To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

[IHTC]

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

• For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
• She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
• We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
• We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
• What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

No don’t let her move in

Why can’t she sell the property and downsize and your sil can find her own place

Terrible idea. No way would I agree. What a mess.

Funny isn't it how many men expect their wife's to solve their family problems....

The issue here is that his sister and mother have had a breakdown in their relationship.

That does not excuse the sister defaulting on her mortgage payments.

Resolving that issue is where your DH's priorities should lie.

It's not about allowing this family shitshow to be your responsibility by long term hosting his mother (someone he barely sees) whilst dealing with a new baby.

Your response needs to be no.

If he presses it then simply put he can live with his mother and you'll move out with the baby.

Do not let this become your problem.

No. Just no. I'd have found it hard to live with my own mum, and she was lovely. But her standards for cleanliness were way above mine. She was 'do surgery off the kitchen floor' and I'm 'clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy'. Plus her bedroom would have been on the 2nd floor and the stairs would have been a real danger.

So when it got to the point where she needed someone to 'be there', my (single, retired) brother moved in. He was far more patient than I would ever have been. He cared for her with love until her dementia got so bad she had to be placed in a memory-care facility.

It's a very rough situation because if you say 'no' to MiL your DH will have the right to say 'no' to your own mum, if that time ever comes.

Honestly, in your situation I'd divvy up the 1/2 mortgage payment and just pay it.

Honestly, in your situation I'd divvy up the 1/2 mortgage payment and just pay it.

Between who?

The 2 brothers in favour of the sister that's defaulting in the payments but still enjoys a share of the property because MiL has taken no action to remove her from the mortgage?

Also do a MIL that's happy doing part time work whilst expecting her sons to subside her (and by default sisters) mortgage payments?

The whole situation is ridiculous.

Quite frankly the "brothers" should just back well off and tell their mother and sister to sort their shit out re: the property.

Also an obvious question is if MIL stays with the OP what happens to the property?

Is it sold? Does SIL move back in?

How does MIL moving in address any of these issues?

You are in a marriage, not a dictatorship.

Whether she moves in or not is as much your decision as his. Compromises should not be made about things this fundamental. It's your home and if you don't want her there she shouldn't be allowed to come.

Just. Say. NO! And keep saying it!!

If he ignores you and moves her in anyway I'm afraid you have a bigger problem.

@DeRigueurMortis

Honestly, in your situation I'd divvy up the 1/2 mortgage payment and just pay it.

Between who?

The 2 brothers in favour of the sister that's defaulting in the payments but still enjoys a share of the property because MiL has taken no action to remove her from the mortgage?

Also do a MIL that's happy doing part time work whilst expecting her sons to subside her (and by default sisters) mortgage payments?

The whole situation is ridiculous.

Quite frankly the "brothers" should just back well off and tell their mother and sister to sort their shit out re: the property.

Also an obvious question is if MIL stays with the OP what happens to the property?

Is it sold? Does SIL move back in?

How does MIL moving in address any of these issues?

This

Hard no.

I adored my MIL and DH had a great relationship with her and I still wouldn't have.

I'd make it clear to your DH that moving his mother in would signal the end of the marriage as far as I was concerned.

I get on well with my MIL but sharing a house for 4/5 days every now and again is as much as we can manage. Same for my mother... visits definitely have an "end by" date on them and then it's essential to kick everyone out and have the house to yourself again. Fwiw, MIL and my mother completely agree with me!

@IHTC

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

• For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
• She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
• We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
• We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
• What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

And if it was your mother?

The mere thought of this makes my blood run cold.

It would be a cold day in hell before I ever even entertained such a thing, there is not a single positive thing that would come out of that arrangement. What exactly is your husband planning on doing with your mothers house while she lives with you? Selling it? Then where will she live once it’s sold.....with you forever? SHUDDER. It doesn’t bear thinking about.

@MessAllOver

I'd make it clear to your DH that moving his mother in would signal the end of the marriage as far as I was concerned.

I get on well with my MIL but sharing a house for 4/5 days every now and again is as much as we can manage. Same for my mother... visits definitely have an "end by" date on them and then it's essential to kick everyone out and have the house to yourself again. Fwiw, MIL and my mother completely agree with me!

Yes, this.

It’s a poor, even slightly lazy, solution to a mess not of you or your DH’s making.

By all means your DH should be proactive in offering his mum support to disentangle her financial affairs and sort out her housing situation. But not by just letting her move into your house and expecting you to deal with it. Your DH needs a better, more grown-up plan to help her. This is the easy option he thinks. I’d be very clear it would be the nuclear option for our relationship and family life.

Absolutely yanbu.

MiL has made a mess of her situation and is trying to avoid having to sort it out by moving on to a new situation (i.e. your home) and pretending the mess no longer exists. It would definitely doom your marriage and you need to make it absolutely clear that the day MiL moves in will be the day you move out and start divorce proceedings.

The property co-owned by MiL and SiL needs to be sold and the proceeds split between them fairly so that they can each make appropriate arrangements for their future living situation according to their means. Both of them will need to be grownuo about accepting that their slice of the pie may not be as big as they wanted but they have to make the best of their reality. Avoiding this reality by ruining the family life of you, you DH and DC is not an acceptable path.

There's a lot of knee jerk don't let them dictate to you in this thread.
I havent seen any dictating. OH has "floated" the idea.
But where's the compassion? What happened to "just talk it through carefully, pros and cons"?

Also, this is a grandparent. So that comes with benefits for baby. That gives inbuilt babysitting, nights out for parents, more interaction for baby.

Dunno-find the responses quite venomous. Makes me a bit sad.

Look closely at that baby, OP, and imagine it saying to you in, say, thirty years time "no. You cannot stay at my place no matter what issues you are suffering. You only cramp my style"

Dear god, no. This is a grown adult woman with the means to solve her own problems. This is a terrible idea.

This would be my worst nightmare. Does MIL not have any equity in her home she could use to downsize and move somewhere she can afford?
If she moves in and it doesn’t work out how would you then go about asking her to leave? Very awkward.

I'm a grandmother and I also agree that MIL should not move in with you, especially when she is young enough to work.

Also, this is a grandparent. So that comes with benefits for baby. That gives inbuilt babysitting, nights out for parents, more interaction for baby.

No evidence that this would happen. OP says that she hardly knows her MIL. She doesn't sound like an involved grandparent.

Not a chance. As they often say, females are the most territorial in many species and I don't want anyone messing with MY kitchen!

No chance! You married him not his mum. Knock this one on the head ASAP and tell him in no uncertain terms that it will never happen. So he best look for a different plan. Joker

I agree with MrMucker.The responses here are just so sad and without compassion.This is a grandparent we are talking about not some unknown stranger.

Though am a single mom now,if I was in this position,I will definitely help out.Having her in the house will also amout to loads of baby sitting help.

Just to add,when I was a little girl My grandma lived with us for a few years to help care for my younger sister and my self as both my parents were very busy with work..I dont recall it ending badly.
Up until Grans death she was still a very regularly guest to my parents house.
So,not all grannies are crazy invaders.

But she is practically a stranger to the OP. That doesn't suggest she's been particularly interested in the baby so far. Why the assumption that she'll move in and want to be Granny of the Year?

The ‘if it were your mother’ doesn’t apply here. The op is home with a baby. She would spend 24 hours a day with this woman, and be doing, at a guess, more than half of the cooking and cleaning. If it’s her mother, maybe she’s ok with that. It would be more comparable if the alternate situation was would your dh happily sign up to spend 24 hours a day with her mother, and cook and clean for her. I cook differently for my parents than for just us.

Just tell him, if she moves in, you’re moving out ( divorce )

@MessAllOver

But she is practically a stranger to the OP. That doesn't suggest she's been particularly interested in the baby so far. Why the assumption that she'll move in and want to be Granny of the Year?

That's not really what I said so I'm not sure why you put it that way. Part of my point was that the impact of having her in the house would also be an impact on the baby. It's another person in their rich tapestry of growing experience. People have tended in this thread to see OPs perspective, which obviously is the point of the OP, but the reality is there would be four people, four points of view. There does not have to be the assumption that this is automatically a bad thing. OP has said they don't know her, and yet in the same breath has said that they know they are really controlling. So that doesn't square up. So if nothing else, it is also an opportunity to get to know her. Although her mind seems made up and, oddly to me, the minds of many respondents here, who know her even less! She is family. In our old age, we too may need family. When the going gets tough it is compassion and nothing more or less than that which will help.