.

So sad to hear.

If you don't want to help her in her time of need, today, then would you ask her for her help, when you need it tomorrow?

toconclude · 14/02/2021 22:24

@Fluffycloudland77

the council took steps to make the sibling sell their home to pay for care

I don't know where you are, but in the UK it is not legal to make anyone pay for someone else's care. The house would have to be the asset of the person needing care to have to be sold. Makes we wonder if you or the sibling misunderstood.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 14/02/2021 22:28

I'd come right out and say it. If she moves in, you and DC will move out. It's a terrible idea that will probably break your marriage.

Russellbrandshair · 14/02/2021 22:28

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

NO.

You don’t have to think of any reasons other than the fact you don’t want to. It’s your family and your home and if you don’t feel comfy with it then that’s that. She can live with her single son if it’s so important. I can’t think of anything worse than having to live with my MIL and I actually like her! But I value my privacy more. Sorry but NO.

Russellbrandshair · 14/02/2021 22:33

@MrMucker

OP-"My MIL has been struggling" MN-"What a complete bitch!" "She had it coming!" "She's made her bed, now she can lie in it" "Supporting her wont solve the issue she created!" "If you help her she'll never leave you alone!" "Give her an inch she'll take a mile"

All this and more. Because somebody is struggling.
Baffled.

Lol what absolute bollocks!!!

So just because someone is struggling they MUST live with you or else you are a heartless bitch eh?

How many in laws live with you then? I presume they must all do for you to be so judgy. You can absolutely help and support someone without them having to move in with you for goodness sake!
But typically on MN as usual sits always so easy to be generous with someone else’s house/money isn’t it? 🙄

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2021 22:58

But then don't ask her to help you with childcare if you return to work or want a nights out either.

A night's babysitting equals moving in? I've heard it all now. And I wouldn't have my DM or DMIL do childcare when I work. Not unless they desperately wanted to. And even then, maybe not.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/02/2021 07:24

Well you can tell yourself that @toconclude but I’m degree educated and work in healthcare so you’d better hope I’m not a bit thick.

Like I said, none of us could believe it either. It was queired what the sibling would do if they needed care but no one seemed concerned about that.

The laws what the judge says it is on the day, surely anyone who’s been through a court case has realised that?.

crosstalk · 16/02/2021 16:44

OP Have you talked to your DH?

josbd · 20/02/2021 06:02

Doing something monumental such as this out of a sense of duty or guilt is the wrong thing to do, imo. It's a difficult one as you are damned if you do etc. Enabling the MIL to pass responsibility to you should not be an option, as she will never take the reins back. What she DOES need is strong support, and I would suggest that you and your husband need to come up with a plan of action where the suggestion of MIL living with you is NOT an option. You need your own home, in order to live your own life. I am afraid you need to put your foot down and flatly refuse this. Your chap may feel it is HIS duty, but it sure as hell isn't yours!

Losing your own relationship, or having it undermined by resentment is not going to help either your MIL or the pair of you.

Desperado40 · 20/02/2021 06:59

No. Absolutely bonkers idea. I don’t understand how this would solve her problem anyway? Someone still has to pay the mortgage on the house she bought with her daughter. It is really unfair on your husband and his brother to sort their family’s financial mess. She is an adult who needs to take responsibility for her decisions.
Support her with house sale. She can always downsize to something she should be able to afford to pay.

Desperado40 · 20/02/2021 07:16

Also, you clearly haven’t got enough space for another person living with you full time? Does it mean that if you have another baby in the future, they will have to share a room because of MIL? Btw, nothing wrong with sharing a room, mine have done but we are upsizing now so each can have their own. I just can’t get my head around how this is going to solve the property and financial issue in the first place!

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